Читать книгу The Good Behaviour Book: How to have a better-behaved child from birth to age ten - Martha Sears - Страница 77

Children, especially those with a strong will, try to wear their parents down. They are convinced they must have something or their world can’t go on. They pester and badger until parents say “yes” just to stop the wear and tear on their nerves. This is faulty discipline. If, however, your child’s request seems reasonable after careful listening, be willing to negotiate. Sometimes you may find it wise to change your mind after saying no. While you want your child to believe your “No” means no, you also want your child to feel you are approachable and flexible. It helps to hold your “No” until you’ve heard your child out. If you sense your child is uncharacteristically crushed or angry with your “No”, listen to her side. Maybe she has a point you hadn’t considered or her request is a bigger deal to her than you imagined. Be open to reversing your decision, if warranted. Make sure, though, that she knows it was your fairness and not her “wear down” tactics that changed your mind.

Our daughter Erin seems destined to become a trial lawyer; she pleads her case with logic and emotion. It’s even harder to say no to her when she raises those eyelashes you could paint a house with. Eventually we learned to say no without discouraging Erin’s creative persistence. When Erin wanted a horse, we said no (we had too many dependents already). Erin persisted. By trial and error we had learned that any big wish in a child, no matter how ridiculous, merits hearing the child’s viewpoint. We listened attentively and empathetically while Erin presented her horse wish. We countered, “Erin, we understand why you want a horse. You could have a lot of fun riding and grooming a horse, and some of your friends have horses.” (We wanted Erin to feel we understood her side.) “But we have to say no; and we will not change our minds. Now let’s sit down and calmly work this out.” (Letting the child know her request is non-negotiable diffuses the child’s steam and saves you from getting worn down.) “You are not yet ready to care for a horse.” (We enumerated the responsibilities that went along with the fun of owning a horse.) “When you have finished another six months of lessons and you show us that you can be responsible for a horse, we’ll talk about it then.” Nine months later Tuny was added to our list of dependents. Erin got her horse and she learned two valuable lessons in life: how to delay gratification and that with privileges come responsibilities.

As young parents with our first few children, we believed that smacking was appropriate in life-threatening situations, such as toddlers running out into the street. We reasoned it was necessary to make a lasting impression on mind and body to prevent the child from running into the street again. At the time we concluded that safety comes before psychology. But as we learned more about discipline, we realized there are better ways than smacking to handle even danger discipline. And we realized toddlers don’t remember from one time to the next, even with the “physical impression”. Here’s what worked for us: