Читать книгу White Asparagus - D. R. Belz - Страница 17

Some things in life cost way more than you’d expect.

I’m not talking here about the nine dollar and fifty cent hospital aspirin or the cost of any part even remotely associated with your automobile’s exhaust system.

The cost of those things is, of course, absurdly and artificially inflated because of what economists call prevailing market conditions. This is the fundamental right of hospital administrators and car dealerships to charge you ridiculous prices for inexpensive things because you are a consumer and, well, who really knows what a car muffler costs, anyway?

And I’m not talking here about the difference between brand and so-called “generic” products. Of course, we’re all used to the idea that you pay $16.99 for a pound of Hawaiian coffee and $3.99 for a pound of something in a white can with black letters that appears to simulate “ersatz” coffee of World War II and may even be war surplus—who knows?

What I’m talking about are those things priced all out of proportion with what they are made of and the labor it took to make them.

Take for example, the simple set of snack trays. A couple of strips of wood, screws, and a coat of lacquer, right? The cost: forty or fifty bucks. Oh, sure, they probably make the things out of gopher wood from the island of Malta, or something.

Remember that big chunky set of carved wooden salad bowls and utensils you got as a wedding gift? Again, forty or fifty bucks. Could they be made of —perchance— gopher wood?

And what the heck is gopher wood anyway? It’s probably common cypress, a fragrant and fairly waterproof wood they once used to make coffins out of. It’s the wood that legend tells us was in the shafts of Cupid’s arrows. Why? Because it lasts forever. And when God told Noah to build the Ark, the specifications called for —ah-ha!—gopher wood!

So let’s not even get into those carved chess sets, saltcellars and pepper mills, humidors, shoe trees or patio tiki torches. (Gopher wood, anyone?)

I think you catch my drift: there seems to be an international conspiracy to fix the prices of certain suspicious consumer items. It is not at all surprising that these items frequently turn up as both wedding gifts and garage sale merchandise. Consider, too, that they all have one peculiar thing in common: they are things you might only own once in your life.

Think about it. How many sets of snack trays have you ever owned? How about lobster traps? Ouija boards? Bat houses? Four woods? Cranberry rakes? Mortar and pestles? Bongos? See, not that many. Are these things not made from —et voilá— gopher wood?

And just take a look at that little carved wooden box you have from someplace like “Sea Isle City, Nebraska” into which nothing will fit. They’re like bellybuttons; everybody’s got one. Cedar? Not likely. Try gopher wood!

To review, then, here are the characteristics of these objects that international pirates probably have sweatshops full of manacled carvers cranking out by the millions:

1. You will probably only ever own one of them.

2. They cost on average forty or fifty bucks.

3. They are made out of gopher wood.

Be on the lookout for these items; they are passed among us. How can you know them? Check the little white sticker on the bottom that tells where the item was made: No doubt, it divulges the location of an international cartel headquarters in New Jersey—or a prospering factory in a gopher wood forest somewhere on the island of Malta.

How can you avoid being taken in by this international conspiracy? Here are three guidelines:

1. Don’t ever marry. Failing that, ask that all wedding gifts be donations

made in your name to your favorite charity or to Save the Gopher Wood

Forests.

2. Avoid flea markets and garage sales. And whatever you do, don’t bid

more than forty or fifty bucks on an unopened “box lot” at auction.

3. Buy plastics.