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Introduction

Challenging but highly justified questions which have been thrown at me throughout my career, not just by interested or cynical others but by my own carping conscience. When writing a book, in particular, I have had to learn to live with this kind of unrelenting internal inquisition. But never until I took on the task of this one has ‘real life’ put me and my manuscript through so many continual testing trials.

For many years I had been wanting to write a self-help programme to help others develop the emotional skills which I had to acquire for myself in such a random ‘pot-luck’ fashion over several decades. For most of my early adult life my ‘uncontrollable’ feelings had wrought havoc on my life and health. Learning how to take control of the emotional side of me had been a crucial factor in the building of my own self-confidence, had enabled me to be the kind of person I could respect and had given me the kind of lifestyle and relationships I had always wanted.

Do you really practise what you preach? The theory’s fine but have you tried it out in real life? Everyday problems – yes, but would you and your strategies stand the test of a major trauma?

I was therefore thrilled when, in January 1996 at a brainstorming session with my editor, I finally settled on the title and plan for this book. I returned from London inspired and motivated. My brain was buzzing with exciting ideas for new strategies and exercises. A few days later, on the morning of Sunday, January 28th, I sat with my diary and began to outline my writing schedule. By 9 o’clock that same evening, however, my own emotional confidence had completely collapsed: my 19-year-old daughter Laura had been killed in a freak car accident and I was living my most dreaded nightmare.

I plunged hysterically into an uncontrollable whirlpool of intense grief and deep despair. Not only did I think I would never again recover my emotional equilibrium, I didn’t actually want to do so. When the following day I began to be taunted by an inner voice which said, ‘Now, let’s see if your fancy theories can get you through this one, then!’, I found I didn’t care. My whole life, not just my work, seemed pointless. I no longer felt the person I thought I was. I rejected comfort and was useless at comforting. I was quite unable to help even those whom I loved and who shared my pain.

But my inner voice was wrong. Eighteen months later, not only had my emotional health been repaired, I am convinced that it had also been strengthened. Furthermore, I wrote this book in spite of a number of other serious setbacks.

So it was with increased confidence in its contents that I wrote this Introduction. I am quite sure that without the knowledge and skills which I am now sharing I would not have had the strength or motivation to take up my life again in the way that I know Laura would have wanted me to do.

What Is Emotional Confidence?

This is a short-hand term which I use to describe a particular component of self-confidence. We sense it within ourselves when we know we can rely on our ability to be in full control of our feelings.

When I am working on changing some aspect of myself or my behaviour, I have always found it helpful to keep an image of an ideal role-model in my mind. Although ‘good-enough’ standards are all that are required, this imaginary, faultless figure is an inspirational and a useful measuring tool.

PORTRAIT OF A PARAGON

Should some fortunate person ever possess rock-solid, enduring emotional confidence, we would expect them to be able to:

• freely experience a full rich range of emotions from deep despair and gut anger to exhilarating joy and tender love without ever worrying that their heart will rule their head – so they would never think or say:

‘I don’t know what’s happened to me, I just feel dead inside’

‘Nothing seems to get me excited anymore’

‘I’ve lost my sense of fun’

‘I never get angry – what’s the point?’

‘I haven’t cried for years’

• be fully aware of what they are feeling at the time they are experiencing an emotion – so they would never think or say:

‘I don’t know what I feel’

‘When I left there I realized just how angry I was, I only wish that I had said …’

‘It wasn’t until she started flirting with someone else that I realized I really loved her’

‘I’d been so busy that I hadn’t noticed how lonely I was beginning to feel’

• keep their emotional responses under their own control – so they would never think or say:

‘I loved him/her too much – I couldn’t stop myself from …’

‘I just flipped – I don’t know what came over me’

‘I suddenly found myself being as jealous/envious as hell, so I couldn’t resist …’

‘I started to blush and sweat – I had to leave’

‘The tears just came – I couldn’t hold them back’

• readily and steadily fire themselves up with motivational feeling – so they would never think or say:

‘I set goals, but then I just seem to lose interest’

‘I want to change, I’m just too lazy to make the effort’

‘I just don’t care enough anymore – even though I know I ought to’ ‘I’ve lost heart’

• express their feelings at the ‘right’ time and in the ‘right’ place, and to the ‘right’ person – so they would never think or say:

‘I started to shake and I couldn’t stop – it was so embarrassing’

‘I really love her, but I always seem to choose the wrong moment to show it’

‘We were driving into work and I just flew at him – he had to slam on the brakes’

‘I was so mad at him that, when I got home, I just snapped at everyone’

• respond sensitively and sensibly to the emotional states of other people – so they would never think or say:

‘I always seem to put my big foot in it, and embarrass everyone’

‘I just didn’t notice how anxious he was – if I had, I’d have stopped pressurizing him’

‘I didn’t realize she was in such a bad mood – I ought to have known because …’

‘He looked so disappointed, I couldn’t resist – I was stupid because …’

‘She was so angry, I just clammed up even though …’

Unless after reading this you have discovered yourself to be the only paragon of emotional confidence on earth, this book was written for you!