Читать книгу Conversations with the Psychologist - Veronica Semenova - Страница 4

Question: “Recently, I heard that in order to attract success in your life, you need to get rid of all that’s unnecessary to clear the space for new and better things in your life. It’s easy to do that in a house by clearing the clutter and making space for new things. But how can I make a revision of life? When should it be done? And what if the results are still not satisfactory?”

Our lives are hectic. Days pass with routines, vanity, and haste. We have so many commitments and tasks to complete that we hardly ever get to think about our own lives. But the truth is: we only have one life. Today is not a dress rehearsal for tomorrow, which means that we must live well, happily, and in love and joy, today. In order for this to happen, it is useful to periodically conduct a so-called “revision of life,” asking yourself a series of questions aimed at identifying problematic aspects in this or that area of life.

Here are the areas that I recommend you analyze.

Relationships With Oneself

We can analyze how we care for ourselves and our health, our self-satisfaction, and the presence of fears and anxieties, personal goals, aspirations, and motivation. Here is a recommended set of questions that you can ask yourself to help analyze your relationship with yourself.

Am I comfortable being alone with myself? Do I know my real self, hidden under many layers of habits and psychological defenses?

Does the image of myself that I demonstrate to the world suit me? If not, why am I afraid to show my real self? Is it the fear of being judged? Or is it a fear of being rejected?

With whom is it easy or difficult for me to be sincere, and why?

How do I take care of myself (eating, sleeping, walking, exercising, medical checkups, beauty treatments, shopping, talking with friends)? Can I allocate more time to doing things that are good and useful for me, and less to things that bring no value or which don’t benefit my health and wellbeing?

To live a full life, you need to discover a true self. To live happily means to be who you really are, not what you or someone else would like to see in you. We all have fears. We often deceive ourselves and not accept who we are. But harmony and happiness come when inner tension from rejecting one’s self is replaced by an understanding of one’s own characteristics and awareness of one’s uniqueness.

Having understood your “self,” you can evaluate what aspects of your life suit you and how to change your life so that your outer self corresponds better to the inner self.

Personal Life

What do I feel about my current situation (in a relationship, in a marriage, or without a partner)?

What do I like or do not like about myself in the context of my relationship with my partner?

What aspects of our relationship cause me discomfort (financial issues, sex, disrespect, or the lack of attention)?

Do I like us as a couple?

Do we listen to each other? Are we able to hear each other’s needs?

There is a saying that “relationships are multiple mirrors.” In these mirrors, we see how some aspects of ourselves are reflected in our partner. We love and appreciate what we like, try not to notice what causes discomfort, and when we want to break up the relationship, we start “throwing stones” at the mirror, saying: “This relationship doesn’t work for me, because he/she…”

It is useful to think about what causes discomfort because this will help you to better understand yourself and your own way of life. It is necessary to focus on yourself and not on the apparent shortcomings of your partner.

Try to identify repetitive patterns in your relationships, and change the situation or your attitude towards it. When discussing the situation which upsets you with your partner, avoid accusations. Instead of “you do/do not do…,” say, “I feel that…” or “I feel hurt when…”

Relationships With Others

What kind of relationship did I have with my relatives, as a child? Could I express my feelings?

What impression do other people usually form about me? Is it consistent with my own self image?

What common themes constantly emerge in my relationships with other people?

Am I satisfied with how I communicate with others? Am I able to listen or help? Am I inclined to judge? To obey? To envy?

Our past experiences influence relationships with our children, relatives, friends, and colleagues. World outlook, attitudes, and behaviors form in our childhood. The care that a child receives early on lays the foundation of trust he develops for others. The values that are instilled into a child during childhood shape their self-esteem, which later affects relationships with others.

To analyze your current problems, it is important to remember what the emotional climate was like in the family in which you grew up; how those important to you reacted to your victories and failures; and what worried or frightened or upset you when you were a child.

Try to identify topics that constantly emerge in your relationships with people. Perhaps there are some repetitive patterns and unconscious reactions to the actions of other people that cause you discomfort.

Work and Self-Realization

Do these two concepts dovetail, for me? Am I able to achieve both in my work?

Am I satisfied with my current job?

What was most important for me in my job at the beginning of my career: recognition, demand, income, interest, creative aspects, communication, or leadership? And what is more important at the moment?

Work is a huge part of our lives. Dissatisfaction with work can easily spread to other aspects of life. Analyze what’s bothering you in the workplace and try to distinguish between the problems associated with people you have to work with every day and the work itself.

Our values and priorities change over time. For example, at the beginning of one’s career, ambition and the desire to receive the necessary compensation for work are quite normal focuses. But, over time, something else may come to be important – for example, self-realization, recognition, team support, or independence.

Financial Position/Interests – Hobbies, Leisure, Travel

These facets of life can also be analyzed, as others in the examples above, to answer questions about the degree of comfort and satisfaction a person feels over their existing state of affairs. If satisfaction leaves much to be desired, think about what specific actions can be taken to correct this.

In conclusion, it is important to remember that anything, even desirable changes, can bring stress. Take time to conduct a “revision” of each area of life, but do not rush to answer all questions. Give yourself a few days to think and listen to your thoughts and feelings.

Take one facet of life at a time. You can start with anything: the one where things are most “painful” or the place where, on the contrary, you feel most satisfaction. Analyze what you are satisfied with and what you would like to change or improve. What do you want to get rid of? What habits or people have overstayed their welcome?

Sometimes, in order to solve a problem, it’s enough to just realize that one exists. Make a realistic step by step plan of change and gradually make it happen.

Good luck!