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Communication

How can I establish a good rapport with my teenager?

The most crucial element is making time. With hectic schedules in a busy household, many parents and teenagers are like ships in the night – a few words about where they are going and when they will be home and they vanish. Then there is the routine nagging about hygiene, schoolwork, bedtime, tidying, household chores – and for some parents that is the sum total of the parent-child relationship.

It is, however, important that you set aside time for your teenager and that she understands the importance of setting aside time for you. I find it disheartening when children are not taught to respect the family unit or relationship and are allowed to make plans that prohibit regular and healthy communication. If you haven’t established this now, it’s not too late. Here’s the best way to go about it:

Set up a time chart for the whole family where everyone fills in their appointments, social activities, special events and obligations (jobs, babysitting, etc.). Ask everyone to keep one day or evening a week free for family.

This is not to say that once a week is enough to time to talk, but it’s a beginning. In this time, plan something for the whole family occasionally, but most importantly, plan some one-on-one time with your teen – a shopping trip, a meal out, a walk in the park, a visit to a gallery – anything that allows time for some communication.

When you have time together, keep things informal. Don’t save up all of your concerns or ‘big talks’ for this day. If you do, it will never happen again! Chat as you would with a friend and avoid being judgmental or authoritarian.

Everyone deserves respect, children and adults alike, and you will encourage the best possible relationship if you understand this premise and employ it. Show the same respect you would give a friend, even if you have differences.

Actively pay attention to what your child says. Many of us get into the habit of saying ‘mmm, yes, great, oh good ...’ without thinking or taking on board what is being said. Make eye contact. Show you are interested by focusing on what your child is saying. Ask some relevant questions and avoid making judgements or showing disdain or shock.

When you want to chat, look for a good moment. We all have moments when we are more receptive, and your teenager is the same. If she’s stressed, on the phone, in the middle of homework, tired or clearly not interested, wait for a more appropriate time. If you force conversation or take the role of interrogator (firing off a series of questions), her back will go up and you’ll get one-word answers, if any.

Remember your sense of humour. If you can laugh together, this will dispel a great deal of tension.

Try to keep up daily communication, even if it’s only a few minutes of chat. Don’t begin by asking a series of questions; instead comment on a relevant news story or even the football scores. If you are in the habit of chatting daily, it becomes easier to open up.

If you are struggling, write a note and slip it under the door. Don’t be heavy – in fact, you might want to simply make a joke or apologise. Or say: ‘can we talk?’ Sometimes kids have trouble sharing their thoughts in person (particularly if you have not always been receptive in the past), so ask her to write down what’s on her mind and you can think it over. Make a date to talk later or respond in writing yourself. It’s not ideal, but it’s a start.

Don’t forget to encourage your teenager and offer praise. We are often very diligent about the praise routine with youngsters, but get stuck in a rut with our older kids – perhaps because they are often in our bad books or because we disagree with most of what they are doing or saying.

Finally, don’t give up! Persist with the lighthearted comments, praise, jokes and fun. Try not to nag. Choose your battles carefully and let your child be an individual, with her own rights and voice.

We’ve had a good relationship in the past, but I’m struggling to communicate with my daughter. What can I do?

In recent years, psychologists have revised their idea of healthy parent-teen relationships. They have found that most teens have warm, close relationships with their parents. They care about their parents’ opinion of them and hold their parents’ opinions in high regard. Many teens who do not have good rapport with their parents have had difficulties with them for years. If your relationship with your child has always been strained, there are ways to relate more positively (see page).

Parents of children in their early teens can expect an increase in the number of arguments with their children. At this time your teen is trying to establish him or herself as an independent person in the household. Once you and your family begin to acknowledge this change, the number of arguments between parents and teens usually declines.

Parents fear loss of control over the adolescent and fear for their child’s safety because of this increased independence. Adolescents face stress when pushing for more freedom than parents are willing to grant. When they fail to adhere to parental advice they may engage in deviant behaviour such as alcohol and drug abuse, shoplifting and truancy. Understanding teenage developmental stages can help parents support their teens as they develop into independent, responsible adults.

Why does it feel like a rollercoaster ride living with my teenager?

During adolescence teens experience rapid physical, social, emotional and intellectual development. The most important thing to accept is that you and your parenting styles need to change in line with this, too. If you treat your child as you always have – without any respect for independence, new interests and activities, the need for freedom and privacy, the importance of popularity and the peer group, and, of course, the need to make their own mistakes and judgements – you will find yourself facing conflict.

Instead of laying down the rules, involve your child in a discussion. Explain your views and expectations, and choose a few things that really matter to you. Trying to control every element of a teenager’s life is going to fail, and you’ll end up having no idea what they are up to at an important stage of development. Discuss the rules you have in mind, and be open to a little compromise and negotiation on the things that simply don’t matter that much. Remember, too, that hormones and stress can make teenagers moody. It’s not necessarily directed at you, but it can hurt. Kids often take out their concerns, frustrations, moods and anger on parents, simply because they are the safest people to ‘dump on’.

ARE YOU IN THE DARK ABOUT WHAT YOUR KIDS DO? YOU’RE NOT ALONE

According to a Guardian/ICM poll, British teenagers drink, smoke, take more drugs and lose their virginity earlier than many of their parents believe. Researchers questioned more than 500 young people between the ages of eleven and sixteen about their lives, asking them to fill in confidential questionnaires about issues such as alcohol, drug use, sex and the internet. Their parents, who gave permission for the research, answered separate questionnaires about what they believed their children had experienced.

The gap between what teenagers have done and what their parents think they have done is striking. Of children who have tried drugs, 65 per cent of parents either think they have not or do not know. Of children who smoke, 52 per cent of parents are unaware. Of children who say they have looked at pornography online, 60 per cent of their parents think they have not done so or did not know either way.

The poll shows that 15 per cent of children say they have talked about sex online. Only three per cent have gone on to meet a stranger they encountered on the internet, but of those, only one per cent of parents are aware of the meeting.

Secure children feel unconditional love and know that you aren’t going to stop loving them if they express themselves in negative ways. They can’t do it with friends and they won’t do it at school, so it’s often a way of letting off steam. In some sense, we can be flattered when our kids trust us enough to let it out at home.

How often should I be having regular chats with my child?

The simple answer is every day. This is not always easy, but it must be encouraged. This doesn’t mean a long heart-to-heart on a daily basis, it means touching base – talking about plans, news, current events, anything of interest to your child. Sharing at least one meal a day is a good step towards this goal, and perhaps always having a chat before bedtime, where you exchange details of your day, is another one. Don’t wait for a bad report card, a problem or a ‘big chat’ to communicate.

We argue constantly and then lock horns; what can I do?

There is one simple answer to this: refuse to argue back. Locking horns indicates a power struggle, and that means that you are both standing your ground without conceding or being willing to compromise or negotiate. For there to be any communication, one, but preferably both of you need to back down. The key is not to argue, but to encourage discussion. ‘Ok, you feel this way, and I respect your views, but I feel this way (and thus expect respect as well). How can we find a middle ground?’ Listen to the arguments and consider them carefully. Present your own in a calm, rational way, and take the time to explain them, and why they are important to you. Then actively search for a compromise.

Your child is a unique individual with her own beliefs, theories, thought patterns and experiences, just as you are, and it is important that mutual respect exists, as it is the basis for every healthy relationship. Ultimately, we need to learn to let go as our children become older – to let them make them own mistakes and explore their own individuality and dreams.

Finally, remember the most important rule in parenting: don’t sweat the small stuff. Some issues are not worth fighting about. Drugs, yes. Clothing (unless it is seriously worrying) no. Truancy, yes. Pierced ears, no. Think about it carefully.

I think my daughter is lying to me regularly; what should I do?

(See Lying, page 00)