Читать книгу The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting your high-need child from birth to five - Martha Sears - Страница 61

There cannot be a rigid yes or no answer to this question. The mother-infant communication network is too intricate and sensitive to be subjected to dictums from an outsider. But be warned: it is the rare baby who follows the cry-it-out time charts displayed in various baby books over the past hundred years. These charts promise that crying will diminish; for many babies and in many circumstances this is not true. Nevertheless, there are times when you’d like some guidelines on how to hold up your end of the communication network while still giving your baby opportunities to grow toward independence.

The following guidelines are not meant to override your sensitivity. If, when, and how you decide to let your baby or toddler solve his difficulties without you must remain a parental cry-by-cry judgement.

Here are some suggestions to help you decide how quickly you need to respond to cries:

1. Listen to yourself. Listen to your own inner sensitivity as to whether any part of the cry-it-out approach is right for you, right for your baby, right for your baby’s stage of development, or right for your individual family circumstances – regardless of the norms of your friends.

2. Consider the depth of your attachment with your baby. If you practise the overall style of attachment parenting, are a high-touch, high-response parent, and have a healthy trust relationship with your baby, then you can become more restrained in your cry response without damaging that trust as baby grows older. In fact, your knowledge of your baby will help you here. You’ll know which cries need an immediate response and which ones are the sounds of your baby working things out on her own. You’ll respond instantly to the cry of a ten-day-old baby, be able to discern what’s wrong when a ten-week-old cries, while still responding quickly, and when a ten-month-old cries, your discernment may lead you to delay your response for a few minutes.

3. Use baby as the barometer. Don’t lock yourself into a set number of minutes or nights that you will delay your response to your baby’s cry. Let baby’s overall behaviour influence your decision as to whether or not your response time is right for you and your baby. Don’t persist with a bad experiment.

4. Consider your baby’s temperament. Easier-temperament babies are more likely to resettle without your help. The intensity of their cries gradually winds down as they learn to self-soothe. Not so the high-need baby, whose cries continue to escalate.

5. Analyse whether you are reinforcing baby’s cry. The closer you and your baby are, the more you may, without realizing it, be giving your baby a message that “you need to cry”. Mothers mirror emotions to their babies. If you are anxious, baby perceives that there really is something to cry about. I see this often in my paediatric practice. Parents new to our practice bring their infant into the surgery for a check-up. Seeing a stranger, baby begins to fuss and clings to mum. This makes mum anxious and she clings back to baby, giving baby the message that there really is something to be afraid about. Let’s replay this scenario. Suppose this mother puts on her best everything’s-okay face, giving baby the message that she is calm and in control. Then, if baby fusses, she continues her, “it’s okay” body language, while at the same time reassuring baby with a cool “it’s no big deal” attitude. A certain amount of anxiety is appropriate in strange situations, but it’s up to mum to model the calm behaviour she wants her baby to learn. I have noticed that first-time parents sometimes panic at their baby’s cries and jump every time their baby makes a peep. Veteran parents, on the other hand, are better able to distinguish “biggies”, those cries needing prompt attention, from “smallies”, those triggered by something baby can handle with little or no help, or they have learned to meet baby’s needs before baby has to cry. (See related discussions “Don’t Panic!” opposite, and “No Problem”, page 72.)

6. Consider how important your need to let baby self-settle is. One of the most difficult parts of parenting is weighing baby’s needs against your needs, for example, your need for sleep versus baby’s need to be comforted. Signals that your parental balance system needs adjustments include these: You are not enjoying motherhood; you are having second thoughts about the style of parenting you are doing; you are becoming a tired and cranky mother, and the whole family is suffering. One of the principles that we have found helpful in our own family and in counselling other mothers who are burning out is this one: