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Shoppers! Looking for the perfect holiday gift for that person on your list who has everything? This holiday season, give the gift everyone’s talking about!

According to exit polling in the last presidential election, moral values scored high on a majority of voters’ list of important issues. “Yes,” millions of voters said, “Moral values are very important to me.” But we know what they’re thinking: “Yes, yes, important, but where do I get some?”

Search no more! Now, there’s ValuesRUs.com, your on-line moral values store—where we take the guesswork out of your holiday moral values shopping! And you don’t need a Ph.D. in philosophy to get high-quality moral values and start using them right away. Heck, you don’t need any education at all. We do all the work, so you don’t have to!

At ValuesRUs.com we can help you figure out such brainteasers as:

• Is it OK to tell everyone that I am very morally conscious, but then raise my children without limits to their wants and chuckle when they are rude and obtuse to others?

• Is it morally wrong to teach my children a variety of curses while I tailgate people down the highway trying to be first at the next red light? What do I do at the intersection after I’ve flipped off the guy I nearly sideswiped?

• Does my investment portfolio really need to leverage sweatshop labor in Micronesia?

• How much gas should my SUV burn going down the driveway to get my mail?

• Am I morally obliged to turn off my cell phone at the symphony?

• What is the most ethical choice in hollow-point ammunition for my handgun?

Now, at ValuesRUs.com, we’ll help solve those kooky dilemmas of modern life with our selection of fine products, each FDA-approved, tested by experts and guaranteed to be safe for children and nontoxic to the morally impaired.

Check our specials for this holiday season:

Moral Values Samplers—Three of our most popular moral values packaged in an attractive conundrum: integrity, fidelity, and veracity. Samplers are stitched onto genuine rare okapi hide using 100% infant llama wool. Framed and ready for hanging in your family room or den. (Free delivery to all red and blue states in the continental U.S., Puerto Rico, U.S. possessions, and territories in the Middle East. Made in Mexico.)

Moral Values Deluxe— This complete selection features moral values every which way but loose! Ten kilos of shredded moral values in an attractive, serviceable container made of high tensile, transparent categorical imperatives. Shake it up and look!—the moral values flutter down onto the little hand-painted reproduction of Washington D.C.—just like your favorite snow-globe. Delight your friends and confound your enemies with this terrific display of moral values just perfect for your mantelpiece, desk at work, or dashboard this holiday season. (Not available in all Zip Codes. Truck-shipped or air dropped. Some settling may occur during shipping.)

Shop ValuesRUs.com. You simply won’t find higher quality moral values anywhere!

Plus! This holiday season, we’re offering special holiday volume discounts. Order two or more of any of our moral values packages, and we’ll throw in a case of handsome leatherette-covered bibles absolutely free!

So don’t delay! Visit ValuesRUs.com today and stock up on your moral values while supplies last.

In fact, we may have run out already.