Читать книгу Conversations with the Psychologist - Veronica Semenova - Страница 8

Question: “By nature, I am a very sensitive person. I always have the feeling that life is unfair and that it constantly throws unpleasant surprises at me, either through other people or through situations. I can’t help but feel offended all the time. This accumulated resentment gradually begins to eat at me from within. I really want to change something, but I do not know how to do that. Tell me, please, what I should do.”

Each of us, regardless of age and life experience, has been faced with situations in which we were hurt by the people around us. Some have had more situations like this in their lives and some less, but each of us has our own experience with them.

As a result of such painful situations, we experience very unpleasant feelings. We may feel offended or insulted, and these painful emotions can live within us for many, many years, badly poisoning our lives. Prolonged exposure to strong and destructive emotions can cause significant harm to health. Suppressed moods, low self-esteem, feelings of guilt or helplessness, depression, and psychosomatic illnesses can pave the way to developing malignant tumours in our bodies as a physical response to the ongoing pain.

This is why it is very important to learn how to forgive and stop holding grudges and the negative emotions connected to these situations, making room for positive emotions and sensations and for joyful events in life.

The importance of forgiveness is affirmed by representatives of various religions as well as numerous psychologists and teachers. All of them speak as one, maintaining that if an offender appears in a person’s life, this may not just be a coincidence. For some reason, we need to go through difficult and painful experiences, learn to love regardless of the circumstances, and learn to forgive and change something in ourselves.

For example – often when women are hurt by men in their lives, this is a sign that a woman does not love herself enough, or is so immersed in caring for others that she completely loses her true self. She might experience a subconscious, implicit aggression towards men.

Before forgiving…

It is worth mentioning that forgiveness is a hard work. You almost always have to relive the pain that was once experienced, or it can become impossible to let go and forgive. The result that can be achieved, being freed from that heavy weight, is worth it. You will feel freer and easier, and life will shine with new possibilities.

When we free ourselves from the pain of feeling offended, then a place is vacated in our hearts for the creative energy of love. A person then shines from within, and this becomes noticeable to others. If we are able to accept and forgive, then everything becomes much more comfortable and joyful. Before deciding to forgive (and, for this, there are numerous techniques), I recommend taking the following steps.

First, try to understand that, no matter how painful and difficult it is for us, there is much to be learned from this situation. And while we may not feel this because of strong emotions and the feeling that we have been unjustly treated, there is a deep meaning and opportunity, by passing the test, to become better and improve our lives.

Secondly, try to remember all the people that have offended you, who you feel insulted by to this day. Make a list of them and then select those with whom your strongest emotions are connected. You will then have two groups of people.

Now choose someone to forgive. It is easier to work through insignificant insults first and then move to stronger and more painful ones, but some may feel it’s easier to do this the other way around. You can forgive and say goodbye to both a living person and the ghosts from the past that prevent you from living in the present.

Potato Bag

When working with forgiveness, I often tell a story about a Chinese mentor who was consulted by a young man who wanted to learn a bit of his wisdom.

Young Man: “You are so wise. You are always in a good mood, never angry. Help me to be like that! Teach me!”

The mentor agreed and asked the student to bring some potatoes and a bag.

“If you get angry with someone and feel offended,” the teacher said, “then take one potato. On one side, write your name. On the other, write the name of the person who offended you. Then put this potato in a your bag.”

“And that’s all?” the student asked in bewilderment.

“No,” answered the teacher. “You should always carry this bag with you. And every time someone offends you, you should add a potato to it.”

The student agreed.

Some time passed. The student’s bag became quite heavy. It was very inconvenient to always carry it with him. In addition, the potatoes that he put in first were beginning to rot. They were covered in slippery slime, had sprouted, and began smelling foul.

The student came to the teacher and said, “It’s impossible to carry this bag around anymore. Firstly, the bag is too heavy, and secondly, the potatoes are now rotten and they smell…”

Do you think you need to carry a bag of rotten potatoes inside of you?

Farewell To The Role Of The Victim

Feeling offended destroys you from within, endlessly bringing back the trauma of the situation and causing you to experience being a victim again and again.

Often, holding a grudge is used to justify both the situation in the present and inaction. For example: because I was cheated by my ex back then, I will not even attempt to try and build a relationship with anyone else. Or, I was deceived by my business partner once, so I will not do any more business.

Thus, forgiveness becomes a conscious decision to reject the willingness to suffer any further. It lets you say goodbye/farewell to the role of the victim.

Most of the time, we get hurt when what is happening does not coincide with our expectations and what we consider to be “right.”

The “right parents” are loving parents; the “right friends” are those who will never betray us; the “right partner” is the one who will always be by my side.

And, if not? If the situation did not live up to my expectations, maybe I’m wrong. I am a wrong child, friend, or partner? Maybe the reason is within me, and it is all my fault?

This is how pain and guilt become a part of one’s personality.

Forgiveness allows us to complete the cycle of pain and say goodbye to feeling like a victim. It means forever freeing ourselves from hurting.

Forgiveness is a movement towards a new and better life while holding on to all of our life experiences and lessons gained from that painful situation.

When you analyze the pain caused by someone, stop asking “Why?” Instead, ask yourself: “For what? Why was I given this situation in meeting with this person, and what can I learn from these events?”

The past is our heritage and our experience, and is very valuable, whatever it is. We need to extract all the important lessons from our past, be grateful for them, and accept that this experience was needed for our development.

Hold on to the experience, but let go of your grudge against the person who caused you pain. That person was just a pawn in the development of your soul, necessary to move you to a new level. And if you think that those who offended you and caused you pain do not deserve forgiveness, remember that you forgive them not because they deserve it, but because you deserve it.

Good luck!