Читать книгу Jelleyman’s Thrown a Wobbly: Saturday Afternoons in Front of the Telly - Jeff Stelling - Страница 13

A goal at Selhurst Park.

Another red card for Robbie Savage.

News of a goal at Gillingham.

A flurry of bookings in the game between City and Spurs.

Is that a penalty at Celtic?

Panic over, no goal at Gillingham.

But there is one at Fratton Park. Can we cut to Chris Kamara for a report?

A shout from Paul Merson in the studio.

Matt Le Tissier texting his friend from behind the desk.

Goal at Anfield!

‘And we're going to Portsmouth, where there's been an early goal: Chris Kamara …’

‘Unbelievable, Jeff!’

Welcome to approximately seven live seconds in the world of Soccer Saturday. From the moment the first whistles ring out around the country, the show takes on an element of adrenalized chaos: at times, goals and cards can trickle in at a snail's pace. At others, the action can come in thick and fast. There really is no way of telling.

It's at this stage that the studio takes on an unusual atmosphere. We have three cameramen in front of us and an office where our producer, Ian Condron, and his assistants keep an eye on the scores. It's their job to decide where the show should go in terms of match reports and updates. It's my job at this stage to watch the scores as they come in and update the viewer, while linking the show to match reports, both in and out of the studio.

From here, you never really know how the show is going to pan out. The only guarantee is that it will be bloody exciting. Sometimes, there are moments of intense action when I'll think, ‘For god's sake, please don't let anyone score for a few minutes,’ just so I can catch up with the scores, scorers and events that are going on in approximately 75 games across the country. Then there are other times when I'll be sitting there wondering if the videprinter is actually working because absolutely nothing has happened for the best part of five minutes. These moments of prolonged calm are the ones I dread the most. You can chat with panellists to pass the time and kill any dead air between goal reports, but it's really a case of keeping the show ticking over in order to maintain the viewer's interest.

Suddenly, there will be a flurry of action: goals, penalty appeals, bookings … In the back of the mind you know that at any second you could have to deal with 20 goals in two frantic minutes, not to mention a blur of yellow cards and sendings-off (especially if Rob Styles is reffing any of the games that afternoon). This is also the moment when the panel begins its afternoon chorus of yells, squeals and general shouting, which creates a real sense of drama as they watch their games. There's nothing like watching Paul Merson grunting and groaning his way through a Portsmouth match.

Believe it or not, in the early days of the show, panellists were told that they shouldn't be shouting out at all, and even now they're not encouraged to make all that noise, but it just happens naturally, mainly because they become so engrossed in their games. I think it really adds to the atmosphere and sense of occasion for the viewer. There you are, viewer, on your sofa, sandwich or scotch egg in hand, and you'll hear a shout off camera. If it's from one of the panellists commentating on your team, then it can make for a heart-racing moment, especially if the goal has gone your way.

I think Rodney Marsh first brought that sense of excitement and drama to the show, simply by shouting. But then Rodney would shout about just about everything – even if somebody had won a throw-in. At first it was all part of his act, and there was a feeling that he would do it for effect sometimes, but over the course of the last 10 years, it's become one of the show's trademarks.

Meanwhile, my eyes at this stage of the programme are focused almost completely on the videprinter which displays the latest scores and scorers as they happen. This is the most important tool I have at my disposal, because it's my link to the outside world. I've also got a little box on my desk which plays eight different live channels, or games, so I can flick to different matches - if I see or hear that something is happening four seats away in Charlie's chair, then I can flick to TV number four and check on what he's watching. From there, I can instantly see which team is celebrating, who has scored the goal, who has made the mistake that has led to a penalty, and why the ref is incorrectly booking somebody, and so on. It puts me in a position where I can also add comments to the situation if needed. I might get to see a replay of something, but generally I haven't got time to do that and I'll try to get to the relevant commentator as quickly as I can. Everything flies by in a blur.