Читать книгу The Dogs and the Fleas - Frederic Scrimshaw - Страница 5

Table of Contents

MEPHISTOPHELES. (Sings.)

There was a king once reigning,

Who had a big black flea—

FROSCH.

Hear, hear! A flea! D’ye rightly take the jest?

I call a flea a tidy guest.

MEPHISTOPHELES. (Sings.)

There was a king once reigning,

Who had a big black flea,

And loved him past explaining,

As his own son were he.

He called his man of stitches;

The tailor came straightway:

Here, measure the lad for breeches,

And measure his coat, I say!

BRANDER.

But mind, allow the tailor no caprices:

Enjoin upon him, as his head is dear,

To most exactly measure, sew and shear,

So that the breeches have no creases!

MEPHISTOPHELES.

In silk and velvet gleaming

He now was wholly drest—

Had a coat with ribbons streaming,

A cross upon his breast.

He had the first of stations,

A minister’s star and name;

And also all his relations,

Great lords at court became.

And the lords and ladies of honor

Were plagued, awake and in bed;

The queen she got them upon her,

The maids were bitten and bled.

And they did not dare to crush them,

Or scratch them, day or night:

We crack them and we crush them,

At once, whene’er they bite.

CHORUS, (Shouting.)

We crack them and we crush them,

At once, whene’er they bite!

FROSCH.

Bravo! Bravo! That was fine.

SIEBEL.

Every flea may it so befall.

—Goethe.

Death of Bull McMastiff.—Accession of Pup McPoodle.—His Evil Reign.—Trouble With the Dogs of Kyhidom and How it Ended.—National Debt.—A Fleas’ War and a Dogs’ Fight.—How the Victorious Dogs Became National Pets.

NOW all the inhabitants of Canisville walked righteously all the days of Bull McMastiff, and the blessing of Heaven was upon them. They kept his statutes and judgments and laid up his commandments in their hearts, and were blessed in their uprising, and their downsitting, in their going out, and in their coming in. Plenty crowned their years, and full were always their basket and their store; their bread was certain and their water sure; peace and everlasting joy were in all their borders, and want and poverty and plague were far away and unknown, save as by stories of travelers in strange and heathen lands.

But it came to pass that Bull McMastiff died and was gathered to his fathers, full of days, full of honors, and toothless, and Pup McPoodle reigned in his stead. And Pup McPoodle did evil in the sight of all the community, and walked not in the ways of Bull McMastiff. In the cussedness of his heart, he caused the whole community of dogs to turn aside from following the wise maxims and counsels of Bull McMastiff, in keeping of which they had grown fat and strong and sleek and well-to-do. He scoffed when certain good old conservative canines reminded him of McMastiff’s vigilant care of the community, and when they quoted his maxims, he barked and said “Rats.”

And the canines turned aside from following Bull McMastiff. And it came to pass that they neglected to haul up for punishment those who scratched with the hind leg; and soon it was found that many were with flea.

In those days other trouble fell on the inhabitants of Canisville; for the fleas of Kyhidom, who had ordered the dogs of Kyhidom to drive out the rebellious dogs that flew in the face of Providence, felt the loss of the driven-out dogs; and although they hated much their heretic doctrines, they hated more to lose the tribute of blood they had been accustomed to get out of them. So they sent some delegate fleas over the pond to beg of the outlawed and exiled dogs, to be good enough not to forget the fleas of their own beloved native land, but to send over at stated times a little of their blood to keep them from starving. And the delegates pleaded so hard in the names of religion, patriotism, the old country, the old ties of blood, and for old acquaintance’ sake that the exiled dogs relented and repented, and consented to bleed themselves so much a month and send the blood over in a bowl for the sustenance of the Kyhidom fleas, who were content to receive it thus, although they grumbled at the quantity which they said ought to have been at least two bowlfuls.

In process of time, however, when the fleas of Kyhidom had grown accustomed to receiving regularly the monthly bowlful, and the dogs of Canisville had become accustomed to being bled, the appetite of the fleas began to grow, and they grew fretful and began to say that the dogs over the pond were growing mean and unmindful of the duty they owed to their mother country.

So they sent over another delegation to tell the dogs of Canisville that the appetite of the fleas of Kyhidom had very much improved, and that it was very necessary unto their health that the dogs send over a double tribute of blood, and that in case of refusal the fleas would feel very much hurt in their feelings; and above all, that the refusal would be very displeasing to Gorgeous Littlehead Flea, the King of Kyhidom, who was the especial friend and protector of fleas; in fact, so dearly and devotedly did he love them that they were to him as the apples of his eyes, and any insult to them he would regard as tantamount to treason against him. But the dogs made reply that they could not conscientiously comply with the new request; that they themselves were not doing as well as formerly; that they had fleas of their own to support now, and that really, while holding the very highest regard and reverence for the fleas of their beloved old Kyhidom (having forgiven the outrage perpetrated there upon their forefathers), they hoped the fleas would kindly excuse any additional contribution, and try to rest content with the usual monthly bowlful.

Certain of the dogs, however, who were known as “Advanced,” very disrespectfully spoke up and said that this sending of blood away over the pond was all wrong; it was contrary to sound sense, and was detrimental to the interests of the community to send blood away to fleas that didn’t live in the country; that this was “Absenteeism” and absenteeism was the ruin of any country; that the first duty of dogs was to their own native fleas and not to foreigners, and that their advice was to refuse to send any more blood over the pond, and to drive the whole pesky lot of foreign fleas out of the land.

And all the native fleas cried out that that was well spoken, and displayed the true Spirit of Independence. And they violently urged all the other dogs to take up that Spirit and make a firm and decided Stand for Liberty, and refuse to send any more blood over the pond to the Kyhidom fleas, but to remember their own who were brought up with them, and were blood of their blood. And it was so that these words prevailed, and the Canisville dogs did refuse to send any more blood.

So the Kyhidom fleas went home and reported the gross insult and grievous injury they had received, which moved the whole of Kyhidom to anger; and the fleas told the dogs of the insolence and wickedness of their cousins beyond the pond; and the dogs were even more angry than the fleas, for they had been for many generations schooled and drilled by the fleas in the sound and profitable (to the fleas) doctrine that an injury to one flea is the concern of all dogs.

Therefore the dogs got on their Dignity—which was all in their hind legs—and cried aloud that the National Honor had been insulted, and the National Flag had been dirtied, and the face of Providence had been flown in, and His Majesty, King Gorgeous Littlehead Flea, had been treasoned against; and some fleas cried “Down with the Canisvillians,” which cry was taken up by the dogs, who howled “Down with the Canisvillians,” until they were hoarse, though who the Canisvillians were and where they dwelt, few of the dogs knew, and what they had done still fewer had any idea; but all knew it felt good to shout, and was, withal, well pleasing to the fleas. So they all ran and asked the fleas to lend them files to sharpen their teeth and claws with, and demanded that the fleas pick out the most valiant dogs to lead them across the pond, that they might tear out the eyes and bowels of the vile Canisville dogs, who had dared to insult and rob their dearly beloved fleas, and treason against His Superbly Serene and Supersacred Majesty, Gorgeous Littlehead Flea, by the Grace of God King of Kyhidom and defender of All Wrong and Bad Faith.

And the fleas said the conduct and high spirit of the dogs were exceedingly commendable and showed the highest Patriotism. And they gave sanction for the dogs to sharpen their teeth and claws, and to go over the pond to tear out the eyes and bowels of the Canisville dogs. The fleas, moreover, said thus unto them: “Good dogs; brave dogs; it is a grand and glorious thing to fight and die for our Hearths and Homes, as ye are about to go and do by ripping up those of the dogs beyond the water; it is meet that ye take our National Honor and our National Flag and go wash out their stains in the blood of their insulters, as your forefathers and foregrandfathers have done thousands of times before. Bear with you and ever jealously guard those sacred Junk, for it takes so very, very little to dirty them, and so very, very much blood to cleanse them. Ours is a Just Cause and will command the blessing of Heaven, which has never failed to bless the strong claws and teeth of the dogs of Kyhidom, to the discomfiture of weaker dogs. But, dear dogs, we must ALL do our duty; an occasion like the present calls for sacrifice from every one. In this solemn hour, and face to face with DUTY, let no one shirk to do his uttermost share in aid of the Common Cause. In this solemn Crisis, we cannot all go to the field; some must remain at home; but whether we go to the field or remain at home, each can nobly bear his part. We are not equally gifted; some have the teeth and the claws, and some have the Means; we need both equally; the Means without the teeth and claws, is utterly useless, the teeth and claws without the Means can do but little, but with both united and the Blessing of God, all things are possible. We have the Means and you have the teeth and claws; let us then, with an eye single to the glory of Our Common Country, join our gifts in a Common Sacrifice and lay them both on our Country’s Altar; ye shall, with your teeth and claws, go to the fight, and we will stay home and find the Means to send you and maintain you in the fight; and ye can repay us when ye come back; but if ye come not back, why then, your children, and your children’s children can repay us. We will not be hard upon you, we will Loan the Means, we will Advance it, and we will call it your DEBT which ye may owe forever and ever, provided ye or your children pay us a little for it every year.

“Then go to the war, good dogs, and the Lord be with you, and we will stay home with the Lord and Manage the country for you.”

And all the dogs gnashed their newly sharpened teeth and howled again, “Down with the Canisvillians,” “God save our Noble Fleas,” and “Long live King Gorgeous Littlehead Flea.”

But when they arrived in the land of the Canisvillians, and proceeded, with the Blessing of God, to tear out their eyes and their bowels, those Canisville dogs also showed surprisingly large teeth and dreadfully sharp and strong claws; whereupon the blessing of God did go over to their side, and they did amazingly wallop the life out of the Kyhidom dogs, insomuch that all that were not dead ran howling down to the pond and swam away home, and did no more venture to come back.

Then did the dogs of Canisville feel highly elated at having walloped the dogs of Kyhidom, and kept on barking and barking about their victory, and saying they could do it again, and they wished some of those Kyhis would come back again to be walloped. All which great joy and elation their own native fleas, being fleas of subtlety, did turn to their own profit; for they, seeing that dogs always like to be pushed in the way they want to go, ordained certain Remembrance Days to be observed through all the land, on which days the dogs should have flattering looking glasses held up to them, should be sung to and made poetry to, and orated at, and have incense burned for the gratification of their nostrils. There was “Defiance to Kyhidom Day,” and “The Awful Walloping Day,” and “Kyhi Skedaddle Day,” and “Get-Along-all-by-Ourselves Day,” and “Slain Dogs Day” and a host of other Days on which the dogs told one another and the fleas told them what grand, noble and gloriously independent dogs they were, that would never, no never, endure the tyrant on their soil, or suffer any bobtailed, measly, foreign dog to boss it over them.

And it was so that they grew so ineffably conceited and vain, by reason of eternally Remembering themselves and admiring their own features, that they quite forgot the fleas on their own backs. So the fleas had good fat times and were little disturbed; and in the inmost sanctuary of their own private gatherings they did knowingly wink the eye and say that for enabling dogs to Forget their own Rights the Remembrance Days beat all Creation.