Читать книгу The Dogs and the Fleas - Frederic Scrimshaw - Страница 12

Table of Contents

How the Will of the Dogs Expresser Worked.—The Solemn Mummery Committee.—How it Inquired very Extensively into the Condition of the Dogs.—Quarrel Between the High Pressure Nighuntos and Low Pressure Faraways.—Wonderful Double Back Action of the Little Box with the Little Slot in it.

THEN did the dogs set up the little box with the little slot in it; and upon a day appointed they went every one and dropped into it little papers, upon some of which was written that the fleas must inquire into the hard condition of the dogs, with a view to ameliorating it; and on some it was written that the fleas need not inquire into their condition, with a view, etc., for there were some dogs that were afraid to have a Will, lest it should be known that they had expressed it and should be discharged from the Handle.

So when all the papers had been dropped through the slot and the box was full, the trap in the bottom thereof was pulled, and the load of papers went down in a thundering avalanche by the shute into the midst of the fleas. And the fleas sorted them and counted them, and one arose and said, “Oyez! Oyez! the Will of the Dogs Expresser hath spoken and there is a Great Majority; and the Great Majority commandeth that we, as their Public Servants, do forthwith inquire into the hard condition of the dogs at the Handle, with a view to ameliorating it. We must therefore bow to the Mandate, and look into their condition, with a view, etc.”

Thereupon the fleas did immediately appoint a Solemn Mummery Committee to take with them telescopes and microscopes, spectacles and eye-glasses to go and look into the condition of the dogs, with a view, etc. And when the dogs saw them coming they barked propitiatingly and wagged their tails delightedly to see the fleas come at the Mandate of the Expresser, and they prophesied great good things of comfort to come of it.

And the fleas did look into their condition. Some stood afar off and viewed the grinding dogs through their telescopes, and made notes of what they saw; and some, with their microscopes got quite near and closely examined their prominent ribs and sore backs and blood-shot eyes and their generally measly appearance, and made voluminous notes; while the rest made general surveys through their spectacles and eye-glasses, and made notes.

Thus did the Committee gather a huge Mass of Statistics which they promised the dogs they would Publish, which promise made the dogs to dance for joy.

And after many days the fleas rolled up what they called a Volume, bulky with Facts and Figures, and fat with Platitudes and Suggestions concerning the amelioration of the grievous condition of the Handle Turning Dogs, which the Volume called the Great Question of the Day.

And the fleas sent up a bill to the dogs which recited that this great Volume, gotten up for their benefit, had cost the fleas an enormous amount of time and labor which must be recouped unto them by the dogs, and that it would require the dogs to grind an hour a day more for one year.

So the dogs did grind and sigh an hour a day more, but had great faith in the Will Expresser which

“* * * Moved in a mysterious way,

Its wonders to perform.”

In process of time there came about a grave quarrel among the fleas around the Tank, and they began to call each other names. The quarrel began by those farthest away from the Spout getting jealous of those that sat nearest thereto, for they said those that sat nigh unto got a better chance to help themselves to the blood, and consequently got fatter than those that sat far away, which those sitting nearest declared to be all nonsense and a libel on their honors. Nevertheless, it so happened that they did get fatter and bigger than those that sat farther away; and though they disclaimed violently that their extra fatness was due to their proximity to the Spout they did not volunteer to change places with the farther off ones. Therefore the Faraways—who were nearly all Low Pressurists—began to push and shove to get up near to the Spout, and the Nighuntos—who were mostly High Pressurists—did push and shove to maintain their places, not, said they, because they wanted to sit nigh unto the Spout, but as a matter of Principle, because they were the lineal descendants of a Grand Old Party of High Pressure Suckers that had once, a many years before, rushed to the rescue and salvation of the Spout, when a lot of Low Pressure Suckers, the lineal ancestors of the present pesky Low Pressurists, had made a dastardly and traitorous attempt to break it off and cripple the Mill.

And there was a mighty shoving; and the Nighuntos indignantly said unto the Faraways, “Whom are ye a shoving of?” And much bad temper was shown, and upon several occasions divers of them got hurt.

Then did some of the acute Faraways hit upon a way of strengthening themselves to shove the Nighuntos away from the Spout and get there themselves. Said they, “Why not get the dogs to help us to shove?” So they sent secretly for the inventor of the Will of the Dogs Expresser and said unto him, “Lo! We be Dog Admirers, and believe that your hard condition should be ameliorated. It is quite plain to any thinking mind that your long days of grinding at the Handle and your bloodless condition are due to those cruelly greedy Nighuntos that sit close up to the Spout. They are never satisfied. The Tank does not require half the blood that flows into it. All the rest, these suckers deliberately appropriate for their own private fattening.

“Now if we sat near the Spout we would reduce the flow of blood to the requirements of the Tank, ‘economically administered,’ and would cause all that now unnecessarily flows into it to be given to the dogs at the Handle, to whom it rightfully belongs. Thus will the number of your hours of toil be reduced. Promise us therefore that the next time ye use your great and ever blessed Expresser, ye will send a thundering avalanche of papers down the shute ordering the Nighuntos to get away from the Spout, and us Faraways to take their places. So shall your hard condition be ameliorated indeed.”

And the Inventor, with his tail brandished on high, ran back to his fellow toilers at the Handle, crying, “Joy! Joy! Deliverance! Behold; the Faraways, who are our friends, have promised that if we will order the Nighuntos, by the Will of the Dogs Expresser, to give place at the Spout to the Faraways, they will administer the Tank and the Spout in our interest.”

But the Nighuntos got to hear that the Faraways had made a treaty of mutual help with the dogs. So they sent a delegation up to the grinders, saying, “Be not deceived; these Faraway Low Pressurists are frauds. Their love for you is all in our eye. They wish to get nigh unto the Spout only for to make themselves fat. And what is more, we know that they are traitors to dogs in general and to you Handle Turners in particular, for we have discovered that they have been engaged for a long time in a dastardly plot to break down this Infant Industry of dog grinding, in which you and we are mutually interested, and to uproot this whole Mill from its foundations, and sell it and the Handle—by the turning of which ye are maintained in constant employment at high wages—to your enemies the pauper dogs of Kyhidom, who will thus turn you out of employment, to wander about seeking for a Handle to turn and finding none. Therefore, do not listen to the plausible lies they tell; but remember that Dogs at the Handle and Fleas at the Tank are ONE and retain us close to the Spout—us, who are its Natural Guardians, and who were its Shield and Salvation in its Hour of Peril in the time past—and ye shall have more steady employment than ever. Be wise, and set your faces as flint against this conspiracy. Let your watchword be “High Wages and Protection to our Native Handle Turners.” They be liars and the party of immoral ideas, and are merely Dog Admirers. But we be the Only Original Truth Speakers and Dog Worshippers.”

And it was so that the words of the Only Original Truth Speakers sank deeply into the hearts of the Handle Turners; and great fear and discumfuzzlement fell upon many of them. And they were divided in opinion. Some said the Dog Worshippers spake wisely, for all knew that the dogs of Kyhidom had always been their enemies; and no doubt it was true that the dogs of Kyhidom had seduced the Faraway Low Pressure Dog Admirers to sell the Mill and take away the Handle. And others said that the Dog Worshippers must be a greedy, unconscionable lot of Suckers who made large pretenses of friendship and love to the Handle Turners simply to retain their fat positions at the Spout, since no one, under the most rigid scrutiny and cross-examination, had ever been able to adduce the twenty thousand millionth part of an instance where a High Pressure Sucker had ever sought anything other than the enlargement of his own private and particular paunch.

So when the great Paper Dropping Day came around there was much barking and snarling and wrangling as to who ought to be placed near the Spout; and the two sets of fleas were trembling between great hopes and great fears; and each set shouted its hardest to the dogs to be wise and to be faithful to their own best interests by dropping their papers for it in the slot of the little Expresser.

And there was much noise and confusion during the filling of the little box. And when the little trap door was pulled and the papers went in a thundering avalanche down the shute, each set of fleas tried to run away with the Great Majority regardless of what was written upon them. But after much fighting it was finally declared that the Great Majority of Wills was for the Faraways to sit up near the Spout, and for the Nighuntos to get far away. Then did both the Faraways and Nighuntos rise up and beautifully make obeisance to the Expressed Will of the Dogs, the heretofore Faraways bowing even to the ground; but the heretofore Nighuntos merely inclined their noses, and said “Damn” in soliloquial whispers.

So the Faraways got up close to the Spout and became the Nighuntos, and the Nighuntos were shoved to the lower end of the Tank and became the Faraways, and began in their turn to hustle and shove and charge the Nighuntos with selfishly using the Spout to make themselves fat.

And the dogs of the Majority were very happy, and took a day off (by gracious permission of the new Nighuntos) to bark and stand on their heads and burn fuel and make great smoke and stench, and do other idiotic things to show the great joy they felt at having put another set of suckers near the Spout.

Then they returned to diligently turn the Handle and hope for great good times. Which came not.

And after many days of the same old grind, being taunted by the dogs of the Minority who every morning said, “We told you so,” and every evening said, “Thus did we prophesy unto you,” the dogs of the Majority sent down to ask the new Nighuntos about what time the dogs at the Handle might expect the peep of the Better Day and the fruition of the Promises?

To which the Nighunto Dog Admirers solemnly made answer that they had made the fearful discovery that the tank was on two bases, one of gold and the other of silver, and that the Silver Basis had shrunk and got so dreadfully awry that the Tank had fallen all askew on that side, and was in danger of capsizing altogether, so that they were all in a dreadful stew, and had to give all their attention to the Great Question of getting it into position again on a Single Gold Basis that would command their Confidence, and never, never, never give way again, and that all mere dog starvation and trouble were trivialities compared to the great overshadowing need of saving the Tank from ruin. Besides, the Faraway Dog Worshippers were now in control of the lower end of the Tank, and had, previous to its slipping with its Silver Basis, wickedly bored a hole in it and drawn off the Surplus, and were in other ways most unpatriotically hampering the Dog Admirers in their efforts to economize and reduce the Stream; that there was a Great Deficiency to be made up, and that it would be some years at least before they would be in a Position to effect much Reform, and that for the present it was absolutely necessary for the dogs to make up the Great Deficiency in the Tank, and must grind an hour a day longer for at least a year.

Which caused the dogs to go sadly back to their hungry turning of the Handle, and to wonder why the great Will of the Dogs Expresser required so much eternity its wonders to perform.