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Virgo

August 24 to September 23

Impose your values on an ambivalent person. Taurus individual will not see things your way; go to lengths to convince this person. You are a dominant personality. Influence small children to become bilingual. Do not take no for an answer. You are immortal.

Libra

September 24 to October 23

Evaluate your options. All is not lost. Do not throw stones at glass houses; get off the fence; take a few risks. Take life easy; speed things up. Knock off early; stay late. Eat out; eat in. Use butter; use margarine. Sit down; stand up. Go to sleep; wake up. Make friends; get lost.

Scorpio

October 24 to November 22

You will have an accident. Learn to talk without using your hands. Don’t be tempted to strike out on your own. Success is transitory. You can’t take it with you. Do not ask for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee. Farewell to arms.

Sagittarius

November 23 to December 21

Venus is in your seventh house. Jupiter is in your lunar house. Obama is in the White House. You are in the dog house. There is smoke in your chimney, snow on your eaves, water in your basement, and all your chickens have gone to roost. Return to the womb.

Capricorn

December 22 to January 19

You have erotic fantasies about sharks. You will have more than a casual relationship with a war-surplus vaporizer. Suppress your desire to imitate mummies. For a good time, call 1-900-555-8000.

Aquarius

January 20 to February 18

Someone in a car will ask you for directions. Check the soles of your shoes before traveling extensively indoors. A man with two teeth will vituperate your person in Esperanto. Someone will ask you to examine her mica collection; be diplomatic.

Pisces

February 19 to March 20

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Aries

March 21 to April 20

Beware oversized snowshoes. Do not take syphilitic Berbers into your confidence. Expect serious repercussions from a decision to invest in a sort of organic transistor. Synchronize your watch. Mars is in your lunar house: some will give you a doughnut machine.

Taurus

April 21 to May 21

Don’t take any guff from a loudmouthed Virgo: get physical with this person, if necessary. You are correct in thinking that everyone with an apostrophe in his name is a socialist. Someone close to you will attempt to get you to eat poison. Accent on ballistics.

Gemini

May 22 to June 21

Some people tell you that you possess a charismatic personality; they want something. You are considered to be a boring chess partner. Demand your own lifestyle: eat with your fingers.

Cancer

June 22 to July 23

Be cautious of dirty money. You will notice that one of your ears is lower than the other; remedy this. Chew your food thirty-two times. Accentuate the positive. Your mother reads The Congressional Record for the racy parts.

Leo

July 24 to August 23

There is nothing in any of your houses. It should not surprise you that buses and taxis will not pick you up; a lint brush would refuse to pick you up. This portion of the zodiac has been discontinued. May your cusp wither and drop off. Raspberries.