Читать книгу The Good Behaviour Book: How to have a better-behaved child from birth to age ten - Martha Sears - Страница 73

Besides mastering “the look”, reserve a special tone of voice for those occasions when you must get your point across vocally. A veteran disciplinarian shared her secret with us: I am an easy-going mummy, but my children know just by my tone of voice when they have crossed the line. One day our two-year-old was misbehaving and our four-year-old said, “Don’t mess with Mummy when she talks like that!”

Coincidentally, one day while we were writing this chapter, two-year-old Lauren came prancing into our study clutching a bag of peanuts. Instead of grabbing the peanuts from her and shouting “No!” (they are on our chokeable food list for children under three), Martha looked Lauren straight in the eye and calmly said, “Not for Lauren.” Her tone of voice and concerned look stopped Lauren in her tracks. Martha picked Lauren up (still clutching the peanuts) and headed off for the pantry, where they found a safer snack. By using our standard “not for Lauren” phrase and giving her a safe alternative, she didn’t have time to consider throwing a fit, which a no surely would have produced. (For more alternatives to no, see discussions of redirectors and here). In any family there will be items that are “not for” the little one. When you use this phrase calmly and consistently from early on, the toddler understands you are protecting him.

“No” is so easy to say. It requires no thought. It’s knee-jerk automatic, yet irritatingly oppressive. Saying “cannot” communicates more, and you’ll use it more thoughtfully, reserving it for situations where baby truly cannot proceed. You’re respecting his mind as you protect his body. In our experience, babies respond to “Stop!” better than to “No!” It gets the child’s attention, and stops behaviour long enough for you to plan other strategies. “Stop” is protective rather than punitive. “No” invites a clash of wills, but even strong-willed children will usually stop momentarily to evaluate a stop order, as if they sense danger ahead. Strong-minded children often ignore “No” if they’ve heard it a thousand times before. Even “Stop” loses its command value if overused.

Give positive substitutes. Present a positive with your negative: “You can’t have the knife, but you can have the ball.” Use a convincing expression to market the “can do” in order to soften the “can’t do”. “You can’t go across the street”, you say with a matter-of-fact tone of voice, and then carefully state, “You can help Mummy sweep the drive.” There is a bit of creative marketing in every mother.

Avoid setups. If you’re taking your child along with you to a toyshop to buy a birthday present for your child’s friend, realize that you are setting yourself up for a confrontation. Your child is likely to want to buy everything in the shop. To avoid the inevitable “No, you can’t have that toy”, before you go into the shop tell him that you are there to buy a birthday present and not a toy for him so that he is programmed not to expect a toy.