Читать книгу The Good Behaviour Book: How to have a better-behaved child from birth to age ten - Martha Sears - Страница 66

Weaning means a child is ripe – the needs of one stage of development are filled so that the child is ready to take on the challenges of the next stage. The key to weaning is that it be gradual because weaning is a process, not an event. In the process of gradual weaning, the parent sees to it that the child is filled with one set of competencies as she becomes ready to take on the next set. Consider the close connection achieved by practising the baby basics: being responsive to baby’s cries, breastfeeding, and babywearing. These are natural discipline tools that can lessen the anxiety of toddlerhood, freeing up this little person to tackle challenges smoothly. A toddler who still breastfeeds, spends some time being worn in a sling, and gets responsive parenting continues to get the attachment tools that equip him to become gradually independent. This process cannot be rushed. When the baby inside the toddler stays connected, the toddler has the self-assurance he needs to separate.

Many toddlers I see in my practice are not like some I read about. These infants, who are not prematurely weaned, are positive kids, not at all the negative persons or the terrible twos commonly portrayed in baby books and child magazines. In my twenty-two years in paediatric practice I have noticed that the most well behaved children are those that were not weaned before their time.

But won’t prolonged attachment spoil a child? Yes, if mother is possessive – holding on to her toddler to fulfil her own needs for attachment at the expense of her child moving on. No, if the mother allows a weaning from each attachment stage as mutually agreed upon by mother and toddler. Contrary to the popular belief that extended attachment hinders independence, we notice that babies who are not prematurely rushed through any attachment stage and weaned before their time actually become more independent. And many attachment studies support our observation.

Mothers who wean early believe they may gain some freedom. Possibly, yes, but there is a trade-off. With early weaning you lose a valuable discipline tool. Attachment mellows toddler behaviour. We believe that much of toddler misbehaviour, such as anger and aggression, and behaviours that are passed off as “normal twos” are really behaviours of premature detachment. We pay a price for precocious independence. Early weaning from the breast, from primary caregivers, and from the home is a norm in Western society. A great deal of confusion about discipline methods is also characteristic of this same society. Any connection? The best way to build age-appropriate discipline into your parent-child relationship is to allow the child to separate from the parent instead of the parent prematurely separating from the child.

The problem with many of the modern theories about discipline is that they focus so much on fostering independence that they lose sight of the necessity for a toddler to continue a healthy dependence. Try to achieve the delicate balance between maintaining the connection and encouraging self-reliance.

Take leave properly. Our eighteen-month-old grandson Andrew has very polite parents. Bob and Cheryl are careful to let him know when one of them plans to “disappear” into the next room. Because Andrew is separation-sensitive, he taught them to do this from a very early age. Especially important is saying “Good-bye!” “See-ya”, and “Daddy’s going to work.” Andrew is able to handle even his mother’s leave-taking because there have never been any rude surprises. Including your child in your leave-taking helps him know what the score is at any given moment. He can trust his parents to keep him posted.

Be a facilitator. Children will naturally become independent. It is not your job to make them independent but rather to provide a secure environment that allows them to become independent. As your child is struggling for a comfortable independence, you become a facilitator. You are like a battery charger when the little dynamo needs emotional refuelling. One moment he is shadowing you, the next moment he is darting away. How much separation can he tolerate and does he need? How much closeness? The child needs to maintain the connection while increasing the distance. Toddlers who behave best are those that find the balance of attaching and exploring as they go from security to novelty. Your job as facilitator is to help the child achieve that balance. That’s the partnership you and your toddler negotiate.

Substitute voice contact. If your young toddler is playing in another room out of your sight and starts to fuss, instead of immediately dropping what you are doing and rushing to baby’s aid, try calling to him instead, “Mummy’s coming!” Maintaining a dialogue with a toddler outside the shower door has prevented many a separation protest.

Shift gears if separation isn’t working. Sometimes even a baby who was “easy to leave” suddenly becomes a toddler who is separation-sensitive. If baby isn’t taking well to your absences, you might try more creative ways of staying happy yourself that don’t involve leaving your baby. What you may perceive as a need to escape may actually be a need for you to give yourself more nurturing.

Provide “long-distance” help. Exploring toddlers get stuck in precarious places. The protector instinct in all parents makes us want to rush and rescue the stuck baby. Sometimes it’s good to encourage from the sidelines and let the young adventurer get herself out of the mess. While writing this section, I observed two-year-old Lauren trying to negotiate her doll buggy down a short flight of steps. Halfway down, the buggy got stuck and Lauren began to protest. Instead of immediately rushing to help her, I offered an encouraging “Lauren do it.” That was all she needed to navigate her buggy down the rest of the steps. Encouraging toddlers to work themselves out of their own dilemmas helps them develop a sense of self-reliance.

Watch for signs of separation stress. There are times when toddlers still need to cling, some more than others. On days when your usually fearless explorer won’t leave your side, honour his wishes but try to figure out why he is staying so close. Does he feel ill? Have you been distracted or too busy to attend to him? Has he had more separation than he can handle lately? Refuel his connectedness “tank” with some time together, and he’ll be off on his own again soon.

Have “just being” time. Take time to let your toddler just be with you, on your lap cuddling and talking, if he wants, at various times throughout the day. Says Martha: “First thing in the morning is a favourite time for our Lauren to want this, especially if she’s slept in her own bed that night, or if I got up before her and we miss that snuggle time in bed. If I let her ‘be’ until she calls a halt, she charges herself for a nice long stretch of independent time. It’s not always easy for me to sit still long enough to let this happen, yet I’m always glad when I do.”

Encourage relationships with other significant adults. Grandparents, family friends, a substitute caregiver you use regularly can help your older toddler learn to depend on adults other than his parents. Invite significant others into your child’s life so that as he separates from you he learns that he can depend on a variety of people for help.

Remember, children’s behaviours are more challenging to deal with when they are making the transition from one developmental stage to the next. By easing the transition, you lessen the discipline problems that tag along.