Читать книгу Mustard Seeds - Melissa Levi - Страница 30

Pursued By a Perfect Love

I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.

John 17:9

It was 10 am; recess time. The yellow sun had crept above the tree line and beamed down on the dry grass of the third grade playground. The air smelled of pear trees and sweet honeysuckle. Spring was slipping away to summer. From the side door of the brick building, gangly knock kneed boys and girls screamed and giggled as they ran across the pavement to line up on the grass. The teachers shouted commands to the children and they quickly lined up as the teachers chose captains.

It was kickball day.

I did not share the enthusiasm of my classmates. I nervously twisted my hands and dug the toe of my shoe into the dust. Sweat began to pop out on my brow. I felt the butterflies of anxiety as the kids grouped into their cliques. I hated kickball day. It was the day that your peers either endorsed you with an invitation to their team or rejected you with the refusal to include you in the lineup. It seemed to take forever as I waited for the giggling pig tailed girls and freckle splattered boys to whisper among themselves to choose the next players. There were times when I was chosen rather quickly other times I was left last, tears welling, sweaty palmed and red faced.

The fickle kids of Ms. Wilson’s third grade class kept me in a constant state of worry. I was always afraid to not be chosen. To not be considered good enough to kick the orange ball and claim a base. Not be chosen by the boys as a competent player or by the girls as being popular enough. I dreaded Tuesday and Thursday recess. My stomach churned with the panic of being passed over and rejected.

Things don’t change much as you continue to move through the years. We find that we are missing party invitations, not being asked to prom, not getting the job, the interest of the handsome guy, or winning the promotion. Life is a constant popularity contest and struggle to fit in, be accepted and liked.

I can tell you that my anxiety on the kick ball field did not stay there. It has followed me throughout my life, and I have made some bad choices in the pursuit of quelling my fear of rejection. I spent years upon years striving for the endorsement of my friends, society, coworkers, men and those I strived to be like. I played the part, used the lingo and tried to conform to what I thought they wanted me to be. I was miserable and desperate. Finally, I no longer knew who I was. I did not know what I liked, what I enjoyed what I wanted out of my life.

Years of trying to be what I thought people wanted me to be left me a stranger to myself.

It took a long time to get to know who I was. In the beginning I did not like Melissa Levi and believed no one else would like the real me much less love me.

Yet the whole time I was being pursued by a love that I wanted no part of. If no one wanted me or chose me here on earth, then why in the world would God have use for me? I rejected Christ and stubbornly held to the idea that I was unlovable, unwanted and worthless.

However, Jesus never tired in His quest of my soul. I was the one of the ninety- nine sheep and He followed me into the wilderness.

Even as I turned back to church, Jesus, my family; I continued to believe only in my unworthiness.

Then there was a verse that I had read and heard many times in my life, yet this time it meant something very personal to me.

I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine. John 17:9

Jesus as He prepared for His death on the cross, He also prepared His disciples for the time to come. He also prayed for you and me.

Neither pray I for these alone (only), but for them also which shall believe on me through their word (message) John 17:20

Two thousand years ago, He knew me and He knew you. He knew that you would have the message brought to you of His boundless love and desire to include us in the family of God and He prayed you would believe. If Christ, facing a horrible death, removed from God himself by the sins of the world, prayed for me, how could I consider myself unwanted and unloved?

He pursued me with a perfect love. He pursues you too.