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ОглавлениеHow do I know if my child is being bullied?
Many children are reluctant to confide in their families when they have been the victim of bullies for various reasons: perhaps they don’t want to disappoint parents; they are embarrassed and ashamed; they don’t want their parents barging in, potentially making matters worse; or perhaps they haven’t actually accepted the situation themselves. It is crucial that parents look out for signs that bullying may be taking place. Different types of bullying have different key signs (for example, if your daughter is suddenly phobic of or obsessed by her mobile telephone, cyber-bullying could be at the root of the problem). Generally, however, look out for the following:
Reluctant to go to school.
Complains of feeling sick; frequently visits the infirmary or nurse at school.
Sudden drop in grades.
Comes home hungry (because bullies have stolen lunch or lunch money).
Frequently arrives home with clothing or possessions destroyed or missing.
Experiences nightmares, bedwetting, sleeping difficulties.
Acts afraid of meeting new people, trying new things or exploring new places.
Refuses to leave the house.
Waits to get home to use the toilet.
Acts nervous when another child approaches.
Shows increased anger or resentment with no obvious cause.
Makes remarks about feeling lonely.
Has difficulty making friends.
Reluctant to defend himself when teased or criticised by others.
Shows a dramatic change in style of dress.
Has physical marks – bruises or cuts – which may have been inflicted by others or by himself.
What are the early warning signs for each age?
Primary school
Regressive behaviour, such as thumb-sucking, talking in a baby voice, clinginess, temper tantrums or bedwetting.
Leaves school with torn or disordered clothing and/or damaged books.
Has bruises, injuries, cuts and scratches that are not easily explained.
Says they ‘hate’ a particular person, but won’t elaborate on why.
Fewer play-dates or invitations.
Embarrassment about things, such as clothing, appearance or material possessions, which have never been a feature before.
Uses words that are age-inappropriate, and often with intent to hurt.
Becomes more violent against siblings, parents or friends, without real reason.
Secondary school
Does not bring classmates or peers home after school and seldom spends time in the homes of classmates.
May not have a single good friend to share free time with (play, shopping, sports and musical events, chatting on the phone).
Is seldom or never invited to parties and may not be interested in arranging parties (because he or she expects that nobody wants to come).
Does not participate in extracurricular activities such as school clubs.
Chooses an illogical route for going to and from school.
Loses interest in school work.
Appears unhappy, sad, depressed or shows unexpected mood shifts with irritability and sudden outbursts of temper.
Requests or steals extra money from family (to accommodate the demands of bullies).
Becomes obsessed with a mobile phone and reluctant to explain persistent calls or texts.
Becomes increasingly sensitive about or obsessed with physical features, weight, clothing, etc.
Begins to bully other family members for no obvious reason.
Becomes highly critical of activities and people she used to enjoy.
How do I know if my child is bullying others?
Most parents are horrified to discover that their child is bullying others, and can actively avoid acknowledging the signs. It’s important to be honest with yourself. Any of the following may suggest that your child is involved in bullying behaviour:
Your child is accused of bullying at school or elsewhere.
Has been in trouble for fighting (physical or emotional/verbal fighting is equally relevant).
Has an excuse or ‘reason’ for any reports of bullying such as: denial, playing it down – ‘I was just messing around’; blame – ‘he started it’; or defence – ‘he was looking for trouble’; or ‘he went completely mad on us’.
Turns the tables and says that someone else has been bullying her, when there is clear evidence to the contrary.
Relies on the evidence of his friends or other witnesses to defend him. In other words, could it be that his henchmen are doing their job.
Seems to have more money than he should.
Comes home with items that do not belong to her.
Claims she doesn’t need a lunch because she’ll ‘get something at school’.
Is quick to anger and bullies younger siblings.
Is secretive about mobile phone and computer use.
At what age do children grow out of bullying?
The good news is that bullying does appear to decline as children get older; however, some experts are concerned that it merely changes shape rather than disappears entirely. And many of these changed forms of bullying are unreported – the older the child, the more embarrassing the problem and hence it is less likely to be reported. Bullies have average social popularity up to about fourteen or fifteen years old. In fact, some children even look up to bullies in some ways because they are powerful and do what they want to, or have to, to get their way with peers. However, by late adolescence, the bully’s popularity begins to wane. By secondary school, if a bully is still attending school, his or her peer group includes other bullies, or more seriously, he or she has developed or is developing gang alliances.
Studies show that victimisation decreases across year levels: 26 per cent of children in the early primary years report bullying compared to 15 per cent of children in the later years of primary school. At ages eleven to twelve about 12 per cent of children appear to be bullied. Children in lower years are more likely to be victims of older bullies, whereas children in higher years are more likely to be victims of same-age bullies. Younger students experience more direct bullying (name-calling, violence), whereas older students experience more indirect bullying (social exclusion, for example).
By late secondary school, regular bullying incidents are often a thing of the past, but all victims know who the bullies are, and avoid them. By around sixteen or seventeen, bullies and victims are usually moving in different directions in terms of curricular interests in school, therefore their paths rarely cross. Social groupings are clearly defined by this time in a student’s life and invisible boundaries have been drawn.
Not surprisingly, in secondary school, bullying behaviour most frequently involves teasing and social exclusion, but may also include physical violence, threats, theft, sexual and racial harassment, public humiliation and destruction of the targeted student’s property. Bullying behaviour in primary years is more likely to involve physical aggression, but is also characterised by teasing, intimidation and social exclusion.
Can I go over my child’s head to address the problem with her school?
It’s always a good idea to involve your child – firstly because if she has been victimised in the past, she may already be feeling powerless. If you step in and ‘take over’ you are compounding this feeling. In reality, she needs to learn to stand up for herself and to deal with the problems she is experiencing. It’s a good idea to speak frankly with your child, showing support for how she is feeling, and asking her to keep a log of incidents, including times and witnesses, in order to support her case. Make sure she understands that ‘telling’ isn’t ‘snitching’ or being cowardly, and that it can help to protect other children from bullies. Offer to help her to report the incidents, and to become involved at whatever level she feels comfortable. All schools must have an anti-bullying policy and a procedure for reporting. Your daughter should have a first port of call, and she should be aware of what this is. If she gets nowhere, you can then help her to take the problem to the school head, supporting her efforts. If she refuses to do anything and you fear for her health, safety or well-being, then you have a duty of care to go above her head, but tell her that you are doing so and why.
Can I condone violence as retribution for bullying or in self-defence?
No, encouraging violence only feeds violent behaviour, which is exactly what you are trying to protect your child from in the first place. All children need to deal with problems in a non-violent way – they can’t, for example, lash out at their boss or a neighbour in later life when they feel bullied or threatened. They must learn to problem-solve effectively, and violence has no part in this. Having said that, children who are regularly bullied may find some confidence in the belief that they can protect themselves through self-defence training. The idea is not that it will be used in a violent way – and certainly not without provocation – but knowing that he can protect himself will make a child less likely to take on victim status, that is, appear to be a good target.
What can I do about my child being bullied?
One of the greatest preventative measures that you can undertake is to give your child the tools and skills to deal with bullying situations when they arise. You may have a child who has never been bullied, and has only been affected as a witness. But regardless of their status, all children need to know how to deal with bullies, as the problem is so pervasive, everyone is bound to be affected at some stage of their lives. So apart from working on self-respect, resilience and your home life, as well as encouraging social skills, problem-solving and friendships, your child will need to know how to deal with bullies practically.
What can I teach my child to help with bullying?
Learn to control your anger. No child will fail to become upset and angry when they are victimised, but responding is exactly what a bully wants and expects. If you become cool and calm, failing to rise to the bait, the bully has effectively lost, because he cannot ‘control’ you or your emotions.
Never use physical force, no matter how often or directly it has been used against you. A bully is a dangerous commodity and you may end up in serious trouble or physical threat. What’s more, violence is an ‘anger’ response, and once again, it’s important never to show anger.
Stand up tall, act brave even when you don’t feel it and walk away. Ignoring a bully is a difficult feat, particularly when they push all the buttons to upset you; it may also anger a bully to the point of fury, because they fail to get a response. But if you walk away with your head held high, you are sending the message that you won’t be intimidated.
It sounds crazy, but try to make the bully your friend. This technique will obviously work better for younger kids (and parents take note: if your child is being bullied by one person, invite him round to play, but keep close supervision).
If you want to talk back, keep your voice level and calm and look the bully right in the eye when you speak. Use ‘I’ statements, which are indisputable: ‘I want you to stop that right now.’ Or ‘I do not like being treated that way.’ Don’t wait for a response. Walk away and ignore further efforts to hurt you.
Employ some humour. Sometimes the best way to diffuse an upsetting or dangerous situation is to be funny. Not only will it be something the bully isn’t expecting, but it will help you to look clever and in control and unconcerned. So make a joke about something irrelevant.
Always tell an adult. Many victims are terrified of confiding for fear of being ignored, belittled or even blamed. There is a certain loss of face and pride that accompanies being bullied. But no child should have to deal with bullies on his own, and keeping quiet will not ease the situation. In fact, if the bully finds he can get away with it, he’ll likely continue the behaviour. The message, again, is, tell an adult, someone you trust, whether it is a parent, a teacher or someone on lunchroom duty. It’s not telling tales to protect yourself (and possibly others) from dangerous children.
Don’t keep quiet. Dealing with bullying alone can be soul-destroying and undermine all of your confidence. Choose a teacher, a friend, a sibling or counsellor, anyone who can give you the support you need. There is no shame in being bullied. It is never your fault.
Always support your peers against bullying. You may be relieved that it’s not you who has been targeted and simply want to keep your head down, but if children support one another, bullying will be eradicated. No doubt about it. A bully wants to feel recognised and powerful, particularly in front of his peers. If those peers stand up to him and say: ‘Hey, that’s not fair’ or ‘I don’t like what you are doing.’ or even just leave him alone, he loses his audience and his adulation.
Create a buddy system, which involves choosing one or more friends to accompany you in areas where bullying is likely to occur – on the way to school, in the lunchroom or the washrooms, in the playground or even at the bus-stop, and offer the same in return. Bullies are less likely to target kids who are in a group.
Consider some self-defence training or taking up a martial art. Though you will not ever want to respond with violence, knowing that you can protect yourself will make you more confident. And a confident child is less likely to become a bully’s target.
Avoid isolated places whenever possible.
Don’t automatically comply with a bully’s requests (for money or anything else). If you give in, you’ll set yourself up for the situation to recur. Better to walk (or even run) away.
Keep a detailed record or diary of any bullying that occurs. If a time comes when you need to report the incidents, you will have all of the key facts to hand.
Try not to cry. Although many types of bullying can be enormously painful, including name-calling and social exclusion, all bullies want a reaction, and if you give them one they will continue. Stay calm and ignore them while maintaining a confident body language. Anxiety or distress will feed the bully’s need for power.
Remember that choosing a different route to school or avoiding bullies in the halls or the playground is only a short-term measure. If they want to get you, they will. What you need to do is to work on being more confident, making supportive friends and finding ways to deal with the bullies themselves.
What should I do if my child is a bully?
If you have reason to believe that your child has been bullying others, going in with the sledge-hammer approach will only raise his hackles and encourage further and even more elaborate defences and lies. Many children feel guilty about bullying; others have a defence facility that allows them to either justify it or subconsciously deny it. Some children know instinctively that you will not react well to hearing the truth about their actions and will use every ploy imaginable to ensure that you never find out; still others will be as subversive as they are at school and play the innocent because they genuinely believe that they are blameless. Whatever the case, tread lightly. If you show immediate anger or disapproval, you will never get anywhere and will lose the opportunity both to right the wrong and to prevent the behaviour from recurring. Moreover, you will lose the opportunity to teach a lesson presenting the empathetic and moral standpoint, explaining and reassuring, and, most importantly, of working out the factors that have caused your child to behave the way he has.
Are there strategies for dealing with bullying?
Experts recommend that parents and teachers take a hard-line approach to childhood aggression. Adults must make it clear that aggressive behaviour in school, in the neighbourhood or at home is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. Children should be encouraged to report aggression and threats. Parents and school staff must deal with these incidents seriously. When aggression is tolerated, everyone loses – the bullies, the victims and the bystanders. They are all learning that violence is acceptable and this is not the lesson we want to teach our children.
Be sure to express strong disapproval of bullying when it occurs or comes up in conversation. Be sure students know that you don’t condone any kind of harassment or mistreatment of others, whether it be teasing, social exclusion or physical violence. Teachers should, as much as possible, reassure students that the classroom is a safe and supportive place.
Avoid physical forms of discipline. Hitting children when they misbehave simply reinforces the belief that ‘might makes right’ and that violence and intimidation are appropriate ways to get what you want. Whenever possible, model non-violent means of resolving conflicts (see page).
Parents AND teachers would benefit by keeping a log of bullying incidents, including who was involved, when it occurred, how often and what strategies were used to address it. Over time, this log will help to identify any patterns in bullying behaviour, as well as what kind of interventions worked best to stop it. Teachers may discover that more bullying takes place around exam time, when the students are stressed or when they haven’t had any physical outlet for a week; they may discover the same culprit stirring things up over and over again. Parents will have to rely on the honesty of a child as well as the support of the school in order to complete a log with any success, but it can help you to keep tabs on your child’s behaviour, work out when he’s most difficult, what the catalysts might be and which methods of dealing with the problem at home are actually having some effect.
Make sure your discipline system in the home is consistent, with praise and reinforcement for good behaviour, and fair penalties (never violent) for violation.
Build on your child’s talents and help him or her develop less aggressive and more appropriate reaction behaviours.
Maintain contact with your child’s school. Support the school’s efforts to modify your child’s behaviour. Enlist help from the school to try and modify your child’s behaviour.
Although certainly not all bullying stems from family problems, it’s a good idea to examine the behaviour and personal interactions your child witnesses at home. If your child lives with taunting or name-calling from a sibling or from you or another parent, it could be prompting aggressive or hurtful behaviour outside the home. What may seem like innocent teasing at home may actually model bullying behaviours. Children who are on the receiving end of it learn that bullying can translate into control over children they perceive as weak.
Constant teasing – whether it’s at home or at school – can also affect a child’s self-esteem. Children with low self-esteem can grow to feel emotionally insecure. They can also end up blaming others for their own shortcomings. Making others feel bad (bullying) can give them a sense of power.
Emphasise that bullying is a serious problem. Make sure your child understands you will not tolerate bullying and that bullying others will have consequences at home. For example, if your child is cyber-bullying, take away the technologies he or she is using to torment others (computer, mobile phone). Or instruct your child to use the internet to research bullying and note strategies to reduce the behaviour. Other examples of disciplinary action include restricting your child’s curfew if the bullying and/or teasing occur outside of the home; taking away privileges, but allowing the opportunity to earn them back; and requiring your child to do volunteer work to help those less fortunate.
Teach your child to treat people who are different with respect and kindness. Teach your child to celebrate and understand differences such as race, religion, appearance, special needs, class, sexuality. Every child needs to learn that all people have rights and feelings. Teach a little history – show how oppression has affected countries around the world (parts of Africa, for example) and how intolerance has led to wars and horrific crimes against humanity (the Holocaust, for example). Sometimes children need to learn that intolerance and disrespect have very serious consequences.
Find out if your child’s friends are also bullying. If so, seek a group intervention through your child’s school.
Observe your child interacting with others and praise appropriate behaviour. Positive reinforcement is more powerful than negative discipline.
Be prepared to talk to your child’s school about how it can help your child to modify his behaviour. The school may have some excellent ideas that are in line with its anti-bullying policy, which will be backed up by other pupils and staff members.
It can be very upsetting to have to admit that your child is a bully, but if you show humility and a willingness to set things right – perhaps by explaining problems your child may have experienced outside the school gates that may have contributed to his attitude and behaviour – you are likely to receive the support you need. Keep in touch with the school so that you can monitor and report, and it can do the same.
Bullying expert Tim Field thinks that, ‘School environments tend to be one of “exclusion” rather than “inclusion”. Children are left to form their own groups, or gangs, and you are either “in” or “out”. I believe children should be taught at the outset to show dignity and respect to other children regardless of whether they are “in” or “out”, and to be proactive in their relationships to other children, especially those who “do not fit in”, for whatever reason.’
Remember to keep your cool. If you become angry, you will get nowhere, either with your child or the school. Your child will not confide in you and you’ll never come to terms with the causative factors without appropriate communication. Show patience and unconditional love at all times; make it clear that you still love your child, even though his behaviour is not loveable.
Bear in mind that your child is very likely to deny any wrong doing, and/or minimise his involvement. It’s a natural reaction and you will need to be patient and persistent to get past this.
If your child has been involved in extortion, ask yourself some questions about his material status – if he doesn’t have anything that his peers have, he may be stealing to keep up with the crowd; if he doesn’t have a lunch made for him or any lunch money offered, he may be hungry and angry about his position and take it out on others. If he doesn’t have an appropriate amount of pocket money for his age and is therefore unable to keep up with normal social requirements, he may resort to stealing. Be realistic, and ask some questions of your child and the parents of your child’s peers.
Increase your supervision of your child’s activities and whereabouts, and with whom they are associating. Spend time with your child and set reasonable rules for their activities and curfews.
If your child is viewing violent television shows, including cartoons, and is playing violent video games, this will increase violent and aggressive behaviour. Change the family and child’s viewing and play patterns to non-violent ones.
Make sure that your child is not seeing violence between members of his or her family. Modelling of aggressive behaviour at home can lead to violence by the child against others at school and in later life.
About one per cent of all bullies have a serious sadistic nature, in that they enjoy the pain of others. Such children tend to be rather unfeeling when they bully and are not anxious nor is their self-esteem low. Such children often have serious problems with criminal behaviour later and can become quite abusive. If you think your child may have sociopathic tendencies, ask your GP to refer you for counselling. He may genuinely need help.
Parents may inadvertently support bullying by accepting it as just a normal part of growing up and leaving children to solve their own problems. Don’t make that mistake. Bullying is wrong; this message needs to be repeated and reinforced in your home, and guidance needs to be offered at all stages and ages.
Find out exactly what it is that your child has been doing. What has your child been accused of doing? What does he admit to doing?
Ensure appropriate adult supervision at all times. Be aware of your child’s involvement in activities inside and outside of school. Make certain that adequate adult supervision is present in every situation.
Report any incidents of bullying behaviours to school officials, even if your child is the one engaging in those behaviours. This will teach your child that he or she is accountable for his or her behaviour. Engage school officials’ help in monitoring and addressing these behaviours. This will show your child that you will not tolerate such behaviour and that you want to help your child avoid it.
You need to give them some feedback, make them accountable for their behaviour and help them accept responsibility for it. You will need to raise their understanding of how they made it happen and enable them to look at the impact of their behaviour. Help them plan not to do it again, identify the situations to avoid and suggest alternatives to bullying.
Try to avoid threats and warnings which will shut your child up. You need to get cooperation without building resentment. Concentrate on passing on responsibility not blame, focus on the behaviour not the child, solutions rather than problems. Don’t bully your child.
Make it very clear that it is OK to stick up for yourself, but that bullying is not acceptable.
Assess what your child does and what he gets from it; what need is the bullying fulfilling in his life?
Try very hard to see your child’s point of view. It may be a complete anathema to side with a bully, but you need to understand in order to get anywhere. There may be genuine reasons for his behaviour.
Encourage your child to see the victim’s point of view, and to try to make up for his behaviour in some way. Ask him to think of a way he can make amends to the victim, perhaps by apologising. Perhaps if the victim is timid and shy he can befriend that child and be protective towards him or her.
Look at yourself, too. Make sure that you never, ever blame a bullied child or show any type of bullying behaviour yourself (such as using sarcasm, joining in with teasing or name-calling as a joke). Avoid having favourites within your family unit, and do not embarrass or humiliate your child in front of others. Most importantly, perhaps, have a reasonable and rational approach to the problem – don’t ever tell your kids not to tell tales or not to get involved. All kids face bullying today, whether as bully, victim or bystander, and they need to know that they have rights and the ability to get some help.
Offer to talk to the victim’s parents and to school staff, if the bullying has been happening at school. But do not defend him. Even if he was not the ringleader, the fault is still his. If you do determine that your child is using controlling, aggressive behaviour, experts agree that the responsibility lies first with you to teach your child non-coercive ways to negotiate.
Maintaining a set family communication time – usually dinner time – is critical, Marsh says. Deliberately pose a question to the aggressive child or all the children in the family, and then give each one an opportunity to respond without interruption and without judgement. ‘This is much better than dealing with this problem by jumping on the kid and saying, “What did you do today? That was terrible! You should know better! We’ve taught you for years”.’
If your child is very young, read aloud books about bullies. Let him or her take care of a pet. Invite other children over to your house and monitor them. Let them play in a non-competitive way.
Enrol an older child into groups that encourage cooperation and friendship, such as social groups or Scouts. Have him or her volunteer to learn the joy of helping others.
Remember: you are not alone. Other parents have had this problem and fixed it. One parent said the best thing that ever happened in their son’s life was when he changed from being a bully into a compassionate human being.
