Читать книгу You Can Win Your Ex Back: With the Right Plan You Can Repair What Broke Down So Well That Your Ex Will Come Running Back to You - Leanne M. Shine - Страница 5

The very first thing you need to do to help get your head on straight is to sit down and brainstorm a list of all the things that you can possibly think of that contributed to your partner leaving you. To do this you'll need a pen and paper, or maybe lots of paper. Don't be tempted to type away on a computer. There is a very real benefit to using a pen and paper; it is a slower and more physically tangible process that registers more deeply in your subconscious as you do it. Typing on a keyboard and looking at a screen just doesn't have the same effect on your mind and nor will it help jog your memory in the same way that all the very fine mechanical movements of handwriting will.

Make sure you are alone, likely to be uninterrupted, and that you are surrounded by silence. Don't have your favorite sad music playing or the TV running. You will want to be completely alone with nothing but your own thoughts and the paper in front of you.

But most of all you need to be honest. What you write is for your eyes only so make it as honest as can be. Remind yourself that you're not trying to blame your ex or blame yourself. Cast your mind back to your relationship as if you were a fly on the wall or as if you were a third party counselor, examining the relationship "as is" devoid of emotion. It will be hard for you are currently filled with all kinds of emotions related to your loss, but it is very important that you exercise nothing but honesty as you write your list. Don't let yourself fall into blaming anyone; just identify every issue you can think of that worked to harm your relationship with your ex.

Now, it is important to realize that there is no such thing as a great relationship ending because of one single thing. For example, did your relationship end because you were caught cheating on your partner? Then know your cheating didn't end the relationship - there were reasons why you allowed yourself to cheat and it is those reasons that ended the relationship - possibly amongst many other reasons too. In this example, the cheating was merely the final straw that broke the camel's back but up until that point there were other straws that were weighing the relationship down.

The writing is always visible on the wall prior to a relationship breakdown. Sometimes it is visible to both partners for a long time prior to the eventual break while other times it is only visible to one partner. But in nearly all cases the writing becomes clearly visible once the relationship ends. For example, it is common for partners who have been cheated on to say, "I knew it, I knew something was wrong for months, but I just couldn't pinpoint it, but now it's all so clear..." before elaborating on all the events that made the fact their partner was having an affair actually quite obvious.

Let's use the issue of one partner having an affair to illustrate the kinds of points - straws - that you may write down as reasons why things went wrong and he or she left you:

I stopped giving her my attention months ago and was spending way too much time at the bar with my buddies.

I've been flirting with other women right in front of her; she probably thought I was cheating too

I let myself get too stressed about money and took it out on her, instead of working with her to get through our problems

She kept saying she wanted kids and the clock was ticking, and I kept joking "you better look elsewhere, because I don't"

I used to give her flowers every Wednesday, then I just stopped

There's no need to continue with this example list as by now you should be able to see that whatever reason you can think of you should write down. It doesn't matter if it's right or wrong - if it comes to mind, write it down. This exercise is about helping you get your head straight by allowing all the reasons that are in your head about what could possibly have harmed your relationship to come out right now in a controlled and private environment. It is far better to blurt out what isn't accurate, or even what is, privately than it is to blurt it out to your ex without thinking through the ramifications first. By brainstorming this list now, you'll be starting the process of coming to terms with the reality behind what caused your situation, even if your list doesn't exactly clarify it just yet.

If you get stuck, ask yourself questions like: "What did I do that she didn't like?" or "What can I think of that I shouldn't have done?" or "What could I have done better?" or "Is there anything I can remember that she asked of me that I ignored?" Then write down your answers.