Читать книгу Checkout - Anna Sam - Страница 13

Another job which is almost as desirable as yours is the supermarket compere’s. This strange specimen is wheeled out on very special occasions: Mother’s Day, Grandparents’ Day, Gardening Day, Green Plants Day, the First Day of Spring, the First Day of Summer, the First Day of Winter, Red Wine Day, White Wine Day, Beer Day, Pork Pie Day, Scotch Egg Day, Salmon Day, Chocolate Cake Day, etc. You’ll soon learn that any occasion is a good excuse for a party. And on those days how you will regret not being a customer. All those special offers and presents galore you will miss out on …

And you will very soon realise that not just anyone can be a supermarket compere.

You need a nice voice (well, a voice) and a lot of endurance. Supermarket comperes have to be able to talk into their microphone almost all day without stopping (which will rapidly make you detest them).

They also have to be convincing.

COMPERE (into the microphone)

Ladies and gentlemen, today we have a wonderful, magnificent, sublime, gigantic special offer: buy two sausages and get the third free! Wonderful value if you’re planning a superb, magnificent family barbecue!

And they must be good at the schmaltz.

COMPERE

… Ah, a family barbecue … What could be nicer than a family barbecue? What could be more touching? So don’t forget, tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Do something nice for Mum! For only £2.54!

They must enjoy travel.

COMPERE

I am currently in the bread-products aisle. Come and join me as we taste French pastries, lovingly made by artisans: croissants, pains au chocolat, pains aux raisins, just some of their specialities!

They have to have the charm of Chris Tarrant (generally they think they are Chris Tarrant).

COMPERE (to a customer)

So, madam, what is the capital of France? Paris, Berlin or Madrid? The right answer will win you this wonderful, amazing, magnificent barometer …

COMPERE

Um, I don’t know.

COMPERE

Do you want to phone a friend? (The compere laughs heartily as he says this – comperes also need a sense of humour.)

CUSTOMER

OK.

COMPERE

OK, I’m your friend. Here’s a clue: it starts with ‘P’.

CUSTOMER

Peterborough!

COMPERE (surprised)

Uh … no. The answer was Paris. But never mind, madam. Since it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow, you win this wonderful, amazing, magnificent bouquet of flowers!

And finally they need to be resourceful.

COMPERE (into the microphone)

Little Johnny has lost his mum and dad. Could they come quickly to the pet-food aisle. Their little boy really needs to go to the loo!

So you see, it’s true. Not everyone has the skills to be a supermarket compere. You will come to admire them for their ability to make so much of so little. It’s a highwire act!

Hats (and microphones) off to them.