Читать книгу Now That’s Funny - Jack Lord - Страница 5

1.

Joe lived in an apartment and had a Grandfather clock. It was a treasure which he had owned for years. One day it stopped working and he wanted to get it to the repair shop before it closed but there was nobody around to help.

After much effort he was able to pick it up and balance it on his back. Then he struggled out the door and down the stairs. Stepping out the front door he wobbled across the lawn. It was impossible to turn his head to see either way as he moved towards his car. A guy who was jogging came dashing over the lawn and ran into him. He hit the ground and the clock fell and broke into a hundred pieces.

Joe shouted.! “With that clock on my back I couldn’t see you coming! Why didn’t you watch out where you were going?”

“I did! I did! But why don’t you wear your clock on your wrist like everybody else?”

2.

Two guys were riding a motorcycle on a cold day. The one in back was freezing and he shouted to the driver, “Stop!” So the driver pulled over.

“I’m freezing back here,” he said.

“Well, said the driver, “Turn your jacket around and I’ll zip it up the back and the cold air won’t come in.”

“Good idea,” he answered and pulled off his jacket, turned it around and the driver zipped it up.

They climbed back on the motorcycle and went speeding down the road. The passenger hollered, “That’s a lot better.”

They hadn’t gone very far when they rounded a curve, hit a slab of ice, went spinning off the road and hit a tree.

A crowd gathered. Police arrived and finally an ambulance pulled up. The medic ran over to the rookie policeman and asked, “What happened?”

With excitement the policeman answered, “It was horrible, just horrible—————When I got here one of them was already dead———————— and by the time I got the other one’s head straightened around———- he was dead too!”

3.

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing my wife adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5” long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. So I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the fun of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

WOW!!!! WOW!!!!

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!!

I’m sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the floor.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to test yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

* My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

* My triceps, and right thigh were still twitching.

* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

* I had no control over the drooling.

* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

PS: I gave it to my wife and she can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!