Читать книгу You Can Win Your Ex Back: With the Right Plan You Can Repair What Broke Down So Well That Your Ex Will Come Running Back to You - Leanne M. Shine - Страница 7

Here's the truth: most relationships end without the truth as to why it ended being discussed openly between both partners. In all likelihood, your ex has walked out on you without having communicated his or her true feelings about why they're walking out. If they did communicate a reason, it was probably easier just to tell you about the "final straw" than it was to tell you all of the reasons that really forced their hand, many of which may now be on the list before you.

Did you know that it is also common for partners to do something bad so that they can get out of a relationship easier than if they had to own up to the many reasons why they wanted to leave in the first place? Many people will cheat on their partners and allow themselves to be caught as the easy way out. It's much easier to do that than to criticize someone's personal qualities directly. Both men and women do this often, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously.

We started the process of writing down these reasons not to lay blame but to help bring clarity to your mind about the causes behind what pushed your ex away. Your ex will probably never tell you the truth if the reason they left relates to your personal qualities and this is especially the case if your relationship was special and loving. As ironic as it is, sometimes it is easier to hurt someone by doing something that you know they won't like than by telling them that they are doing many things that you don't like.

Remind yourself right now that the real reasons your relationship ended are probably on your list. Even if this is incorrect - even if the real reasons are completely unrelated to you or you have failed to pinpoint them - there's no other way you can find out what they are right at this moment. All you can do, for now, is to move forward on the basis that it will be helpful to find out what things you could have said and done better in the past so that you can do so in the future. If the things on your list did contribute to harming your relationship, they won't again. If they didn't, then they won't harm any future relationship you establish, whether it is with your ex or someone else entirely.

You can't change the past; whatever in the past sent your ex packing is now completely out of your control. It's done and there's no going back; there's only going forward and the first step to going forward constructively is to identify not what happened in the past that you had control over but what should have happened that you have control over.

To do this, take a fresh piece of a paper and draw two columns. In the first column, write the first thing from your list into it. In the second column, write down what you think you should have said or done differently.

For example, let's look at the first item from our previous example list:

What went wrong

I stopped giving her my attention months ago and was spending way too much time at the bar with my buddies.

What should have happened

I should have given her my complete devotion. If I was at the bar with my friends she should have been with me. If not, it should have been rare. I should have made it clear that she was more important to me than drinks, bars, or even my friends. I should have shown more interest in being with her than being anywhere without her. I should have made her feel special.

Now, repeat this process with every single item on your list.