Читать книгу Checkout - Anna Sam - Страница 12

Ah, mobile phones. What a marvellous invention. It’s just incredible all the things they can do: play music, show TV, send emails, follow the stock market … Incidentally they also enable us to make calls when and where we want. But that’s not all mobile phones can do. Some can even make a man (or a woman) invisible – and it’s not only the most expensive models that can do it. The fact that checkout girls are pretty invisible anyway, helps with this trick.

CUSTOMER (on the phone, talking loudly as if he were on his own at home)

But I’m already at the till! Couldn’t you have told me earlier that you wanted bananas?

CHECKOUT GIRL (very loudly to remind him that he is at the till and not at home)

Hello!

CUSTOMER (apparently he still thinks he’s at home)

Go out tonight? Are you feeling better then?

CHECKOUT GIRL (who has worked fast so that he soon will be at home)

£13.50 please.

CUSTOMER (collecting his shopping with one hand and not moving fast at all)

I’m sure it’s a stomach bug. I hope you haven’t given it to me. I don’t want to spend all night on the loo.

CHECKOUT GIRL (getting up from her chair, clearing her throat, and speaking very loudly indeed)

£13.50 please!

CUSTOMER (with a quick glance at the checkout girl but continuing calmly to collect his shopping)

… you’re the one who never listens to me. You should wash your hands every time you go out.

CHECKOUT GIRL (clenching her fists and speakingreally, really loudly)

Do you have a loyalty card?

CUSTOMER (inserting his bank card into the machinewithout glancing up)

… I get it, I’m not deaf. You’re so grumpy whenyou’re ill.

The customer grabs the receipt from the checkoutgirl’s hand as if she were a ticket machine.

CUSTOMER (moving away with his shopping, still onthe phone and still talking loudly)

… It’s a good thing everyone’s not like you.

CHECKOUT GIRL (really loudly but only in her head)

And it’s a good thing everyone’s not like you. What an idiot!

And she decides not to bother with a goodbye. Every small victory counts.

Don’t feel sorry for yourself. You’ve just had an unforgettable experience – for a few minutes you have been completely invisible. And look on the bright side; you might get to experience the same thing again but with a subtle difference.

CUSTOMER (on the phone)

Blah blah blah …

CHECKOUT GIRL

Hello!

CUSTOMER (looking at the checkout girl)

Hello. (And eyes immediately focusing elsewhere) So,as I was saying … blah blah blah …

I’m not exaggerating.

But there really is a reason to look on the bright side. It’s not impossible that you will come across this rare specimen:

CUSTOMER (on the phone)

I’ll call you back, I’m at the till.

The customer hangs up and puts his phone away.

CHECKOUT GIRL (with a really big, sincere smile)

Hello!

CUSTOMER (returning her smile)

Hello!

Isn’t life great? Well yes, but don’t get carried away. That kind of customer is very, very, very rare. People who have met them still talk about it …

Now, if you are particularly sensitive about appearing invisible and this is your second year behind the till (surely you’re used to it by now?!) you might want to do this instead:

CUSTOMER (on the phone)

Blah blah blah …

CHECKOUT GIRL (scanning products quickly while … talking on her hands-free kit)

Blah blah blah …

CUSTOMER (looking at the checkout girl)

Don’t you have any bags?

CHECKOUT GIRL (without glancing at the customer)

No. (And immediately) As I was saying, blah blahblah …

In your dreams – no, not even in your dreams. A checkout girl must always act like a checkout girl. And a checkout girl does not use the phone at work! At least not until computers have replaced her entirely. Some customers appear to think they already have.