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Typically, you associate anger with aggressive behavior or some other type of destructive outcome in your life. This is true only because no one has shown you how to use anger constructively. In this section, we illustrate the positive side of anger – the side that can be harnessed to resolve problems of everyday life, understand other people’s point of view, and minimize future conflict.

Emotions aren’t inherently good or bad. People have suffered heart attacks because of a joyful event, like being promoted, and they’ve suffered strokes when surprised by the unexpected news of a loved one’s death. Does this mean that you should avoid joy and surprise at all costs? Of course not. And you shouldn’t try to avoid anger because of some mistaken belief that it can only cause hurt and harm. It’s what you do with anger – how you express it – that makes it good or bad.

Distinguishing among anger concepts

When people talk about anger, you’ll hear various terms and words tossed around. Here, we clarify the meaning of some of those terms:

✔ Anger is an emotion that includes high physical arousal, thoughts about threats, unfairness, injustice, intolerance, and unacceptable frustration. The emotion of anger may or may not be acted upon.

✔ Irritability is an overly sensitive emotional and physical state. When irritable, you easily get upset yet may not be fully aware of your emotions, thoughts, or feelings. Sometimes other people detect your irritability better than you can.

✔ Aggression is the intentional infliction of hurt or harm to people or objects. Not everyone who is aggressive feels anger. Some people engage in aggression because they actually like or feel pleasure from inflicting hurt. As you may suspect, these folks aren’t ideal candidates for anger management.

✔ Hostility refers to long-standing, chronic, negative attitudes and beliefs about others or certain types of situations. For example, a gang member may feel hostility toward everyone in another gang. Generally, hostility is somewhat more diffused and less focused than anger.

✔ Rage refers to out-of-control, especially intense levels of anger. Rage is almost always accompanied by an extremely high level of physiological arousal.

Making anger your ally

If you choose to use anger constructively, you’ll join the ranks of some pretty notable folks – George Washington, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, Jesus Christ, Gandhi, and Mother Teresa. These people admittedly felt anger – about poverty, racial injustice, or occupation of their countries by foreign powers – but channeled their anger into constructive action that changed the world for the better.

In the following sections, we cover a few reasons you should consider making anger your ally in constructing a new healthier, happier, and more productive life.

Anger can be a built-in resource

People are born with a capacity for anger. Mothers recognize anger in newborns as early as 3 months of age. Babies express anger with loud crying and red faces to tell their caregivers they’re in distress – “Change my diaper!” or “Feed me!”

Anger isn’t something that has to be learned or earned, like money or friendship. It’s yours to experience as the need arises. Think of it as your birthright.

Ask yourself: Do I want to use this inner resource to reconstruct or ruin my life?

Anger can be invigorating

The e in emotion stands for “energy.” Anger produces an instantaneous surge of adrenaline, which causes your pupils to dilate, your heart to race, your blood pressure to elevate, and your breathing to accelerate. If you’re really angry, even the hairs on the back of your neck stand up! Your liver responds by releasing sugar, and blood shifts from your internal organs to your skeletal muscles, causing a generalized state of tension. You’re energized and ready for action. Remember, though, that emotions are short-lived – they come and go. So it’s imperative that you strike while the iron is (literally) hot, and use the angry energy to your benefit before it evaporates.

I know I’m alive when …

Some years ago, W. Doyle Gentry, PhD (author of the first edition of Anger Management For Dummies), conducted a workshop on anger management for mental health professionals. He started off by asking the audience to define anger. Some folks offered the usual, easy definitions: “It’s an emotion,” “It’s a feeling,” “It’s something that feels bad.”

But then one young woman came up with the most intriguing definition of all: “Anger is one way I know I’m alive.” She went on to say how refreshing emotions are because they disrupt the otherwise humdrum nature of daily life and for brief periods leave her feeling energized, full of vitality, alive.

The surge of energy from anger is beneficial only when anger is controlled and appropriately expressed. See Parts II, III, and IV in this book for numerous examples of ways to express anger productively.

Anger serves as a catalyst for new behavior

The motion part of emotion has to do with motivating behavior. If you’re like us, you want to change some things in your life. But you’re afraid, right? You’re uncertain about what will happen if you let go of the status quo and move your life in some new direction – maybe a new relationship or giving up an old one, leaving a toxic job, moving to a new city, or starting a new, healthier lifestyle (such as joining a gym, starting a diet, or giving up alcohol). So you do nothing – that is, until you get mad enough about the way things are that you spring into action.

Ask yourself: How can I renew my life through constructive anger?

No you’re not … or are you?

Sometimes you just need a kick in the pants. Charlie was having lunch with a friend and was telling her about the new, exciting venture he was planning to begin shortly to turn around his failing business. “I’m going to start the new business in about two months, and I’m counting on you to send me some clients,” he said. Her reply, without a moment’s hesitation, “No, you’re not.”

Charlie felt stunned and irritated. “Why do you say that?” he asked. “Because you’ve been talking about this new business for over a year now, and every time we have lunch it’s always going to start sometime in the next few months – but it never does. I think it’s a wonderful idea and, sure, I’d send you clients, but honestly, Charlie, you’re never going to do it. It’s just talk.”

Now Charlie was mad. He paid the check, mumbled some pleasantry, and went back to work. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized his friend was right. A year of talk hadn’t translated into action. Charlie decided right then and there – while he was still angry – that he would begin his new business within the next 30 days, and he did. The rest, as they say, is history. His new venture got off to a rousing start, and over the next ten years, he made almost a million dollars working part time – all thanks to his good friend who made him angry that day.

Note that Charlie’s friend used gentle confrontation and perhaps felt a little irritation with Charlie’s continued procrastination. Charlie felt significant anger, but he used it to help him focus and increase his motivation to do something positive.

Anger communicates

Anger tells the world just how miserable you are – how unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied, unexcited, and unloved you feel. Anger speaks the unspeakable! Think about the last time you verbally expressed anger. Do you remember what you said? Was it something like, “Get off my back,” “You don’t care about me,” “I’m tired of living hand to mouth,” or “I give, give, give, and I get nothing in return”? We’re sure others heard what you said, but did you? Did you listen to your anger – listen to what it’s telling you about what’s wrong with your life and what you need to do to begin correcting it?

The most helpful emotional dialogue you have is the one you have with yourself.

Ask yourself: What is my anger telling me about me?

Anger can protect you from harm

Anger is a vital part of that built-in “fight-or-flight” response that helps you adapt to and survive life’s challenges. Anger is the fight component – the part that moves you to take offensive measures to defend yourself against actual or perceived threats.

Do you ever get angry enough to stand up for your rights or for the rights of someone else? Do you ever use anger to set limits on other people’s rude or inconsiderate behavior? Do you ever get angry and say to someone, “Hey, that’s uncalled for,” “Just stop right there – I’m not going to sit here and subject myself any longer to this abuse,” “You’re insulting my friend; stop it,” or “You may bully other people in this office, but you’re not going to bully me.” We hope so, because, otherwise, you may be well on your way to becoming a victim.

Ask yourself: How can I use my anger to defend myself in a positive way?

The secretary’s got it right

Joe loved to bully his employees. He had a daily ritual of calling someone into his office without warning, usually right as most people were leaving for the day – possibly, he did so because there’d be fewer witnesses at that time. Joe would tell his “victim” to have a seat and then immediately proceed to get red in the face with rage, come charging across the office, with his imposing figure standing over his helpless prey, at which point he’d harangue about all sorts of things he was displeased with for what seemed like an eternity. His employees dreaded the day when their name would be called.

Then one day, while several employees were preparing to leave, one of the secretaries was summoned to Joe’s office. Everyone felt badly for her, anticipating what was to come. But, before even five minutes had passed, she returned, looking unperturbed. “What happened?” they asked, “Why are you back so soon?”

“Well, it was just like everybody said it would be. As soon as I sat down, he came charging across the room and started yelling at me. So I stood up and started walking out the door, at which point he said, ‘Where do you think you’re going?’ I simply told him that no one had ever spoken to me like that in my entire life and I didn’t know how to respond, so I thought it best to leave until he calmed down. And here I am.”

Two days later, another person in that same office was called in and found himself being confronted by Joe. As soon as he started hollering, “I got mad but then immediately thought about the secretary,” the man said. “So I got up and started to walk out. He asked me where I thought I was going, and I gave him the same answer the secretary had. He stopped his ranting and calmly asked me to sit back down because he needed to talk with me about something important. I said, ‘Okay, as long as you don’t start hollering again.’” The two had a civil discussion after that.

Anger can serve as an antidote to impotence

Impotence – lacking in power and ability – feels lousy. And we’re not just talking about sexual impotence. We mean being impotent in how you deal with the world around you – your relationships, your job, your finances, your health, your weight, the loss of loved ones, and so on. You feel weak and inadequate, not up to the task at hand.

Then you get angry – and suddenly you’re infused with a sense of empowerment, a feeling of strength, confidence, and competence. You’re standing straight up to the frustrations and conflicts you’ve been avoiding. Anger, used properly, is a can-do emotion: “I can fix this problem,” “I can make a difference here,” and “I can be successful if I try.”

Pay attention to your posture the next time you feel down, dejected, and impotent about some important thing in your life. Then notice how your posture changes when you get fired up and begin to take charge of the situation. We promise you’ll be amazed at the difference.

Understanding the nature of constructive anger

Constructive anger differs from destructive anger in a number of important ways, including the following:

✔ The anger has the purpose of fixing a problem or wrongdoing. For example, getting mad when a ballgame gets rained out isn’t particularly helpful, but feeling irritated then feeling motivated to come up with an alternative activity works.

✔ The anger is directed at the person responsible for the wrongdoing. If a salesperson treats you rudely when you ask for help but you ignore her rudeness and take your feelings out on the checkout person, your anger isn’t helpful.

✔ The anger response is reasonably proportional to the wrongdoing. For example, if your adolescent daughter rolls her eyes at you and makes a sarcastic remark, it’s appropriate to take away a couple of hours of her screen time. However, your response would be wildly disproportionate if you slapped her.

✔ The anger intends to stop problems and doesn’t seek revenge. This is a tough one for many people. For example, Patty’s husband revealed that he’d cheated on her off and on for almost ten years. If her anger leads her to leave the marriage and get counseling, she’s using it productively. On the other hand, if she devoted her life to harassing him and trying to turn her kids against him, she’d be seeking destructive revenge that would hurt her and her children as much as her husband. Not a good idea.