Читать книгу Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things - Billings Josh - Страница 16

Gentlemen and Mister Chairman: —

I rise with grate diffidence fur the fust time in mi life, tew address an impromptew assemblage. What i can say iz instant, and i kant alter it; i kant sit doun, or stand up, and studdy a thing out, enny more than i kan sit doun and think how tew lift a ton. We have met here just fur fun; and i beleaf that aul things, including truth, hav a fun redikilous side tew them, and i fully beleaf, that while Satan, with consumate skill, fills hiz ranks bi the arts ov seduction, virtue should resort tew the same means. I beleaf in sugar-coated pills, and i beleaf that virtue and wisdom kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good natured proverb, better and deeper than to be morticed into it with a wormwood mallet and chisel. We hav met tew celebrate the birth-day ov a Sunday newspaper; the child iz a year old and iz growing nicely. Sum people doubt the propriety ov Sunday newspapers; they seem tew think that the Sabbath waz made only fur the acts ov sectarian worship, but i beleaf that religion was never designed az a bizness, but only tew regulate and correct bizzness with, – I should az soon think ov tunelling Hoosick Mounting bi prayer, – when a people devote aul their time tew religion, superstition and bigotry are sure tew prevale.

Man iz the only thing created with power tew laff; birds and flowers can almost dew it, and dogs would like tew. Mules smile with their heels.

Fun waz made fur the million, ethicks fur the few, and the man who kan invent a generous and healthy sauce tew enliven a dish ov biled greens with, iz a Christian. Fun may never have furnished a splendid dinner, but it has helped swaller menny a poor one.

"Six days shalt thou laber, and on the seventh rest," – thare iz no laber in fun, and a Sunday newspaper does aul its work on Saturday.

I had rather tend one wedding than a dozen funerals; and a birth, even if it aint ennything more than the hatching ov a duck's eg, iz alwus another suckcess.

Life iz short, and that iz one grate reason whi it ought alwus tew be cheerful, and i fully beleaf, that when Gabrel blows hiz horn, the first ones that will rise, will ware a smile on their faces.

Judas betrayed with a laff, and a kiss, but the fun ov the thing waz, he went oph and hung hisself.

He that kant laff iz tew be pityed, and him that wont laff iz tew be feared.

I am clean thru. This iz my maiden speech, and i will bet 10 dollars that i won't never run the risk ov doing it agin. Adew.