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Blind Panic

“You are far from my plea and the cry of my distress. O my God, I call by day and you give no reply; I call by night and I find no peace.”

(Ps. 22 1-2)

Sometimes writing Mustard Seeds is not always that simple. At times everything comes together with ease other times it is a struggle to get the words down with some semblance of order. This week I have all sorts of thoughts, but finding the central theme to focus on has been eluding me. I expressed this to my friend. She reminded me of an incident that happened probably 13 years ago.

This memory we shared would be the seed I had been looking for.

I got divorced close to the same time as my friend so we decided that sharing an apartment would be economically better as well as logistically beneficial with day care, work and school schedules.

We moved into a rather large three bedroom apartment. Moving day is in itself is very stressful, but mix in three little girls ages 4, 5 & 5, my family, her family and you have a whole new meaning of stress.

Most everyone had left and it was just us girls. We still had a few things in the cars and we wanted to get them in before dark. There were two ways into our hallway, the front entrance and then a rear door that had a path leading to the lower parking lot. I corralled the girls and told them we were going out to get more boxes. I warned them not to leave the apartment, we would just be outside and right back. We started out the back door to get another load. With arms full we trudged up the path. It was then that we heard the familiar cry of my child.

Out of the front of the building ran my youngest, at that time 4 years old, screaming “Momma!” She was hysterically crying and wailing. She was in such a panic that she did not look when she stepped off the curb for cars, she did not stop to look around for me. Instead, she ran down the walkway and into the parking lot. Across the black top in and out of parked cars her little legs pumped, propelling her further and further from me.

I dropped my boxes and began running screaming her name, tears welling in my eyes, my heart thumping and a chill of fear spreading throughout my body. I too ignored the possibility of traffic or danger because I had one focus and that was getting to her before something terrible happened. Finally, she heard my voice and ran back across the pavement to me. I scooped her up and squeezed her so hard she asked me to let go of her so she could breathe.

As I carried her in the building I inquired, “Why did you come outside? I told you to stay in the apartment because I was going to get boxes out of the car.”

“I know Momma, but I couldn’t see you anymore.”

There are times in my own life that I find myself in a panic because I cannot see God.

I do not understand why God chooses to be silent at times and quick to respond at others. I guess I forget that God is not a mere man, but the Sovereign God of all. He can do what He wants, whenever He gets ready. That’s hard to take for an impatient woman like me.

When I think of His silence I think of Mary and Martha, two very real women in a heartbreaking situation.

Mary and Martha had a brother named Lazarus and they lived in Bethany. The trio were very good friends with Jesus. They always opened their home to him and his disciples when they came through the area.

Unfortunately, Lazarus became ill. It became apparent that Lazarus may die so the sisters sent word to Jesus. They knew that Jesus could heal their brother. However, upon receiving the message, Jesus stayed for two more days where he was. He did not send back a message or go right away, he waited. He remained silent. (John 11:6) Mary and Martha could not see him. They did not hear from him, but they waited on him.

While they waited, Lazarus died.

As I read this I feel a little pang because I think about the pain and worry the sisters had been going through, the suffering of Lazarus and I have a bit of trouble reconciling this passage. I imagine that they watched together for Jesus to come. Neighbors and friends watched the horizon. By night they lit the oil lamp and waited, but Jesus did not come.

They endured the silence.

By the time Jesus came, Lazarus had been in the grave for 4 days.

So why did Jesus not come? Why had he remained silent? The Bible says that he loved them. (John 11:5). They demonstrated their faith but still no answer in this time of need.

The answer is in John 11:4, “This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.” Jesus told the disciples that this situation was for one purpose. Lazarus’ death was the opportunity to glorify God and the Son. Many Jews had gathered at the home of Mary and Martha and they had followed the sisters to meet Jesus at the grave. When Jesus called Lazarus from the grave there were many there to see it. On that day many believed.

Do not panic when you do not see God. When He’s silent, He’s working on a miracle.