Читать книгу Healing Your Hungry Heart - Joanna Poppink - Страница 21

1 I think more clearly.

2 I have more physical energy.

3 I menstruate on a regular basis.

4 My teeth and gums are healthy.

5 My heart and digestive system function with less stress.

As you recover you will experience unexpected joy as your body reveals to you the benefits of living in health. Your physical symptoms come from malnutrition, excessive exercise, sleep deprivation, and lack of basic self-care plus the stress of maintaining your eating disorder. When this stress ends in recovery, you will find yourself more at ease with other people and in your own skin.

These may sound like false promises to you. Living with an eating disorder, you are accustomed to false promises. But, in time, you'll discover these benefits for yourself.

In the present, as you read these pages, your eating disordered mind asks, “What will people think if I don't have my eating disorder, and they see me for what and who I am? With that thought, the fears and fantasies that power your eating disorder rise up in a torrent of self-condemnations: “I am unlovable, ugly, stupid, boring, incompetent, inadequate, and unacceptable in all ways. Don't try to trick me with health. Health means being fat.”

You may be shaking your head at this and asking “How can I know that these harsh judgments are not true?” I know they are untrue because you have an eating disorder, and I also had one.

Look at what you've been doing to figure out and carry out the necessary activities for getting your binge foods, keeping your activities secret, having a private place to act out, gathering the financial resources to get your supplies, and creating appropriate and convincing lies when necessary. These are skills and talents that, unfortunately, you use against yourself. However, they are your natural resources, and you can use them for something else once you no longer need your eating disorder. That's how I know.

Let your wise voice support you as you twist and turn your way through these fears. They are barriers that will keep you stuck in your eating disorder. It's time to come out and become the healthy, vibrant woman you are meant to be.

You will find exercises and activities in Appendix B that will help you confront and eradicate the false and harsh criticisms you have for yourself.

I remember visiting my friend Ingeborg one afternoon. She was in her late seventies. Ingeborg was a modest woman with a brilliant and tenacious mind. She translated psychology textbooks from English into Swedish. She was also a gourmet cook, and she created a warm and loving home not only for her family but for those of us fortunate enough to be invited in. I knew she practiced yoga every morning with a program on television and had been doing so for many years. She didn't talk about her yoga just as she didn't talk about her many considerable achievements.

On this particular visit, I watched her preparing our meal. This was always a pleasure. I saw her move rapidly along the side of the kitchen counter holding a heavy bowl and spatula. A low cupboard door was open, and she gracefully extended her left foot to close the door without spilling anything from the bowl or losing momentum on her way to the stove. It was an elegant and highly functional move.

I said, “Ah. I see your yoga.” She didn't understand me at first, because the move was so natural and spontaneous to her. Yet she did agree that without a daily yoga practice she might not have been able to do it.

The exercises and activities in this book are like her yoga. As you practice, your way of thinking, perceiving, and experiencing the world will deepen and expand. You will naturally respond to your challenges in a more graceful and productive way.

I offer you a new exercise—backtracking—to do at least once a week in addition to breathing, affirmations, and journaling. Backtracking stretches your mind and awareness. It's also helpful in grounding yourself when you need to make a decision.