Читать книгу The Complete Parenting Collection - Steve Biddulph, Steve Biddulph - Страница 18

This sudden shift of interest to the father does not mean that Mum leaves the picture. In the past, in North America and the UK especially, mothers would often distance themselves from their boys at this age, to ‘toughen them up’. (This was also the age that the British upper classes sent their boys to boarding school.) But as Olga Silverstein has argued in her book, The Courage to Raise Good Men, this often backfired. If, in the early years, a mother suddenly withdraws her presence or her warmth and affection, then a terrible thing happens: the boy, to control his grief and pain, shuts down the part of him that connects with her – his tender and loving part. He finds it just too painful to feel loving feelings if they are no longer reciprocated by his mother. If a boy shuts down this part of him, he will have trouble as an adult expressing warmth or tenderness to his own partner or children, and will be a rather tense and brittle man. We all know men like this (bosses, fathers, even husbands) who are emotionally restricted and awkward with people. We can make sure our sons are not like this by hugging them, talking to them, listening to their feelings, whether they are five, ten or fifteen.

Mothers have to stay constant, while being willing to let Dad also play his part. Boys need to know they can count on Mum, in order to keep their tender feelings alive. Things work best if they can stay close to Mum, but add Dad, too. If a dad feels a child is too taken up with his mother’s world (which can happen), he should increase his own involvement – not criticise the mother! Sometimes a dad is too critical or expects too much, and the boy is afraid of him. A father might have to learn to be more thoughtful, gentler, or just more fun, if his son is to successfully cross the bridge into manhood with him.

The six- to fourteen-year-old boy still adores his mother, and has plenty to learn from her. But his interests are changing – he is becoming more focussed on what men have to offer. A boy knows that he is turning into a man. He has to ‘download the software’ from an available male to complete his development.

The mother’s job is to relax about this, and stay warm and supportive. The father’s job is to progressively step up his involvement. If there is no father around, then the child depends more on finding other men – at school, for instance.