Читать книгу Now That’s Funny - Jack Lord - Страница 11

1.

A man was building an outside fireplace and went to the lumber yard to buy some bricks.

He only needed a dozen to finish the job, but the salesman at the yard told him that when he bought a dozen they gave an extra brick. He said that was a nice idea but he didn’t need it and they could keep it.

When they put his bricks in the bundle, he paid and left the store. He stopped outside to check what he had and discovered that he had the extra brick.

He was frustrated because he didn’t know what to do with it. He went back in the office and told them he didn’t want it. They said that he could do whatever he wanted with it. They didn’t want it back.

He walked out again, stood around for a while and then simply threw it into the air as far as he could throw it and walked off saying, “I wish all my problems were that easy to get rid of.”

2.

A cross country airliner left New York.

They were not fifteen minutes out of the airport when one of the men lit up a cigar. The lady sitting next to him stood it as long as she could and then said, “Sir, if you don’t mind, I would appreciate your not smoking. It makes my eyes burn.”

He replied, “Lady I bought my ticket for the smoking section and I have my rights and intend to exercise them.” and he kept on smoking.

After a while the lady reached under her seat and brought out her cat which had been in a box there. In a few minutes the man began to sneeze.

He turned to her and said, “Lady, please put that cat somewhere else on the plane. I’m allergic to cats.”

She answered, “Oh? Well, that’s too bad. I enjoy my cat’s company.”

He kept sneezing and she kept wiping her eyes. Finally, he said, “All right, lady, if you’ll get rid of that cat I’ll get rid of my cigar.”

She agreed and they went to the door of the airplane. He opened the door and she threw out her cat and he threw out his cigar.

They went back to their seats and finished their flight. When they landed in Chicago, she was still grieving about losing her cat.————-

But, as she departed from the plane, she heard a meow and looked over at the wing and saw her cat hanging on to it!

And what do you suppose was in the mouth of the cat?????????

No, not a cigar—————————————It was the brick the man threw up in the air!!!!

3.

Two carpenters were working on a roof. One of them missed the nail and began to slip. He kept sliding until he went over the side, but grabbed the edge with the claw on his hammer and struggled to hold on.

While he was sliding, however, he had hit the other one who started sliding and went over the edge, also. The second one grabbed the leg of the first and hung on.

They hollered and hollered for help. Several minutes passed and they were getting tired.

Finally, the first carpenter looked down at the second and said, “Hey, let go of my leg.”

The second answered, “Unh, uh.”

The first demanded, “I said, let go of my leg.”

The other answered, “Unh, uh.”

The first one hollered, “If you don’t let go of my leg, I’m going to hit you over the head with this hammer!”

4.

Two men were building a house. One of them would pull a nail from his apron, look at it and nail it in——or throw it away. He had a big stack of nails that he had thrown away when the other man came over and asked, “What’s this big stack of nails over here for?”

“Oh,” he answered, “Those are the ones I’ve thrown away.”

“How come?” He answered, “Because the head’s on the wrong end.”

“Well, that’s dumb,” said the other.

“Why?”

“Because they’re for the other side of the house.”

5.

An Italian came to the United States, became a citizen and was so prosperous that he decided to build a mansion. He hired an architect and construction crew and the work began.

After months of work the architect said that the building was ready and he could come over and inspect it.

The owner was thrilled with what he saw. The architect asked if there was anything else that he could think of that he needed.”

“Onlya one thing,” he said, “I don’ta see my Halo Statue.”

“Your what?”

“My Halo Statue. I wouldn’ta want a house without that.”

“I don’t understand,” said the architect, “What’s a Halo Statue?”

“It’sa one of those things that rings and you put it upa by your ear and say, ……………‘Heylo,—- stat—ue?’”