Читать книгу Jelleyman’s Thrown a Wobbly: Saturday Afternoons in Front of the Telly - Jeff Stelling - Страница 15

This is the point where everybody on the show goes out and gets a sandwich and a cup of tea. Sadly, I have to sit there and read out the scores, which can be infuriating, as Matt Le Tissier scoffs more than his fair share of crisps and chocolate – there's never anything for me to eat once he's finished. It's also a worrying time for me, as the half-time break presents the perfect opportunity for Charlie Nicholas to ‘redecorate’ my car.

This prank started a few seasons ago. While I was dealing with the half-time scores, Charlie decided to wander into the car park to find my beautiful motor (please pretend along with me) before decorating the exterior with leaves, branches and litter bins. There were also one or two road signs and ‘Men At Work’ notices positioned on the bonnet. This soon became a ritual. Out of consideration for my paintwork, I started to move my car from its regular spot, but Charlie would seek it out and wreak his usual havoc no matter where I parked it. I even went as far as parking it a quarter of a mile up the road, but Charlie would still, somehow, get to his target. Shame he wasn't so proficient when he was playing up front for the Gunners.

Anyway, things got so bad that I had to park in the Tesco's car park, which was located over the road from the Sky Sports studios. On that occasion, Charlie came back after half-time with a face like thunder.

‘Where the fuck is it?’ he bellowed.

I had a quiet laugh to myself. ‘You'll never know, mate, you'll never know.’

He's stopped doing it now, but for a while it became a weekly ritual, much to my despair. It's a terrible feeling knowing that somewhere out in the streets of Middlesex, your newly polished car is being covered in crap, especially when you're reading the scores from Scotland's Second Division.

These pranks might seem somewhat immature to our more sensible viewers, but I guess it's an indication of what life must have been like in the dressing room for a lot of footballers. If his current sense of humour is anything to go by, though, Charlie must have been a right bugger when he was a player. Thank god he didn't play for Wimbledon - I would probably have had my eyebrows shaved by now.