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2. Sexual Domination & Submission

Power imbalance—which may or may not be restricted to the bedroom—is a major component of BDSM play, with one partner being the dominant (or top) and the other the submissive (or bottom). A consensual and informed imbalance of power is different from an abuse of power, and many dominants delight in the freedom and authority to control the erotic activities of their partner.

Similarly, submissives revel in the sexual abandonment that comes with forfeiting control of their body and actions. There is an intense, raw eroticism that accompanies such vulnerability. For many men and women, this type of play is the only time in their lives that they can experience the rush or release of power and indulge in their sexual desires and fantasies at will; however, players must adhere to the BDSM creed of Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) sexual activity.

Male dominants are often referred to as Master, while female dominants may be called Mistress or a dominatrix. Submissives may be called a slave or a pet. Heads-up: your wife or girlfriend will probably be more okay with “dominatrix” than “pet.” Calling your husband or boyfriend Master, however, might help get you behind the wheel of that new convertible a lot faster. While some couples enjoy such honorific or fantasy titles, many mainstream couples who dip into BDSM prefer to play with the power dynamics without such labels. The degree to which a couple incorporates BDSM concepts and conventions into their relationship is a personal one. They should be tailored to a couple’s unique preferences and sensibilities.

A couple must also decide on the “limits” of their power play and BDSM scene. What acts are prohibited? Which ones are preferred? What kinds of things are negotiable? BDSM generally defines hard limits as being strictly off-limits activities, while soft limits are activities that someone will do—or have done to them—at their discretion or when very aroused. A must limit is an activity that is strongly preferred and requested by a partner, whether a dominant or a submissive. A time limit may also be set. This might be ten minutes or an entire weekend.

Communication is also essential for safe, consensual and respectful BDSM sexplay. Because this type of sexual activity involves elements of resistance, couples must also choose a “safe word.” This should be a distinct word or phrase that the submissive can say to immediately stop play. Some submissives may also use a caution word to indicate that play is approaching a physical or moral boundary, thus instructing the dominant to proceed in a different direction.

Couples can make a game of this essential BDSM prep work by exchanging sexual fantasies about what they want the BDSM experience to be like, including what they are both hoping will happen. This is a fun approach to answering some important questions and gaining vital insight into each other’s desires, expectations and limits. When snuggled in bed, partners can challenge each other to make up an erotic story about a BDSM scene. They can also write one out on the computer, creating a juicy piece of erotica that is as informative as it is arousing (see #46). It is essential that partners understand what appeals to both of them about domination and submission, as well as what doesn’t.