Читать книгу The Dogs and the Fleas - Frederic Scrimshaw - Страница 13

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Dearth of Dogs.—The Blood Stream Begins to Fail.—Scheme to Recruit from Hungryland.—How it Worked to the Destruction of the White Leg Association, and the Little Box with the Little Slot in it.

AND it came to pass that there began to be visible a slackening of the Stream at the Spout, for the great greed of the fleas around the Tank was using up both the supply of dogs available for chucking in, and the strength of the weary toilers at the Handle.

Which caused a great fear to fall on the Brethren. But one of them, less blind, though not less greedy, than the others, called their attention to the State of Things.

“See ye not, my brethren,” said he, “that the Stream faileth? The arc it describeth is not so large as aforetime, which meaneth that the hopper above is not replenished to its full capacity, which further meaneth that either those rascally chuckers-in are not doing their full duty, or that the supply of dogs to chuck in is running low.”

This discovery filled the other Brethren with terror, and they looked first at their own big and bloated bodies—which by this time had become mere featureless blood bags—and then at the Stream, so visibly running low, and, trembling with a coward fear, cried out: “Oh, who will save us from perishing? For the Blood is our life and it faileth. Oh, pestilence, fury and plague, we shall grow less! Oh, we don’t mind bursting with bigness; but oh, to grow little again! Oh! all is vanity under the Sun! We did think that Providence, for whom we have done so much, would have given us this day our daily dogs to grind. But He has gone back on us. Us, brethren, who never went back on Him and never let his churches want for any good thing. All is lost! lost!! lost!!!”

And they bewailed and lamented sore; and one, at the contemplation of his possible shrinkage, went temporarily insane and waddled out and killed himself.

But the Discoverer spoke up and said: “Allay your fears, and assuage your grief, my brethren; all is not lost by a long chalk. I have excogitated a Scheme which I think will work. Behold! are there not more dogs on the earth than the dogs of Canisville? Yea, verily! dogs more weary, languid and sore distressed than they? I have heard that in Hungryland, over the pond, away beyond Kyhidom, are millions of dogs who are dreadfully flea-bitten and exhausted, who would think it getting verily to heaven if they could come here and get such bountiful wages as we allow to our grinding dogs.

“Go to, now. Let us send forth apostle dogs to Hungryland that shall tell the dogs there of the wonderful heaven of peace and joy and plenty in the West; of the Great Wages paid to honest toil, thrift and temperance; of the Boundless Opportunities open to honest ambition; of the Liberty there, and the Absolute Equality of the Rich and Poor before the Law; how in that wonderful land the Dogs and not the Fleas do the governing, and set up and pull down their Public Servants at their own sweet will and pleasure, by means of the little box with the little slot in it. And let the apostles hold up aloft the brilliant example of our dearly beloved brother, Saint Andronicus Carnivorous, who came over from North Kyhidom as mean a dog as any of them, and all by his own unaided Toil and Thrift and Temperance—without even the blessing of God, in whom he taketh no stock—put himself through the Great Transformation and became as big and bloated a flea as the most excellent of us, and wrote a Book. And let them say that he is not the only example by many thousands of the Illimitable Possibilities of this land; and they will come rushing over by thousands, and our chuckers-in shall seize them. Thus shall the hopper of our prosperity be replenished with an everlasting supply, and the former bigness of the Blood Stream be restored—aye, more than restored, for we will enlarge the Spout and widen and deepen the hopper and elongate the Handle, and the rushing thousands from Hungryland will fight for a chance to grind.

“Thus shall we have more dogs to be ground up and more dogs to grind them, and as there will always be standing around the Handle a vast multitude licking their chops in hope of seeing the grinders faint and fall, we shall be able to diminish our great expenses by reducing the great quantity of blood we are now compelled by cruel circumstances to put on the end of the needle—which is a great imposition. So shall the blood spurt out in great style, and we will have a larger Tank, so that more fleas can sit around it; and we will drink and drink and grow and grow and become so great as never was. And then will we put down the insolence of those white-legged dogs, who have so often troubled us by entering into unconstitutional conspiracies to hamper us and overthrow the liberties of free-born dogs to make free contracts with us to grind for the wages we offer. Having handy so many thousands of Black Legs, we will not need the White Legs any more, but will have them all chucked into the hopper. Moreover, I think, we will be able, with all this inexhaustible supply of blood coming in, to heal our internal disagreements and sink all our little superficial distinctions of Low Pressurists and High Pressurists, and truly appear what we really are—One Common Family of Blood Drinkers; for there will then be blood enough for each and all of us. Then will we, working together as One United Family abolish that infernal nuisance of the little box with the little slot in it. Ye all know, brethren, that the day off which the dogs, through the unbecoming schism amongst ourselves, take to work the Will of the Dogs Expresser, is a dead loss to us in the cessation of the grind. I appeal to you, brethren, to consider the great loss we suffer; calculate the number of dogs that might be chucked in during the twenty-four hours spent in the wicked and wasteful amusement of Paper Dropping, and the further loss accruing from the lazy turning of the Handle next day, owing to the enervating and mind distracting hilarity of the previous day. Let us then be wise and consult our best interest. Thus Brethren shall we have a time, times and half a time of fatness, ease and prosperity.”

These words brought joy and hope to the Brethren; and all said the suggestions of the Discoverer were as the turning inside out of the Dark Cloud to show its Silver Lining; some called them a Providential Relief; and some said they went to show that this world was run by the Creator on the principle of Universal Harmony and the Compensation Balance, in that what one part thereof lacked another supplied.

Saint Andronicus Carnivorous was the only one not entirely enthusiastic. He arose and cautiously said, “Brethren, the proposition of our dear brother, the Discoverer, lacketh nothing that is highly to be approved. No doubt it will be highly profitable to us, and therein I am heartily with him—especially in that part relating to the abolition of the wicked White Legs, and the unwholesome box with the little slot in it. But I want you to give me a guarantee that there will be no danger in it to me. You know I have a Reputation which is very dear to me; and if these Hungry Dogs come here and find the Truth is not as preached, they will reproach me as one of you, and so I and my Reputation and my Book will fall into contempt, and they may go even so far as to call me a Hypocrite. Therefore I would rather not be seen in the matter; and so, will hie me away until the reproach be over.”

To which the others made answer that there was very little danger or reproach in the scheme; that the Hungry Dogs would get all the disappointment, the apostles all the reproach, and the fleas all the profit; but that to be on the safe side Saint Andronicus had better go away over the pond and lie low, and they would find some one of a Don’t-care-a-d—— disposition, like Brother Pharaoh Phrique, to carry out the scheme, particularly the abolition of the White Legs and the flinging of them into the hopper.

And it was so that Carnivorous did go away and lie low; and the apostles did go out into all the world of the Hungry Dogs and preach the Gospel of Lies; and the Hungry Dogs were beguiled and came over and brought their great hunger with them, and by their great ferocity the White Legs were wrenched away from the Handle and thrown by the chuckers-in into the hopper.

And in that day the Low Pressure Dog Admirers and the High Pressure Dog Worshippers were made friends again and became One; and they ordered the Hungry Dogs to break up the box with the little slot in it and burn it with fire; and the Mill was enlarged; and the Stream was thicker and stronger than ever; and the Tank was enlarged; and the United Fleas sat around and drank themselves fuller, and grew so big that they shut out the sky and the light of the Sun; and by reason thereof a great and deadly darkness came over the land, and in the shadow thereof all plants of the light, such as Honesty, Truth, Liberty, and Municipal, State and National Rectitude, went mouldy and rotten; and the big, over-bloated fleas, by reason of their great gluttony, grew leprous and stank, and their evil odor filled the air; wherefore great sickness and plagues broke out everywhere, which carried off many dogs and some fleas.

And through all this evil time the dogs ground and fainted and sighed and howled, and sent up blasphemies and curses and prayers to a Heaven that was very deaf to them, but was apparently very good to the monstrosities that sat around the Tank.