Читать книгу The Dogs and the Fleas - Frederic Scrimshaw - Страница 11

Table of Contents

Barren Hopes.—The Handle Tied up.—Defeat of the White Legs by the Black Legs and the Pink Eyed Dogs.—Invention of the Will of the Dogs Expresser.—The Invention Graciously Accepted by the Fleas.—Sanguine Hopes.

SO at last the White Leg dogs, weary unto death with waiting for the fruit which came not on the barren fig tree of the big fleas’ “hearty good wishes,” resolved that they would demand a larger allowance.

Therefore they sent down some of the big and bold dogs, to tell the fleas around the Tank that unless they would restore their allowance to what it was at first, and abolish the contribution of toes, and the chucking in of fainting dogs, and would grease the bearings of the Handle, and reduce the number of their working hours, and refuse to employ any dog that had not on the White Label, and would do and not do, many other things most astonishing to the fleas, the dogs would all take their White Labels and twist them all together into a most unbreakable rope, and therewith tie up the Handle with such unheard-of and untieable knots, that nobody on earth save the White Legs, would be able to release it. Whereupon the Mill would stop, and the Stream would dry up, and the fleas would collapse, and other great miseries would come upon them. Therefore it behooved them to listen to reason, and grant their reasonable requests ere it were too late, and the Handle were tied up.

But the fleas showed no alarm and went on filling themselves. They simply turned towards Pharaoh Phrique, and said: “Brother Phrique, thou art learned in all the learning of the Egyptian taskmasters. Thou art a skillful hide skinner and dog walloper, and well versed in the secret art of squelching insolence and ill behavior. Thou wast our trusty counsel in our late fight with these dogs, before they got this White Label craze, and thou didst bring us through it with honor and dividends. Thou wast our High Tower, our Shield and Hiding Place, whereunto we ran and were safe—all save our beloved Andronicus Carnivorous, who gat himself over the pond for hiding. We trust thee; deal with them as seemeth thee good.”

So Pharaoh hardened his heart as aforetime, and spake thus unto the dogs: “Dogs that ye are; insolent despisers of your precious privileges. I chastened you once before, thinking to bring your erring feet into the path of duty and wisdom. But ye are a stiff-necked and perverse generation. Ye have heaped sin upon sin. Not content with having tried to rob us before, ye have formed a Union, which is to commit the Unpardonable Sin. Get out of this, therefore; vamose the ranch; put; scoot; absquatulate; skedaddle, and make yourselves scarce; for I swear that even as our brother Webbfoot and Brother Gold Jay, and other of our brethren did chastise their dogs once, I will chastise you. Yea, I will so grind and crush you that the whole world shall hear the sound thereof, for I, Pharaoh Phrique, have said it. Tie up the Handle with your rope of White Labels; it shall be unto me as tow burnt with the fire; for I will dissolve your Union and scatter the members thereof, and give your heritage unto the Unlabeled and more obedient Black Legs. Git!” And he drove them from his presence.

But the dogs did tie up the Handle, and the Mill did stop, and some of the catastrophes foretold did happen. But Pharaoh Phrique whistled to the Black Legs to come and gnaw the rope. And he went by night down to a secret place in Canisville, called the Devil’s Cheap Bargain Counter, where certain lewd and ferocious dogs of the baser sort, which had Pink Eyes that could not bear the sunshine, did for a few scraps of dirty bread and meat, hire themselves out on foggy and moonless nights to worry and kill any other dogs that were objectionable to the fleas; and he paid them handsomely to go by night and secretly get behind the White Legs and tear them to pieces.

And there was a great fight. The hungry Black Legs fought to untie the Handle, and the Devil’s Pink Eyed Cheap Bargain Counter Dogs helped them. And so it came to pass that the White Legs were driven away; and some hastened to pull off the White Labels and mingle with the Black Legs, and scrambled to get back to the Handle.

And at the going down of the sun the rope was broken; and the handle, untied, was going like mad. And Pharaoh Phrique and the Brethren were holding a praise meeting around the Tank, and giving God thanks that He had so signally made bare His mighty arm and scattered their enemies, who had come so near breaking up the Foundations of Society.

So the poor dogs, with broken hearts and broken hopes, did grind on and on for many days, and the victory of the Monstrous Fleas seemed to be complete.

It came to pass, however, that a new hope sprang up among the toilers at the Handle. Owing to their incessant occupation during their long days, they had no leisure to think, but they gathered together during the short night to growl and snarl, and damn things in general and greedy fleas in particular. They schemed and plotted many remedies which all came to naught.

But one night, one of the dogs that had a big head and looked to have wisdom, got up and said: “Brethren, I do perceive that all these violent methods of rectifying our wrongs do fail. Now, I pray you, consider; we dogs be many and these fleas be few, why then are we not their masters? Why are we their slaves? I know that fleas have been divinely ordained to find us employment, and dogs to serve them, in the Fear of God, for even so hath the much-salaried barker in the Church of the Fleas,—the great Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite—told us, and he knoweth a thing or two about God’s purposes. But, as the same much-salaried barker also saith, they were ordained to be kind to us and treat us with justice and mercy. But, brethren, ye know that they do treat us most devilishly. Now, all this comes to pass because they do not know how many we are and what we think about them. There’s where it is, brethren; if we had some regular and orderly method of telling them how many we are, and what we think of them, they would surely give heed unto our cries and demands, for we are many—very many. If we could authoritatively—authoritatively, brethren,—state to them our Will, they would surely ameliorate our lot and treat us with generosity. And when they have once been made to know what is the Expressed Will of the Dogs, they will see that it is Public Opinion and will bow to it. Thus, my brethren, shall we be FREE.”

And all the other dogs arose on their hind legs and cried in a great chorus: “It is an Inspiration, it is an Inspiration: it cometh from Above.”

And the dog, seeing that his idea was well received, was encouraged and went on, “Brethren, this idea is far better than the White Label idea, or that of lengthening the Handle. Those methods are merely empirical nostrums and expedients, but this is a radical remedy and a perfect cure. Now behold the application of it. I have invented a device which I call the ‘Will of the Dogs Expresser.’ It is a little box with a little slot in the top thereof, and hath a bottom that openeth by way of a little trap door into a long shute. I propose to fix up the slotted box right near the Handle of the Mill (with the sanction, of course, of the owners thereof) so that the long shute shall reach right down to where the big fleas sit. And it shall be that on certain days (by permission of the fleas) every dog shall receive a little strip of paper on which he shall write his Will (if he have one), and shall fold it up and drop it through the little slot into the little box. And it shall be that when the little box is full some one shall pull down the little trap door in the bottom thereof, when the load of papers shall go in a thundering avalanche down the shute into the midst of the fleas around the Tank, and they shall know that the Will of the Dogs Expresser hath spoken. Then shall the fleas sort out the bits of paper, and it shall be that if there be more bits of paper that will one thing, than there are that will another thing, then the thing willed on the greater number shall be done. Thus ye see, my brethren, we may will whatsoever we will, and the greater will shall be done. Therefore brethren, whatsoever evils we suffer for the future, will be all due to our own fault.”

And all the dogs approved the plan, and sent a committee down next day to the fleas to see if they had any objections to the new invention. And to the delight of the dogs, the big fleas said they thought it an excellent idea, that reflected great credit on the inventor thereof, and he ought to be rewarded by appointment to the place of Chucker-in-in-Chief at the hopper, and they thought the plan would be a very healthy form of amusement for the dogs, and would tend to Good Order and the Stability of Institutions, and they wished all success to the Expresser. Furthermore, they graciously offered to do the counting of the papers at the bottom of the shute; and they even went so far as to graciously condescend to be the Public Servants of the dogs at the Handle, and do anything the dogs, by their Expresser, might order them to do, saying that, seeing fleas had all wealth and leisure and power and respectability, none could be so fit to carry out effectively the Will of the Dogs.

But what astounded the dogs with an astonishment that struck them blind and dumb, was that the fleas begged the dogs to allow them the privilege of becoming their Equals on the great Paper Dropping Day, and drop their little Wills into the little box with the little slot in it.

So the committee returned and reported the gracious way in which they had been received, the wonderful affability of the fleas, and their condescension in offering themselves as the Servants of the dogs.

Whereupon the dogs did rejoice with exceeding great joy that they had at last found a Sovereign Remedy for their sorrows.