Читать книгу White Asparagus - D. R. Belz - Страница 18

Advice for parents of late high schoolers: If you think the college search has been stressful, wait until you pull away from the curb of your child’s dormitory at (Insert name of your matriculant’s college or university here).

It’s not just that that they’re faster, nimbler, thirty years younger, fifty pounds lighter, with darker hair, tighter jeans, and firmer skin. They live to party.

I can hear you protest: But my kid’s different; my kid has at least the sense God gave a bunch of turnips. Unfortunately, that won’t be enough. And I shudder because, well, I’m getting kids number three and four ready for college.

And if you don’t believe me, just ask the presidents and chancellors of more than 125 of the country’s best-known colleges and universities who’ve called for discussion of a lower drinking age as part of The Amethyst Initiative (http://www.amethystinitiative.org/). Or the community college president (not an Amethyst signatory) who resigned with a $400,000 severance package for drinking beer on a boat with his shirt off.

So while you’re waiting for the “thick envelopes” to arrive, practice gulping down tranquilizers by the handful and consider some of these exploded myths of college experience for “newbie” parents.

Myth: Moving a child to college must necessarily resemble the Normandy Invasion. Wrong. Here’s a packing tip: Wait to buy the appliances. Or you’ll inevitably find your kid in one fourth of a 10’ x 10’ room with four big screen TVs, four DVD players, four sound systems, four mini-fridges, four microwaves, four mini-vacs, etc. You can relax because the roomies in your child’s “quad” will buy their own industrial-strength blender—and not just for milkshakes, either.

Myth: As “digital natives,” college kids are the masters of today’s marvelous array of electronics. This one will keep you awake at night. College kid calling home: “Hi Dad. My (insert “iPod,” “cell phone,” “laptop,” etc. here) fell into (insert “the toilet,” “a blender full of kiwi daiquiris,” “a child’s wading pool full of chocolate pudding”). My roommate tried to dry it out with a road flare, but it still doesn’t work…Can I just order another one—please?”

Myth: College kids today are more health-conscious than ever. True, but only if you consider tanning and eating beef burritos after 2:00 a.m. a form of New Age religion. You may have heard that eighteen-year-olds believe they are immortal; they frequently act accordingly.

Myth: My child will not fall victim to the dreaded “freshman fifteen” pounds of weight gain. In fact, most college freshmen eventually convince their parents that they have converted to vegetarianism when, in fact, they are regularly pounding down thousands of calories in turkey wraps, chips and salsa, and flagons of “lite” beer.

Myth: My kid would never dare carry a fake ID. OK. But here is post-9/11 America’s dirty little secret: Since one of their favorite hobbies is copious amounts of premarital drinking, college students accept fake IDs as a one of the facts of life at U.S. institutions of higher learning. A study published in Psychology of Addictive Behaviors reported that by the end of sophomore year, nearly 33% of college students surveyed reported that they owned a fake ID, a fact that ought to be giving folks at the Department of Homeland Security ulcers because the other 67% probably responded with “What do you mean by ‘fake?’”

I’m not worried though; to make up for this breach of security, the rubber-gloved people at the airport have trained Doberman pinschers to sniff my shoes. I somehow sleep easier with that knowledge.