Читать книгу i am the love letter - lillian grace - Страница 14

you are a laundry list in my head

I wish i didn’t remember the little things about you

and trust me, I’ve read way too many sad love poems saying how hard it is to forget someone like you

and trust me, I think 98% of them are written at 4 am when their mind is on you because that’s what people do at 4 am

and trust me, 4 am is not the right time to figure out your life. 4 pm is. or some other time when you see the sun and not the moon

but you do not cross my mind at 4 am. instead i dream of boys with artistic minds and girls who don’t hide from themselves. I dream of beautiful people who will look at my art with a critical eye and not a loving one. or maybe both.

you pop into my head at 2 pm when the only thing open on my computer is a health assignment that I have no interest in doing

you show up when I’m scrolling through instagram after a chem test and for some reason a girl got her haircut like you. and I look at her for a moment and refresh. and refresh. and refresh

because goddamnit instagram just because I search for pictures of her doesn’t mean I want to actually see her

I did once. maybe twice. maybe not.

I have a google doc that is a list woven from her and my heartstrings

it tells me secrets that she spoke under her breath when she thought no one else would notice them

she hates the taste of coffee. she fidgets every single second of the day. she loves numbers. she feels tingly when she eats minty things. she types at 58 words per minute. she loves bagels and walking in circles. she always checks for trolls under bridges.

I never quite realized how much information I had about her until she wasn’t mine.

there are particles of hope hidden behind every huge paragraph

I wrote her letters upon letters upon letters telling her I’m sorry telling her I love her telling her I don’t want to lose something that I just realized I had

writing things like:

“I’m messy…Hella messy. I suck at making plans because I’m a crazy introvert who isn’t used to devoting this much of her time to a single person…I’m messy…I’m not good at making the first move. I’m not good at making a scene. But some part of you makes me want to make a scene everywhere I go and that’s kind of incredibly beautiful. I don’t like to stand out, but, god, I want to stand out to you…I’m messy…But I promised you that once summer started, we’d try to figure it out. We’re going to figure it out. I hate cleaning up messes, but, I mean, this one is one that I look forward to finishing. And honestly, I look forward to being in love with you the way there.”

I told her I was in love with her

I never wrote that on my laundry list of things I knew for certain because I was always eternally unsure

I ordered an extra container of my favorite lip gloss for her

it came in the mail a few days before the day I broke up with her while standing in the security line of the JFK airport

it’s still sitting on my desk

I think once I finish the container I’ve been using, I’ll use that one

I’m tired of giving her things that weren’t yet hers

I want to say this will be the last poem

I mean it’s been months

but when I’m scattered, somehow my mind latches onto her

so maybe she’ll live in my head just for a bit longer

we’ll wait and see

wait until someone else hands me their laundry list and says

“here. this is yours now. don’t worry. you’ll never have to return it to me” and I’ll smile and nod because I won’t have to return it to them but I’m sure I will anyway I lose my laundry lists far too often