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Clothes

When should children be responsible for buying their own clothes?

It’s a good idea to start young in terms of clothing purchases and to up the expectations slowly. First of all, if your child has trouble (like most children) sorting out the difference between ‘wants’ and ‘needs’, you can, early on, suggest that you will purchase the necessities (underwear, one or two serviceable pairs of shoes and basic required clothing for school and/or sports). If he claims he ‘needs’ something above and beyond the obvious necessities, you can suggest either that he saves or works to pay for it himself, or that you will go half-and-half. This soon sorts out what is important, as he’s not going to pay up for something whimsical.

What about a clothing allowance?

In terms of having full control over clothing purchases, many parents give a clothing allowance from the age of about fourteen or fifteen. Parents still may purchase agreed necessities for school or sports, but everything else remains the child’s responsibility. This teaches a number of lessons, such as budgeting and shopping for value. If your child blows her entire allowance on one item, she’ll learn the hard way that she won’t have money for other things she needs, including necessities. She will also have to learn to weigh up what she really needs – whether she wants three pairs of bargain jeans (lots of clothes) or one quite nice pair. Furthermore, if your child knows there is only so much to spend on clothes, she’ll learn to hunt out bargains and become a more effective shopper.

That doesn’t mean you have to leave your child floundering in the dark about shopping once he or she has been given this responsibility. Offer guidance wherever possible, without being overly critical. You may not particularly like what your child has purchased with his or her money, but as long as it falls within the boundaries of decency, you may just have to accept it as a means of self-expression. Talk to your child about his or her purchases – is it good quality? Did he or she spend too much? Is it good value for money? Offer guidance without criticism.

How should I help my child learn to shop effectively?

Encourage your child to try on clothing in his wardrobe before hitting the shops. Many kids forget about clothes buried at the back and replace them with almost identical items. Help him to make a list, so that he is aware of how far his money needs to stretch.

Consider giving a clothing allowance on a seasonal basis, rather than monthly, so that he is encouraged to assess what he needs for different temperatures and activities.

Try to be patient with mistakes – we’ve all bought something unsuitable and it’s the only way to learn.

Consider paying for, or at least splitting the cost of, larger items, such as coats or shoes, as these expensive purchases can wipe out a budget in one fell swoop.

What is a reasonable clothing allowance to give my child?

There is only one way to work this out. Sit down with your child and discuss what he or she needs for school, social activities, sports and anything else. Your interpretation of needs will undoubtedly vary considerably from your child’s, so bear this in mind! Work out what you think you should pay for as a matter of course. The most important consideration, however, is your family budget. You can only give what you can afford. If you bargain-hunt for your children’s clothing and purchase things in lower-priced venues, a clothing allowance should not be seen as a free ticket to designer ranges. Like you, your child will need to work within a budget, regardless of what his friends are given or get. Work out what you would normally spend, and use that as the basis for an agreement. You might want to add in a little extra so that he or she can afford the odd ‘treat’. Ultimately, however, if your child wants more expensive clothing, outside your budget, he or she will have to find the means by which to earn some money.

The good news is that it is perfectly possible to get good-quality clothing at reasonable prices, if your child is prepared to invest the time in shopping sensibly. If he blows it all on a shirt from Prada, he can wear his old trainers and jeans for the rest of the season.

‘You’re not going out wearing that!’ What if I don’t think my child is suitably dressed?

It is not advisable to engage in clothing style wars. Children use clothing to present themselves to the world, to express their tastes and interests, to show their individuality. While you may not approve of various elements of the way he or she dresses, if it isn’t completely unsuitable, it is better if you stay mum. Kids make fashion mistakes just like adults do, and we need to allow them the freedom to do so. If you come down hard on your child’s personal style, he’ll be more likely to dig in his heels, and perhaps wear something even more outlandish next time, just to test the boundaries and your shock threshold.

Are there any boundaries?

That is not to say that you can’t establish certain boundaries. For example, clothing worn to school must follow the school dress code, as should uniforms or kit required for various activities. On weekends and in free time, your child can have the freedom to choose what he or she likes, but make it clear when you think something goes beyond the boundaries of good taste – revealing breasts, for example, is not ideal for a young girl, nor is wearing something that you think is derogatory towards other cultures, too sexual in nature or promotes illegal activity such as drug-taking (slogans on printed T-shirts, for example).

But make sure you are up on the trends. Flick through teen magazines to see what kids are wearing and visit some shops to see what’s on sale. More importantly, look around. If 90 per cent of the kids are wearing the same gear, chances are it’s the current trend, and therefore part of kid/street culture. There is absolutely no point in denying your child clothing that is deemed acceptable by the vast majority, but if it’s rude, offensive or too revealing, you are well within your rights to defend your position – on safety grounds, of course!

All my child’s friends wear designer clothes and we can’t afford it. How can we get the message across?

This is a common battle in many households and it needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. A discussion about family finances and limited budgets is a good starting point. Furthermore, explain your value system – that you may have chosen, for example, to pay off your mortgage, have nice family holidays or pay for education rather than spend money on expensive clothing. In this way you can teach your child some important lessons about budgeting, and prioritising spending.

But if you can help it, don’t say ‘no’ outright. A clothing allowance is always a good idea at around fourteen or fifteen (see page), and this will give your child the freedom to spend what he has on what he thinks he needs. He may feel that one expensive designer jacket is enough to keep up his street cred, and that he’d rather do without anything else in order to get it. That’s his choice. As long as you stick to your guns about clothing purchases and what you are prepared to subsidise, he’ll have to make choices and possibly learn the hard way.

What if I can’t afford what he wants?

Kids who want things outside the family budget must be prepared to pay for them. So if his heart is set on a Ralph Lauren jumper, then suggest he earns the money to pay for it. He could help out a lot more around the house or do some of the niggling jobs that you never get round to (painting the windowsills outside the house, raking leaves, washing windows, even steam-cleaning the carpets). If he wants something enough he should be willing to work for it.

You may agree to pay for one item of designer clothing each season, within an agreed budget. Again, this teaches your child to prioritise and to make choices, while for your part shows willing and an understanding of his needs.

Be prepared for the ‘it’s not fair’ argument. Kids are always resentful when others have more than they have, but it’s one of life’s hard lessons. We can’t always get what we want and life is easier for some people. Point out what your child does have, such as loving parents, nice holidays, a comfortable home, whatever it takes. It’s not an easy lesson to learn, but teaching these things early on is a good way to avoid your child becoming debt-ridden later on, and it also encourages an appreciation for what he does have.

What about sports equipment? The list of required items is longer than my arm and if he doesn’t have what he needs, he won’t be able to play.

Second-hand is always a good bet – talk to other parents with older children who may have equipment sitting at home. Read the papers or put an ad in one of the free papers to see if anyone has anything going. Look on the internet – sports manufacturers often go out of business or change their lines; you may be able to get good-quality merchandise at much lower prices. Ask your child to contribute. Spell out how much you can afford. If he’s really keen, he can do some work in the neighbourhood, perhaps, even babysitting, to contribute to funds. Suggest setting up a swap shop at the sports facility where outgrown items are placed in a bank, and anyone can use them as long as they contribute something of equal value themselves. There are always options.

If nothing works and your child can’t play because you cannot afford the equipment, some explaining will be necessary. This isn’t easy or enjoyable, but it’s undoubtedly true that one of life’s lessons is learning that we can’t always undertake activities outside our budget, and that money only goes so far. It’s tough, but it’s the way of the world.

Should I allow my child to borrow my clothes?

The line between adult and children’s clothes has been substantially blurred over the past decade, and many parents wear the same types of clothing as their children (although in the latter case, it might be the more expensive version). If the clothing is age-appropriate, then by all means do so. This is, however, one situation where you can set down some clear rules (which may also encourage your child to take some responsibility for belongings). For example, if it’s a dry-clean only garment, and it becomes dirty or marked, your child is responsible for the cleaning bill. If she loses or damages it, she is responsible for its replacement (within reason). One loan does not mean open access to your wardrobe, and it should be stressed that permission must be requested for any and everything that is borrowed. You would like it returned after use, on a hanger (or in the drawer) and any spots or stains pointed out. Obviously, you can expect some reasonable wear and tear after a night, so be realistic, but if there is damage, you are within your rights to request costs.