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Here are a few things to ponder if you are to be an unbeatable checkout girl:

 About 750,000 people work for super markets in the UK (you’ll be joining a nice big family!).

 15–20 items must be scanned every minute.This can increase to 45 at some discount chains. So the checkout girl has to handle customers’ shopping without proper consideration, leading to damaged goods if customers can’t keep up with the pace, which, of course, is nearly always the case. Well, they’re not paid according to their performance – but neither is the checkout girl actually …

 700 to 800 items scanned per hour.

 21,000 to 24,000 items scanned per week.

 800 kg of goods are lifted per hour (more than this on good days).

 96 to 120 tonnes lifted per week (the equivalent of four HGVs!).

 Per year? Get out your calculator (not provided by your store).

Do I look like a bodybuilder? Well, hardly. Quite often I feel about seventy.

Every week you can consult the checkout-operator league table to find out who has taken the most money and whether you have been a tortoise or a hare. Don’t panic. There’s no reward (not even a bottle of ketchup) for the winner. But your parents and children will be really proud of you.

Every day you will say on average:

 250 hellos

 250 goodbyes

 500 thank yous

 200 ‘Do you have a loyalty card?’

 70 ‘Please enter your PIN’

 70 ‘Please take your card’

 30 ‘The toilets are over there’

and many other similarly poetic lines.

You’re not a robot, are you? Of course not! A robot doesn’t smile.

 Your average monthly pay: £800 net.

 Hours worked a week:30 (or 26, 24, 20 but rarely the full 35).

But let’s get one thing straight. Don’t think you’ll be able to top up your hours with part-time work. Your manager will ensure that your rota will change every week. Of course you could always work as a cleaner from 5 a.m. until 8 a.m.or take in ironing. You didn’t want any time for family, did you? Well done, you’ve chosen the ideal job.

Here’s an example of a 30-hour week:

 Monday:9 a.m. to 2.30 p.m. (working time: 5½ hours; break time:16 minutes)

 Tuesday: rest day

 Wednesday:3 p.m. to 8.45 p.m. (working time:5 hours 45 minutes; break time:17 minutes)

 Thursday:1.45 p.m. to 5.15 p.m. (working time:3½ hours; break time:10 minutes)

 Friday: 3.15 p.m. to 9 p.m. (working time:5 hours 45 minutes; break time:17 minutes)

 Saturday:9 a.m. to 1 p.m./3.30 p.m. to 9.15 p.m. (working time:9 hours 45 minutes; break time:12 minutes and 17 minutes)

And the following week? Don’t worry, your hours will be completely different.

You’ll be told your new schedule two weeks in advance, three weeks in advance if the person who creates the rota is particularly zealous, or twenty-four hours in advance if a lot of cashiers are away.

Six hours fifteen minutes is the maximum number of hours you can work on the till without a break (in theory, although some employment contracts contravene this).

You’re entitled to three break minutes per hour worked, so if you want eighteen minutes to eat, you need to have worked at least six hours. You can forget about nice hot meals.

So there you have it. That’s your dream job … is it all you hoped for? You have the supermarkets to thank for that.