Читать книгу The Restaurant Diet - Fred Bollaci - Страница 10
ОглавлениеLove Yourself!
After losing 150 pounds in a year, people thought something was wrong with me. Friends asked me if I had gastric bypass and didn’t tell anyone or if I was sick with some form of cancer! I was stunned by some of the comments and questions. Some of the same people who used to criticize me for being overweight or state the obvious, “Fred, you really need to do something about your weight,” were now questioning what I did. It’s like when an alcoholic stops drinking, his buddies at the bar no longer have any reason to hang out with him. If I hadn’t been working diligently with a therapist and support groups and been aware of the fact that I’m a whole lot more than this person others seemed to enjoy tearing down, I could have easily gone off the rails and fallen right into their trap of negativity.
While many people applaud a comeback story or someone’s success or good fortune, not everyone does. I enjoyed and got a form of “high” from the encouraging compliments from family, friends, and strangers who walked the same places I did during the time I was losing the weight, and saw a dramatic change over the months. The compliments were nice and were like being high-fived when you are running a marathon or race; a little extra encouragement really helps you push harder. Still, I had to learn not to focus on the compliments and to maintain my course for myself alone. I learned that where there were compliments, there was also criticism, gossip, and speculation. If you lose a lot of weight or make other major beneficial changes to your life, people who you may have considered friends or even some of your family will be there right on schedule to test you, question you, and maybe even put you down. Don’t let them! Building my self-esteem meant I was learning to be okay with myself and what others thought of me. Whether they applauded what I was doing or not was none of my business! As long as I was on the right path for me, I was the only one with the right to judge myself.
Ignore the Naysayers!
Life is full of negativity and naysayers. Part of why we are here on earth is to learn to deal with it. People have their own issues and reasons for pushing their opinions and crazy fears off onto anyone they come in contact with. Part of recovering and being confident in the person I was meant to be is learning to install a filter that weeds out things people say to me, to have their words go “in one ear and out the other,” or to not take their words seriously. They are just words. They are just someone’s opinion. Don’t let someone else’s fears hold you back and prevent you from living your life! Something like 80 percent of people will try to talk you out of doing something or come up with reasons why something won’t work. 20 percent will encourage you. Stick with that 20 percent. Look for people who are encouraging and inspiring—whether you are looking for support with your weight-loss goals or in any area of your life. You are only as good as the company you keep. End of story.
When it came time to get an agent and publish my first book, people told me I was crazy for practically giving up a successful legal career with a guaranteed comfortable income. Trading in a “legitimate” career for blogging, “playing around” on social media, giving what was back then an inordinate amount of “free” advice on weight loss to practically anyone who got in touch with me, freelance writing, and trying to get a book published, all while struggling to pay the bills made no sense to many people in my life. Imagine the kinds of things people said when I was asked to write a second edition. Don’t listen to anyone else when the good guidance inside of you is speaking. Pay attention to cues from within. Ideas that seem to come out of nowhere or things you dream of at night, write them down! They did not come from nowhere. They came directly from your subconscious, your soul, from universal intelligence or “The Other Side.” Honor these thoughts, and believe in them, more than you believe in the negative thoughts other members of the human race are putting into your head. Most people do not yet operate at a high level of consciousness, but everyone has the ability to do so.
Trust Your Intuition!
Start listening to and trusting yourself and your “gut” intuition. Gut intuition can be described as a feeling—either good or bad about something, someone, etc. I’m learning that if I get a bad or uneasy feeling about a particular course of action, I should listen to my gut. Same thing if I get good feelings, the kind that give me goosebumps. These sensations are extra-sensory and are picking up on things like energy that can’t be perceived with the five senses.
You Are Being Guided!
People often talk of a “sixth sense” or thank God or the universe for saving them from whatever. I was nearly hit in what would have likely been game-ending, high-speed, head-on collisions twice in the last ten years driving in Florida (don’t get me started). Both times I miraculously and by the grace of God was able to get out of the way of a car going the wrong way in my lane a second before plowing right into it at full speed. The first time, there was no shoulder, nothing but a steep embankment and a drainage canal off to my right, a line of cars moving the opposite direction to my left, and some wonderful Florida driver just sailing along in my lane, coming straight at me. I had no way out of near certain doom or at least the prospect of life-altering injuries if I managed to survive. If I had even two seconds to “think” about it, I probably would have frozen and not even had time to say, “Dear God,” but something greater than me caused an instinctive response. I calmly tilted the steering wheel a little to the right and my car went slightly off the road for a second, with the oblivious driver flying past me in my lane, averting what likely would have been a catastrophic collision. The second time, my Uber driver did exactly the same thing in a similar situation—and was rewarded with a very generous tip and hug when we reached my destination. Obviously, I am meant to be here telling this story!
Stay Present!
My best advice for tuning into yourself/your soul/universal intelligence is to take time each day and just be still and quiet. I like to sit and meditate, and often meditate while walking in nature. Turn off all distractions. Unplug from the world for a little while. Feel the rhythm of the universe. Walk barefoot on the beach. Listen to the waves. Gaze up at the stars. Get out of your mind and be present. Stop thinking about the past or worrying about the future, and stop over-analyzing things. Keep it simple! It is from this space that we will discover and know our essence, our truth, and find the answers and actions that are right for us, that no other person, no book, no course, nothing else could ever give us.
Surround Yourself with Positive People!
Surround yourself with positive people who have done or are doing courageous or seemingly off-the-wall things that make you stop and say, Wow, why didn’t I think of that? This includes those who can inspire you to dream big and do more with your life and God-given talent.
The positive energy from people who think and dream big, and then go for it, is sure to rub off.
My dad used to tell the story of a guy at his country club on Long Island back in the 1970s who was looking for investors in what he and a couple partners were saying would become a chain of “gigantic hardware stores.” My dad said most of the people were beyond skeptical. The guy was Ken Langone, one of the founders of Home Depot. Bottom line: ignore most if not all the cracks from the peanut gallery, and the next time you come up with what might seem like a crazy idea it might not be so crazy!
Believe in Yourself!
I would have been the first person to bet against Fred Bollaci losing 150 pounds, not just in a year—but ever! I would have bet against a hundred pounds, even losing and keeping fifty pounds off. I was also surrounded by people who would have bet against it too. People who knew me all my life knew I had a problem with my weight. I had been heavy so long that people only saw me as “the fat guy.” I had even forgotten what it was like to be “normal.” After my awakening and challenge from “The Other Side” to get my act together, I was more determined than ever and knew with every fiber of my being that I was not a quitter and would never give up on something I believed strongly in. We have to be our own best friends, champions, and advocates. When everyone else around us is telling us we can’t, we have to show them what we already believe that we can! Unfortunately, this is not always easy.
Never Give Up!
When the home team is losing and a comeback seems unlikely, the stands tend to empty rather quickly. Just like in sports, I never gave up. Even when it seemed like I was a one-man team, I didn’t give up on losing weight or on publishing my book. Neither did God, or the universe, or my soul. It’s like in baseball; I was down to the final strike of my final out when wham, I hit the ball out of the park and won the game! I’ve done this several times in my life. Each time I was literally standing on the edge of what seemed like the great abyss, when, low and behold, I was able to do something that before seemed impossible or a solution miraculously appeared, which led me to places and experiences I never could have imagined. It was like I literally pulled the rabbit out of the same darn hat that I swore had nothing in it. This is where our souls come in. We’ve got all the tools in our toolbox that we could ever need. We just have to trust they are there, and we will be shown exactly what we need at any given time. I now believe everything happens for a reason—the good, and the seemingly bad.
Love Yourself No Matter What!
Had my life not gotten so far “off track” in the first place, had I not gotten to be 150 pounds overweight and been so miserable, I never would have found the impetus to dive deep, find my inner strength, work tirelessly, and stop at nothing to improve my life and find my true purpose, which I am still working toward every day. It turns out my true purpose was definitely not to die prematurely from the effects of obesity.
Any quest to better ourselves and live a healthier, more fulfilling life doesn’t end when we reach a healthy weight. To realize our full potential, our path to a better life will last the rest of our lives. Getting on a healthier, happier path is part of the secret to weight loss success, but whether you need to lose weight or not, anyone can take positive action to improve every area of their lives. Working toward becoming better versions of ourselves is a noble goal, and whatever our background or issues, when we embrace this goal wholeheartedly, we begin to realize that we are miraculous and there is way more to us than exterior stuff, like our weight or our looks. And while getting to a healthy weight and staying there is an important part of being healthy, there is so much more to living a rewarding life than just being at a certain number on the scale or fitting into an old pair of skinny jeans.
Make Self-Love Your Mantra
Start by loving yourself. Okay, maybe liking yourself at first—you will start to love yourself as you get to know and transform the real “you” into a better version of yourself as you work to get healthier. Embracing self-love will make losing weight and any endeavor we embark on so much easier. This all starts with acceptance. Sometimes we need to tell ourselves just how special we are. Tell yourself “I love you!” Write notes and post them where you can see them.
I used to always put myself down. I was very nasty and intolerant of myself and spoke very poorly to myself, maybe not out loud, but I frequently told myself I was a failure, or a loser, or many other choice unflattering terms. Anytime something didn’t go my way, I would blame and yell at myself and call myself something very bad, or worse, which only reinforced my self-loathing. We all make mistakes. Instead of chewing myself out, I started to say things like, It’s okay, what can you learn from this or do differently next time? Let it go. What’s done is done. Nobody’s perfect. Turn it around! Start by honoring and respecting yourself. Start saying good things to yourself. Start believing in yourself. If you want the world to love, honor, and respect you, you’ve got to take the initiative and show the world you are worthy of being loved, honored, and respected. It begins within us.
Accept Yourself! Leave the Baggage Behind!
Accept yourself exactly as you are—possibly overweight, possibly with things like suitcases full of guilt, shame, anger, hurt, rage, resentment, you name it that you need to deal with and let go! There is no place for any of these in the new life you are striving to create! Sort through the baggage, preferably with a qualified therapist, make amends, forgive others, forgive yourself, and let the past stay there! You are building an entirely new life; you want a solid foundation to build upon.
Set Your Intention: A Positive Intention Yields Positive Results
To be successful, we have to set positive intentions. When you make self-love and self-improvement your intention for doing something, whether it be losing weight, starting a business, or cashing in all our chips and going on a three-year trip around the world, you cannot fail. You can have setbacks, we all do, but when we love ourselves and want to be better, we can do anything. We will learn from our mistakes and will make changes in order to hopefully do better, rather than beating ourselves up or giving up, which is what happens to many of us when we try to diet.
With most diets, the typical intention is to lose a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time by eating less (often eating foods we don’t much like) and exercising more (meaning we didn’t exercise enough). As far as food goes, we are setting ourselves up to feel deprived (and resentful), and as far as exercise, we are coming from a place of lack, so feeling like we are “forced” to do more also puts us subconsciously in a place of resentment. Instead, begin your transformation from a place of acceptance, abundance, self-love, and a desire to feel better and do more with your life.
Look at the Big Picture!
Life’s inevitable troubles, difficulties, and stress mean far less when we look at the bigger picture and realize that everything is happening for a reason, and that, whatever we do, if we seek to do it for the right reasons, the results will take care of themselves. During this process, I began to discover who I really am, my essence—that I am a soul occupying Fred’s body. This realization has made me want to do even better and embrace my true purpose, which is to help others and to lead by example.
Welcome to The Restaurant Diet, second edition, where my goal is to share my spiritual strength and hope and offer a lifeline to help countless people who are struggling with weight, dieting, self-esteem, codependency, and all the accompanying unpleasant feelings and emotions. Learning to live a spiritual life of service helps us rise above the worldly pervasive nonsense of the ego and negativity and fear so that we may rise above everything we thought we knew about life. This awareness helps us see everything from a “bird’s eye” perspective, and we are able to help guide ourselves and talk to ourselves, almost in the third person, like our higher consciousness is helping us move along this journey by reminding us who we really are, and stopping us from saying or doing things that are not in our best interests. This includes how to go about losing weight and getting healthier.
Living and doing things like losing weight from a higher perspective enables us to take the focus off things like a number on the scale or our outward appearance and helps us to embrace the journey as a lifelong process and a gift. Realizing we are so much more than our physical bodies, we will find it easier to want to live our lives to the fullest, as we discover new and amazing things about ourselves that no diet could ever teach us, such as our true passions, learning who we are on a much deeper level, and no longer sweating the small stuff. We often need reminding in this difficult physical world of deals, deadlines, and disappointments.
Remember, as long as you put your best foot forward and begin your journey, you are better off than you were before. Instead of typical diets that seem to be all about getting to your destination, here the journey is the destination. Working to become a better you is a lifelong process and is far more rewarding than simply losing weight. When you get to know yourself on a deeper level, you will feel good inside, and your insides will match your outsides. Just know that life is about progress, not perfection, and needs to be taken “one day at a time.” Losing the desired weight may seem like the answer to everything you ever wanted. It isn’t. Look inward, find your inner strength, and show the world who you really are! We are all so much more than our bodies or a number on the scale.
“When the Power of Love overcomes the Love of Power, the world will know peace.”
—Jimi Hendrix
The million dollar question I was asked at many of my events was, “Would you do it all again—lose the weight and write a book?”
Do It for the Right Reasons and Never Forget Where You Came From
Yes, losing 10, 20, 50, or 150 pounds, or more is a big challenge and a process, however it is certainly NOT the toughest thing I have ever done. For instance, I learned it is a lot more work and much more challenging for a virtually unknown, first-time author to write and get a first book published than it was to lose 150 pounds in a year. Not that this should discourage you if you are thinking about either writing a book or losing weight, or anything you believe in, for that matter.
As far as my book, it took me six years and several editors, three agents, and lots and lots of money to establish my platform, to produce a marketable title—now known as The Restaurant Diet—find a publisher, promote my book, and travel to book signings, which meant months of flying here, driving there, plus the stress of having events cancelled and rescheduled (three snowstorms interrupted some of my first events in the Northeast).
Despite the fact that I had written my first book from a spiritual place, my message and I had gotten bogged down in the minutiae—logistics, trademarks, lawyers, publicists, agents, press, reviews, astronomical bills, bill collectors, how many copies I sold, hotels, meals, planes, trains, and automobiles—that seemed important, but truly weren’t important in retrospect. I needed to take a step back, take a deep breath, and remember why I did it all, where I came from, and where I wanted to go. Ten years before I nearly died, I never thought I’d lose this much weight or share my story with anyone, or that anyone would want to hear what I had to say. Now, I looked and felt good and was helping people turn their lives around! I needed to show gratitude for the second chance I had been given by remembering where I came from and realizing it is my responsibility to pay it forward.
It would be easy to look back with regret, but that is pointless. Rather than regret, I asked myself: What can I learn from the experience and how can it benefit others?
Aside from sessions with my therapist complaining about the bills, the scheduling problems, and how tired I was of couch surfing and being away from home, and the few chats with my accountants, financial advisor, and publicity team—which frankly could have required a three-drink minimum—I tried to maintain a higher perspective. This was especially tough when I was trying to check into a hotel and the one last credit card I still had credit available on had a fraud alert because I had been in four states in the previous two days.
Instead of sweating what now was obviously “small stuff,” I had to look at what I had accomplished. I saved my own life, lost a ton of weight, totally changed my life, and got a book published! Did I know anyone who had done anything like this? No! I had a right to be proud of myself. I had read somewhere that out of one million books published worldwide every year in English, less than 1 percent sell more than a hundred copies, ever. So, not only did I get published, my book sold way more than a hundred copies, so yes, it was a success. Has my book made any bestseller list, and have I gotten rich? Not yet. Am I stressed over any of it? Not anymore.
I was still conflicted, starting with the fact that I was an attorney and had an MBA, but here I was, a writer, blogger, and “weight loss guru” who was going around talking to people and signing books. The only real credential I had for doing this was the fact that I had in fact lost all this weight and have been working for years to keep it off. At this point in my legal career, I would have likely been a partner in a large law firm and be sitting comfortably with a large retirement portfolio and the ability to jet off anywhere during the two weeks a year I might actually have for vacation. That’s nice, I thought, but there’s a lot more to life. Being true to yourself and rising to the challenge by going after your calling is far more valuable.
Instead of looking at what I didn’t have, I needed to look at what I had instead and be grateful for the unique opportunity I had been given. Sure, I was now also an author and entrepreneur who had not quite yet “made it,” or whatever the heck that means. Yeah, I was pissed off that I didn’t sell ten thousand books the first week—I mean, I hired a Park Avenue PR firm, spent a fortune, and poured nearly every ounce of blood, sweat, tears, and every last cent I had into getting this book published, promoting it, building my platform, and touring around signing book, so this is what I get in return? I haven’t come close to paying myself back yet.
There I was, traveling around and talking about learning to eat out in restaurants, how I made restaurant owners, chefs, and staff partners in my success, and about how my weight loss got started and how my lifestyle continues to evolve—when I began to realize I had gotten way off my spiritual, grateful track. This can happen easily in a crazy, stressful world where we need to find time to eat well, rest, exercise, make money, pay bills, and (hopefully!) find some pleasure. The most important thing I would do differently is to never forget why I started writing a book in the first place. It wasn’t to get rich or famous.
Still, somehow I managed to get caught up in our culture which tells us we need to do x, y, and z, in order to have a successful book launch or tour, and we need to sell x number of copies the first day, week, month, or year. This sounded a lot like my past self-message “I need to lose twenty pounds by Memorial Day,” which sets us up to be in competition with ourselves and with some made up or idealized standard, and we start doing it for the wrong reasons. I started my book project for the right reasons, but, along the way, some of the wrong reasons fed in. I made some mistakes during the process since I had never done anything like this before, and nobody I knew had, so I was learning on the fly, without any roadmap.
In the end, despite the fact that I would have done some things differently, it was worth it. I learned more about myself and about life during my book tour and the nearly two years since my first book was released—more than even during my weight loss or any other time in the past. I saw that I have inner strength, charisma, determination, tools, and muscles at my disposal I never knew existed! I received a priceless education and got to know myself even better. I got to see what was truly important, while I struggled to keep my healthy lifestyle and the weight off while traveling and dealing with a lot of frustration. I would see that my relationships with the people in my life are far more important than anything. Thank you to all the great people I met on this journey!
I am grateful my book got published and ended up on Amazon and in stores all over the country. Books were even sent to stores in the United Kingdom and Canada. I traveled to places old and new and met many amazing people I never would have met. I visited many familiar restaurants that are in my first book and whose owners were kind enough to host book-signing events. I loved the adventure. Still, I missed home; I missed my dogs and regretted that relationships in my life suffered because I was so determined to have a successful book launch and tour.
I forgot that I had truly “won the lottery” so to speak—I got a second chance at life, a chance to see life from a totally different perspective, to do some things over, to do some things differently, and to do things that were way beyond my comfort zone! In the middle of my book tour—something I was originally so excited about—I started to think this was a waste of time, effort, and money. Still, I had to remind myself that I was not a quitter!
Back when my agents were pitching my book idea to prospective publishers, I was tempted to give up. After receiving nineteen rejection letters critiquing every aspect of my project, one went so far to say they didn’t believe what I did was possible. My agents were scratching their heads, saying that these pitches were plans A, B, and C, and there was no plan D. I have to say that the self-esteem I had worked so hard to rebuild after the devastating effects of being overweight and codependent for years was nearing an all-time low, and I was ready to throw in the towel. I reached the point where I was ready to say screw it, yet I was not a quitter. Remember, I had tried nearly every diet out there for years and finally figured out a way to lose weight that worked when I was literally in a “do or die” situation.
Let Go and Let God!
What was going on? Maybe I wasn’t supposed to publish a book? Maybe I was just meant to go back to being Fred the lawyer, or something else. After a candid conversation with my agents and publicist, where it looked like the writing was on the wall and that those six years of writing, editing, time, and money were all for naught. I said to the universe, “There is one publisher out of the twenty that we approached that hasn’t responded yet. If my book is meant to get out there, they will publish it. Otherwise, it’s not meant to be. I’ve done everything I can to see this through.
I’m letting go of it and leaving it in God’s hands.”
I truly turned it over, took a walk, cleared my head, and truly accepted the possibility that my book wasn’t going to get published despite working for six years toward that goal. I put it to bed and went to bed, at peace with whatever the outcome would be. The next day, I received a call that my first book had found a home, and it would be out in early 2018.
Looking back, I am proud of my accomplishments: losing 150 pounds, getting my story published, and going out to share that story with the world. In doing so, I learned even more about myself and have taken this past year to rededicate myself to health and wellness—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am proud to have designed my own career and life. It did not guarantee an income, which was scary and frustrating for a while as bills began to pile up, but I learned to let go of the fear and know that a loving God has my back, so long as I am doing it for the right reasons.
I still practice law part-time, but my passion is living through adventure travel, exploring food and wine, and writing about my life and doing things I never would have done if I hadn’t lost weight and decide to take a chance on a dream. I might have more money, but not the time to enjoy the things I am able to enjoy today, I’ve been told I am a “Renaissance Man” and a late “Gen X’er” living more like a Millennial. Did I really want to go back to spending ten-hour days sitting behind a desk, dealing with angry clients fighting about whatever?
The Answer to “Would I Do It Again” Is a Resounding YES!
Absolutely. I would do it all again in a second. I have met so many wonderful people and enjoyed so many opportunities I never would have had otherwise. I am living a dream, doing what I love. I had to learn to embrace uncertainty and the possibility that the unknown had a lot more to offer me than a predictable life and career. I took a chance and haven’t looked back. I haven’t made a fortune, yet. I’d be making a lot more practicing law, but I have found riches and rewards that far surpass money.
I have counseled, inspired, and helped hundreds of people lose thousands of pounds by changing their lives for the better.
I have seen places and done things I never would have imagined, and I have had the pleasure of sharing my stories with the world. It is so enjoyable talking to audiences and counseling people one-on-one, something I never would have imagined doing back when I was overweight when the thought of sharing intimate details of my life with anyone seemed ludicrous. The reality is, when I stopped looking at the balance in my bank account and watching my stock portfolio going down while the balances on my credit cards were going up, I began to realize I really loved what I was doing. In making this powerful shift in consciousness, the tide began to turn and the abundance of the universe began to reward my efforts—money started coming in.
We Are Here to Stand Out!
The once fat, self-conscious Fred used to prefer to hide out and not open his mouth. It was bad enough that I “stood out” because I was often the biggest guy in the room, I felt like if I said something, I would only be drawing attention to myself, and, unfortunately, after years of being overweight and ridiculed, I knew that many people have a negative perception of overweight people, as if anything I said would easily be negated with something like: “don’t listen to that fat blankety blank.” Often when I did open my mouth, it would be to make a joke about my weight, as if to take a preemptive strike to “clear the air” and “get it out of the way” so that anyone I might be talking to wouldn’t be able to strike first. In speaking before audiences large and small and coaching numerous clients one-on-one, I realized that I do have something to say that people actually want to hear.
I learned how to be comfortable talking about myself and dealing with people in all situations, to field all sorts of questions with poise and aplomb. It’s like learning how to balance when you are learning to walk or ride a bike. It takes practice, but today I am comfortable in practically any situation, and even the most personal or unusual “left field” questions I might get I am able to respond in an appropriate and meaningful way, rather than be caught off guard or taken aback (the deer in the headlights thing). Learning to say that something is “personal” or preferring not to answer or comment is okay. I don’t need to have all the answers, and I don’t need to respond to people and questions that I am not comfortable answering. It is all about learning to put myself and my needs first! I used to always worry about everyone else and their opinions of me and go out of my way to do things for others, while ignoring my own needs, health, diet, etc.
Always Put Yourself First!
I like to use the example of a parent on an airplane traveling with children. Parents are told to put their oxygen masks on first before assisting their kids. It may appear selfish, but truly it makes a lot of sense. What good would the parent be to their children if they were incapacitated? Take care of yourself, do what’s right for you, and then you can help others on this plane. It turns out I am a natural speaker and entertainer who typically throws away the script and does improv, reading my audience and interacting with them. I’m finally comfortable speaking to groups of any size, and find it very gratifying.
FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real
Losing weight is about a lot more than diet and exercise. We can lose a lot of weight, get to our ideal weight, and still feel miserable. Odds are, if we are overweight, we also carry a host of behaviors and negative attitudes along with the excess weight. These attitudes hold us back and keep us overweight. Many of us have felt like failures for losing weight and gaining it back. Many of us have felt unlovable—who could possibly love me, I am fat and unattractive, I used to think. In fact, I now realize that part of my weight problem had to do with a severe lack of love for myself. I overate to mask feelings of insecurity and fear of rejection. I couldn’t be rejected if nobody would date me in the first place, I used to think.
I was living trapped in a state of fear, and most of what I feared had no basis in reality. I have learned that fear is the opposite of love, which is where we need to be if we are to accomplish great things and be our best selves. I was afraid to live life or put myself “out there” for fear I would get hurt. I ate more and more, thinking that food would somehow love me. I felt empty inside and tried to satisfy that inner emptiness by stuffing myself.
Looking for external substances, including people, places, or things (like food) to love us is like trying to fill a bottomless hole.
I ate more and more and got heavier and heavier, because I was looking at outside things to bring me pleasure, when all they ended up bringing was more pain. I was living in my own self-imposed hell, brought on by my warped way of thinking. Instead of treating myself and my body with love and respect, I abused my body and beat myself up for being overweight, then went and ate even more. It was a vicious cycle, and at the root of it was a lack of self-love, also known as FEAR.
When I began to lose weight and talked to a therapist who specialized in weight issues and eating disorders, I discovered that my fears were all nonsense. When we are kids and we think we hear something or see a shadow in the closet, we turn on the light only to realize there’s nothing there. I would expose these bogus fears one by one, shine a light on them, and tell them to get the F out! I still do this on a daily basis. There is something very powerful about telling our crazy, obsessive minds, and irrational thoughts to go take a hike, jump in a lake, take a long walk off a short pier, or whatever colorful expression or visualization you may find helpful.
Watch Your Mind!
People like me, who have a history of weight problems and issues with eating need to remain vigilant and watchful over our minds, which often subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) try to lure us into revisiting our old habits or finding some new addiction to temporarily gratify its pleasure center. My mind was well versed in its role as an obsessive-compulsive overeater—a food addict, if you will. The thought of food, of delicious food, of too much food (more than you needed to be healthy and live), of one more piece, one more bite, of shenanigans like getting up at midnight to eat the leftovers when you’re still full, are toxic habits. They are obvious thoughts our minds will keep throwing out like perfect-looking pitches right over home plate that curve at the last second, causing you to swing and miss if you take the bait. There are also less obvious ways our minds tend to try to “run the show” by getting us to feed our addictive pleasure center.
Now that I was no longer “overeating,” my mind was off in search for some new addiction to replace the excess food, which I so clearly gave the heave-ho, that I wrote a book about it! For many people who give up overeating, other addictions like alcohol, drugs, and even anorexic and bulimic behaviors can take the place of food. The mind has a way of getting fixated on anything that could possibly give it a rise or a sense of being in charge. The secret is taking the power back from your intoxicated mind.
Just because our minds tell us another slice of pizza or eating an entire chocolate cake in one evening is a good idea or another drink won’t hurt anyone doesn’t make it so. But our minds don’t force us to do anything except believe that whatever it’s telling us is worth doing. That’s how the mind gets its fix. Nice, huh? The addictive pleasure center in our minds is looking for instant gratification, a false high from something external, whether it be food or something else. The mind puts forth obsessive thoughts and false feelings of lack in order to gratify its pleasure center and get that temporary high. Remember, this part of us doesn’t care about our well-being. It doesn’t care if we are healthy and happy or miserable and addicted. Think about how life would be if you could eat whatever your mind told you it wanted, and you didn’t have to be held accountable. You’d likely be like I was, at least 150 pounds overweight, miserable, and on the verge of dying. You must simply begin by looking within and grasping the reality that you don’t need excess food or any external source of gratification to feel whole or complete. The food doesn’t make you feel better. The addictive part of your brain makes you think it does. Just like with any high, there comes the inevitable low: the guilt, shame, and embarrassment for overeating and being overweight. Think of how much wonderful, delicious food you can enjoy for many more years if you were to let go of the false need for a quick fix and instead focus on all that you already have that makes you whole.
Instead of Jiminy Cricket on our shoulder, we have what I consider to be this big fat resident junkie rat living upstairs in our attic looking to get a fix anyway it can! We can’t evict this rat, but we can learn to become the conscious observer of our thoughts and recognize when this rat is acting up and call it out! Screw you, rat, I DON’T need another slice of cake!
Monitor Obsessive Thoughts
Instead of feeding on obsessive thoughts about food—it’s hard to obsess about food when you’ve truly learned to enjoy just about every kind of food, restaurant, and situation in moderation—my screwy mind was looking for other ways to get its fix. My mind was hooked on telling me all the things I was doing wrong with my book tour and that I was wasting my time and would not be successful and should just go back to doing law full-time. That fat rat had gotten skinny and was looking for any crumbs it could find to satisfy its hunger. Our minds need to feel like they are in constant control, and nothing makes them feel more in control or powerful than when they are getting high off of self-destructive thoughts. This makes us feel worse and allows our minds to beat us up some more and try to get us to do the very same thing again to satisfy their addiction. Instead of enjoying what I thought I wanted, I stopped enjoying and living in the moment and started comparing myself to standards my mind kept making up. I kept thinking about what my life would be like had I not published this book and wasted all this time and money. It’s like the times when I used to diet and all I could think about was the delicious foods and restaurants I was missing out on, which would lead me to fall off the wagon and binge.
I realized that my mind was the culprit, the same mind that used to tell me I should be deprived in order to lose weight. It was what constantly reminded me of what I am missing out on and that I was a fat, unlovable, undisciplined failure. Yet it kept telling me I wanted and needed to eat more. Our minds can be our own worst enemies by working against us to undermine and sabotage us. My resident junkie rat had been living rent-free in my head my entire life, causing about as much pain and destruction as the worst tenant you may have ever tried to evict for not paying rent, for destroying the furniture, smashing the windows, or setting the place on fire! The same mind that used to obsess about food and think that excess eating was going to solve the world’s problems had decided to take up a new campaign: beating me up over my decision to write and publish my book and making me feel bad about myself. Thoughts like these could lead someone with a history of overeating or any kind of addiction to “fall off the wagon” and go back to their destructive behaviors or self-medicating. Remember, you are in charge at all times! The rat inside your head trying to tempt you to eat a little more and the committee that is trying to talk you down, are not the “real” you! They are a part of you, but these thoughts reside in the addictive part of our brains.
Remember what I had to nearly die to learn: We are more than our bodies and our minds; we are our souls. We were our souls before we came to be in this life; we are now, and we always will be, long after this life we are living is over. When you look at the big picture, all this nonsense our minds try to get us to buy into to feed their addictions is so unimportant. Yet, when we are in the throes of addictive and self-deprecating behavior, we can become totally consumed by our thoughts, which lead us to feel powerless, out of control, afraid, sad, angry, lonely, and overwhelmed, which in turn lead us to engage in behavior that is bad for us.
Our minds can inflict terrible damage on our psyche and self-esteem, and the truth is, most of what they tell us is just not helpful, if not flat out wrong. I started thinking of my “mind” (which was now telling me how I screwed up and could be doing so much better in another career) as this giant rat with gnarled, buck teeth residing in my head, eating cheese, chips, anything it could get its little paws on, and pissing, shitting, scratching, gnawing, and making a mess! My mind took the focus off myself and my well-being and instead shifted the focus on everything else outside of me. I was running from here to there, not getting enough rest or exercise or eating as well as I had been, as I was telling my audiences they needed to do. My mind kept telling me I wasn’t successful, that I needed to do more, book more events, spend more on PR, get on more shows, anything to sell more books. I had reached the point that I was not enjoying it, and I had become something I fought so hard not to become—part of the “rat race.” I needed to slow down, breathe, take stock, and tell my mind rat to F-OFF!
Keep Friends Who Will Keep You Honest!
Last summer, a good friend met me at a bar not long after I had come home to Florida following several months touring and signing books out of state. I was upset about something and was looking for sympathy as I berated myself and questioned everything I was doing. Instead of agreeing with me or allowing me to beat myself up any longer, my friend said that I needed to stop making excuses, stop feeling sorry for myself, and “Needed to practice what I was preaching.” She said it was hypocritical for me to go out and share the story of my success with others and then go sit in a bar feeling sorry for myself and engaging in behavior that was harmful to myself.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. One of my best friends was totally taking me to the mat! What kind of friend would do something like that? A good one. We will all likely have friends who fall into several camps: the Naysayers, who want to rain on your parade and question what you do (you don’t need them); the Enablers, who will tell you you’re doing great, even when you know you aren’t (eat more, get fat again, we miss the old Fat Fred—you don’t need them either); and True Friends who will be 100 percent supportive, yet will call you out on your shit when necessary. For your own good! These are the friends you will want to keep.
She was right. Wake up, Fred! What are you doing? You’ve come so far for this? What possible good was I doing for myself or anyone else by feeling sorry for myself and going out and drinking too much? Thankfully, my friend called me on it and refused to enable me. I said, “You’re right, it’s time for me to leave and have someone drive me home.” What I was doing that afternoon was just another form of overeating, which I was reminded contains a lot of empty calories and went straight to my belly. Hurting myself wasn’t going to solve my problems. Rather, it would only make things worse.
Practice What You Preach!
The next day, I decided I didn’t like being called a hypocrite, and, more than that, I really didn’t like being one. I didn’t like how I was behaving: passing the buck and allowing everything and everyone outside of me to affect me so profoundly. Would it only be a matter of time before I started overeating and gaining back the weight? I began to not only practice what I was preaching, I began to fully EMBRACE it! What was I doing? I loved myself enough to lose 150 pounds. Why couldn’t I love myself enough to accept things I couldn’t change and realize that I had everything I needed, and everything was exactly as it was supposed to be, whether I liked it or not. I needed to stop looking elsewhere for gratification and fighting the reality of what is. I needed to start being kinder, gentler, and more honest with myself, like when I began losing weight. I was a thirty-year-old child who needed to be taken by the hand and treated with compassion and also with tough love, which my friend gave me.
I had to stop making excuses and enabling myself to do things that weren’t good for me.
Take Time Out for Reflection and Self-Assessment
After the first year of touring and signing books, I took some time off to reflect. I needed to go back to being gentle with myself, just like when I began to lose weight. I didn’t start The Restaurant Diet by telling myself I was a big, fat, undisciplined failure, like I had in the past. I needed to tell remind myself of all the positive things I had accomplished during the past year, related to my book tour and other areas of my life. I needed to remind myself that I did not write my book to make money or become famous, and I had been willing to invest a lot of time, money, and effort to get my message out there in order to HELP OTHERS. That was the reason I wrote The Restaurant Diet.
Know Your Value and Charge Appropriately!
I also needed to embrace the fact that I needed to take a good, hard look at my business model and areas where I was losing money, making money, and what I could do differently or better. I began working with a business coach who helped me see there was a ton of potential revenue out there that I was missing out on: seemingly easy money for doing things I was already doing, but that I didn’t have the gumption to charge for or charge enough for. Just like with everything else, business and finance were other areas, or layers of the onion, that needed to be addressed, and there was no time like the present. I needed to shift my perception from “I can’t charge X for what I am doing” to “My time and services are valuable and people are willing to compensate me” and “People who want to work with me will be willing to pay me enough for my time, so that I am making money, not losing money.”
I remembered the Universal Law that goes something like “you get back what you give” in quality and quantity. When I stopped looking at writing and selling books as a money or ego-driven proposition and began to accept, embrace, and own my own values and the value of what I was bringing to the table, I made some changes in how I did things, and the bottom line began taking care of itself. I was able to relax more, and trust in the universe that all was well. Just like with losing weight and keeping it off, nothing remains static in this life. We need to constantly and honestly examine and review what’s going on in our lives, and, where necessary, make appropriate changes that will better serve us. This is how we continually improve and become better versions of ourselves.
How Do We Love Ourselves?
Not everyone can just wake up one morning and decide: Today I’m going to love myself. The reality is, I did wake up one day and decide to love myself for the first time in my life. That day was the day I decided to deal with my weight problem and every other issue that was holding me back and keeping me from living the life I was meant to.
Fast-forward ten years. While I decided I would finally love myself by realizing I was a lovable person worth saving, it would take me years to truly accept, embrace, and grasp on a soul level what it meant to truly love myself. I said I loved myself. The truth is I loved myself only a little, but, during the past ten years, it was never a total, unconditional love and acceptance. I still struggled with codependent, controlling behaviors, continued to fear life, and still managed to get sidetracked and risked throwing everything away several times, including my grief of the loss of my father, my frustration about business matters I had no control over, and several bad breakups.
Let me repeat: to lose weight and keep it off, we must learn to truly love ourselves. Our journey to losing weight and getting healthier is way more than getting to a number on the scale, or fitting into a dress, or looking better for swimsuit season. These are all positive things and worthwhile goals, but they do not address the key component to lasting weight loss. Instead, we must deal with the inner sickness, our inner sense of lack, our lack of self-love, which doesn’t automatically happen when you lose weight. Learning to love ourselves isn’t something that happens in days, weeks, or months. You can’t just flip it on like a light switch, especially if you have been in the throes of addictive behavior for years. Most diets don’t teach self-love. Most people who go on a “diet” aren’t doing so out of true love for themselves. Rather, most dieters are looking to change their outside appearance, looking for quick gratification, thinking the pot of gold will be waiting for them at the end of the diet.
Diets don’t teach or encourage love.
They don’t teach elements that are crucial to self-love and a healthy lifestyle, like acceptance, balance, compassion, and concepts like gratitude and self-care, as well as honest, dedicated, disciplined, and nourishing to our bodies, minds, and souls. Most diets cause us to feel like bad people who deserve to be punished by being deprived of foods we enjoy. And when we fall off the wagon, we feel like complete failures for not sticking to the routine. We remain obsessed with food we can’t enjoy, resent the process, dislike the exercise, grow impatient—you know the drill. Even successful weight loss is very difficult, if not impossible, to sustain if we don’t learn to truly love ourselves.
We reach our ideal weight and expect life to suddenly be perfect—making the cover of GQ, getting a great job, a gorgeous girlfriend who “totally gets you,” making a lot of money, acting with a sense of confidence and self-esteem that doesn’t just “happen” as the result of weight loss. All of these things are possible and aren’t bad things, but they are just things. They aren’t the end-all-be-all and even if you got everything you thought you ever wanted as a result of weight loss (or it just happened to fall into your lap), you still wouldn’t be satisfied, you would want more.
I had to learn the hard way that I always had everything I ever wanted and I am everything I ever needed. I lost 150 pounds in a year and life wasn’t suddenly magical. I struggled with dating for years.
My codependent behaviors continued to resurface and wreak havoc in my personal and professional life. I looked for relationships and other people to complete me, like I wasn’t enough. I would have to struggle with my demons and tendencies to resort to old behaviors and learn to truly realize and accept the reality: I am a lovable person. I am a soul having a human experience. I came here with nothing but my soul. I am and have nothing but my soul, and I will leave here with nothing but my soul. Money, people, possessions, our bodies, our minds, all of it will cease to exist one day. I now believe in my heart of hearts that we are all eternal.
If I could summarize everything I have in just one word, it is LOVE. Love is the answer to the riddle of life. When we love ourselves, we no longer need the illusion of external gratification. We simply are. We accept what is. We are grateful. We don’t feel a need for excess food to fulfill us. We don’t pass our needs off on another person, who we may unreasonably and unfairly expect to fulfill our needs by loving, treating, and making us feel a certain way. The reality is nobody and nothing can make us feel anything.
Nobody and nothing can fill an inner emptiness. When we realize we always have had everything we ever needed, when we love ourselves, life suddenly becomes easier. We are no longer fighting with ourselves and with life, we stop looking outside of ourselves for love and fulfillment, stop indulging in bad habits like addictions to people, places, and things, such as food, alcohol, and drugs. These things lose their power as we step up and claim ours. We are powerful. We have the power. We have the keys to a beautiful bright future and to more than we could have ever imagined. It all begins within us.
My diet turned into so much more than losing weight. It led to the “total makeover” of every aspect of myself, which continues to this day. It didn’t stop once I reached a desirable weight. I struggled with this for years and had to continue to work on myself and learn to love the imperfect person I am in order to maintain my weight. I had to learn to forgive others. Most of all, I had to forgive myself. I had to let go of resentments. I had to learn to put my own needs first in a non-selfish way, which, as a recovering codependent, is very difficult. I had to learn new ways to enjoy life and to live each day to the fullest. I got to explore new activities and new destinations, while learning to make peace with my past, letting go of the pain, and discovering the remarkable being I am. In addition to embracing a positive attitude of acceptance, even when things weren’t as I might have liked, I learned to truly love myself, which made it easier to get up every day and strive to do my best and to work to improve every aspect of my life. I had to accept that I am human and will never achieve perfection, and that is fine. As long as I am honest and doing my best, I should be proud of myself.
Be Your Own Best Friend!
I learned to be my own best friend, which made sense since I spend more time with myself than with anyone else. I had to accept that there is no special person, no wonder drug, and no amount of money that can make us love ourselves or make us feel complete. We are complete, and we are beautiful. We are love. We must practice this by learning to treat the weight loss experience as an exercise in learning to have a positive relationship with food as a substance we need to nourish ourselves. We must improve our relationships with ourselves while improving our relationships with others, and life becomes more joyful. Things and other people aren’t going to make us happy. I’ve learned along the way that true happiness is when you reach a place of inner peace and acceptance. A place of love. Self-love. We can’t love anything or anyone if we don’t love ourselves. In the beginning and in the end, it always was and always will be about us.
Peel Your Onion—Discover and Reclaim Yourself!
Anyone can lose weight by finding the right combination of healthful eating and beneficial exercise but adopting a positive attitude and learning to love ourselves is far more challenging—you can’t simply eat, diet, or exercise your way there. It takes practice, dedication, and a roadmap of helpful hints to guide you there. And you can’t fake it. As we lose weight, get healthier, feel better, and learn to love ourselves and the life we are creating, our self-esteem and attitude improve. These go hand-in-hand.
I liken the journey of weight loss and self-discovery to peeling the layers back of the proverbial onion that surrounds us. During the process, we reclaim missing pieces of ourselves, discover new and exciting things about ourselves, and build our self-esteem. We peel off the layers that no longer serve us, and we shed some tears along with the pounds. Eventually, we get to the sweet center of the onion, which is our true self.
The layers of the onion represent negative or harmful behaviors, thought processes, emotions, distorted self-images, and anything that isn’t in our best interest.
The sweet center we discover as we shed pounds and transform our lives is who we really are. When we finally get to meet our true selves, we should find it easier to love and want to take better care of ourselves. It took me a long time and a lot of effort to get here, and trust me, I did not arrive here all neat and tidy simply by losing 150 pounds.
Make Peace with the Outside World by Making Peace with Yourself
It took a lot of bruises and heartache, but I’m finally living in an internal place where things outside of me—people, places, things, and events—no longer affect me so much. I certainly no longer place my happiness in the hands of others or in expectations that anything outside of me can or ever will fulfill me. They can’t. This is where our power lies. Once we fully accept and embrace this concept, we become more peaceful and almost immune to life. Things happen, but they don’t affect us or threaten to send us off the rails in search of some kind of quick fix. We don’t need a quick fix or any kind of fix when we are functioning in a place of self-love, acceptance, and gratitude.
During the past ten years, since beginning my weight loss journey, I have had a lot of time to reflect upon my own progress. It is hard to believe that ten years have passed since I began this process or that my life ever was as limited and unpleasant as it had been for so long. Having weighed over three hundred pounds for over five years and struggling with my weight for nearly three decades, I never could have imagined my life would be as wonderful and rewarding as it is today. While losing the weight, and during the years I have worked to keep it off, there have been many days where I struggled and fell back into old negative thought patterns and behaviors. I am grateful for therapy, support groups, family, and good friends for helping me put things into perspective, but, at the end of the day, each one of us alone is responsible for our success, or lack thereof. There were many days where a positive thought or nugget totally turned my day around and kept me from spiraling out of control, which, in the past, often led me to destructive behaviors like overeating.
Persistence Pays Off!
I’ve learned the hard way that when you believe in something and you do it for the right reasons (even if you stumble along the way and make mistakes or suffer setbacks), if you are honest with yourself, if you assess the situation and examine your role in it and then make changes for the better, then you will be recognized and rewarded in the long run. Recently, I had the privilege of speaking before a sold-out crowd of sixty attendees (with a waiting list) at the Designing Women’s Boutique in Sarasota, Florida. The audience was laughing and crying. I’ve never received so many heartfelt compliments in my life.
At another event in Naples, a couple came up to me afterwards and invited me to dinner. That being said, I get invited to dinner all the time, so many invitations that I can’t possibly accept even a fraction of them. I also frequently do pop-up book signings at restaurants and bars all over the country that are kind enough to allow it. I like this concept because it allows me to be totally real. I need to eat, I like meeting and talking to people, and where better to share my story than in restaurants? These people at my Naples event wanted to not only buy me dinner, they were willing to pay my hourly consultation rate for my time to eat with them in one of their favorite restaurants and show them in real time exactly how The Restaurant Diet works! We went to dinner the following week. They each brought along a notepad and wrote down exactly what I shared with them as we enjoyed what turned out to be a healthy, delicious meal in a wonderful restaurant! I am now offering this service to clients throughout Florida and in other areas when I am traveling.
Another honor was receiving The People of Distinction Humanitarian Award from Al Cole of CBS Radio. I had the pleasure of speaking to a packed house of several hundred attendees along with a dozen or so other authors, entrepreneurs, and people who have made a positive difference in the lives of others. I was honored for my work speaking to and coaching people with weight loss issues, as well as my talks about the effects of bullying. As you will read, growing up the fattest kid in middle school led me to be teased and bullied mercilessly, which further crushed my already low self-esteem and affected my self-image and perception for years after.
For the best chance at lasting success, we need to truly accept, value, believe in, trust, and love ourselves. 100 percent. All the time. No matter what. On our best days and on our worst days. We need to remember that we are still human, which isn’t a pass to screw up or not take responsibility but a reminder that allows us to be gentle and honest with ourselves when we inevitably do make a mistake, so that we can examine it, learn from it, and strive to do better. Becoming better human beings is a lifelong process. You don’t just instantly get better. Becoming a better version of ourselves is like becoming better at anything—it takes practice, practice, practice. There will be times we fail, and times we soar, but so long as we learn from our perceived failures, we really can’t call them failures, now can we? Growth and self-improvement are not always a linear process. Tomorrow might not be as good as today, but as long as the overall trajectory is in a positive direction, we can treat any perceived setback or challenge as a learning opportunity.
There Is Opportunity in Every Challenge
I no longer look at my previous diets as failures or things I wish I had done differently in any area of my life as mistakes. Sure, there are a lot of things I would like to take back, or do over, but can’t. All I can do is learn the lessons I was meant to learn, and do better the next time. Life tends to keep throwing us the same kind of pitches until we finally figure out how to hit it out of the park!
Today, I am blessed to have an amazing life I have worked hard to have and am continuing to work even harder every day to keep progressing on my journey and sharing my wisdom with others. I’ve found the best way to keep what I have and to practice the lifestyle I am living is to literally practice it, build and improve upon it every single day, not fret the small stuff, love and take care of myself, live the best life I can, and share it with others. The reward of a life well lived and shared with others is a greater reward than money.
Introducing You!
Perhaps the most remarkable part of this entire journey is getting to meet yourself, a better version of yourself than you ever thought possible. Good-looking, funny, witty, athletic, compassionate: you’ll be amazed at what you’re really made of! You will be someone you would want to meet, want to get to know, want to hang out with, and want to love! The reality is you already are all of these things. We all are. We just need to look inside and claim who we really are!
Today, I have found someone that totally gets me, loves me unconditionally, and fulfills all my needs. This person is honest with me and calls me out when necessary, and, no matter what setbacks occur, encourages me to dust myself off and keep going, trying my best to do better than before. This person is ME. Any external things, like selling a million books, getting a law degree, driving a nice car, taking a lovely vacation, living in an expensive home, buying nice clothes, having a beautiful girlfriend—are all nice, yet they are all external to ourselves, and none of these things will ever make us “feel” whole. We are the only ones who can do that. Once we learn that we have the power and we alone hold the keys to our happiness, life becomes so much simpler. It all comes down to LOVE. SELF-LOVE. When we truly love ourselves, the rest of the world loves us back. You get back what you give. Start by looking within and realizing you always were, you are, and always will be everything you need.
Start with a Clean Plate!
To be successful at losing weight and transforming your life, I suggest starting not with a clean slate, but a clean plate! Before starting your “diet” or what I prefer to call a “weight loss journey,” I encourage you to disregard most of what you think you know or have read or have been told about weight loss. Forget about all the times you’ve tried to lose weight and hated it, gained it back, etc. Decide once and for all that you are going to enjoy your weight loss journey and make your personal transformation and journey of self-discovery THE most exciting and fabulous thing you will ever do! I wish you the best of luck, though we really don’t need “luck.” We have every tool we need right inside ourselves to do and become anything we truly desire.
Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul.
—Democritus
