Читать книгу 8 Strategies for Successful Step-Parenting - Nadir Baksh Psy.D. PsyD - Страница 6

Some of you may wonder whether you possess the necessary qualifications to take on such an enormous task. Most likely, you turned a blind eye to the prospects of step-parenting during the initial phase of your courtship, just like so many of your counterparts. Yet, even as you began to comprehend the total picture of what was in store for you, you didn’t waver. We believe that if you have a willingness to learn, an ability to remain patient during chaos, an uncanny knack for searching out the positives in negative situations, and the genuine desire to be a part of your step-children’s lives, you are well on your way.

If you are willing to love your step-children even when some of their behavior makes them unlovable, you more than meet the qualifications of a step-parent. This is not to minimize the task at hand. There will be times when your resolve will be tested and when self-doubt will make you wonder why you even wanted to be responsible for what seems to be a thankless situation. But, isn’t that the nature of parenting in general?

When your confidence is shaken, when you feel unappreciated, when you’re emotionally wrung out, it will be most important to remember who you are. Learning your strengths and weaknesses through a Personal Inventory, as this chapter suggests, will be your lifeline.

We appreciate that many of you come into your step-children’s lives as an outsider. Unlike their biologic parent, you have no sacrosanct union of DNA and genetics to lean on, no magic key to unlock the “circle”—that bond they’ve already established. Whether you are a learned person or uneducated, whether you have discovered the cure for cancer or you work on a factory line, you enter your new family without credentials. They will be given to you only as you earn them, judged by children who will often be unfair in their decisions. During the “probation period” (we suggest at least six months to one year) your qualifications will be called on the carpet not only by your step-children, but certainly by the other biologic parent. Nothing will be off-limits, including your appearance, personality, and parenting skills. You will have to pass tests for which you have not studied, from administrators who lack credentials, and your “report card” will fall short of your own standards.

No one said this undertaking would be easy; in fact, even among childish career choices such as, “When I grow up I want to be an astronaut who lives on the moon,” or “I want to be Spiderman and save the good people,” it is unlikely that any child anywhere in the universe uttered the words, “When I grow up I want to be a step-parent.” Yet here you are. You may already have children of your own, or this may be your first time around, but “inexperience” is not always synonymous with “disadvantage.” In fact, it is unfair for anyone (including yourself) to imply that you are an unlikely candidate to be a successful step-parent. We are all the sum total of our experiences, and those experiences allow each of you to bring forth your wisdom and knowledge, all equally valuable in life lessons. In any parenting situation no two individuals will share identical philosophies. Although they may differ, with some being more functionally appropriate than others, they all contain insights, information, and wisdom that have been handed down for generations. In some ways, inexperience may be your advantage: it allows an individual to ask for help, research information, and be more will ing to continually evaluate his or her progress.

Often a step-parent’s self-doubt implicates them without cause. That line of thinking, while often unrealistic, is destructive nonetheless, and if not kept in check takes on a life of its own.

As you’ll read in the story below, Stacey’s self-doubt almost cost her marriage.

Stacey’s Story

Stacey was convinced the only solution to her blended family’s problems was for her to file for divorce; she was absolutely certain that she was the sole reason that her step-son’s poor grades hinged on his inability to adjust to his new stepmother. In actuality, step-son Matt hadn’t really reacted one way or another when his father Dick remarried; it was true that Matt was introverted at home, but with his peers he was gregarious and fun-loving, behavior not at all uncommon with teenagers. He had just celebrated his sixteenth birthday and his hormones were in full swing; he was coming into his own, but some of those characteristics included risk-taking behavior and a sense of edginess and arrogance.

Dick voiced his shock at the change in his son, but rather than attributing it to teenage behavior, he left his statements open-ended; Stacey filled in the blanks silently. She believed that Matt’s difficulties were a direct result of her inadequate step-parenting, and that in order to save him from a life of poor choices, she would have to sacrifice her marriage.

When the family arrived in therapy, it was easy to see what was going on in the family dynamics; in truth, Dick was emotionally absent when it came to solution seeking, leaving most of the responsibility to Stacey. While he busied himself at work, staying later and later hours, she was at home trying to rein-in her adventurous step-son. It was no wonder that she let the brunt of “blame” fall upon her shoulders. We helped the parents make a Behavior-Consequence chart (see Strategy #3) for Matt, and enlisted Dick’s help in enforcing the consequences. Once Stacey was freed of the sole burden, and Matt quickly realized there were consequences to his behavior, the family found its way back to some harmony; the rest will come as Matt matures.

Like Stacy, everyone has fears, doubts and trepidation when they make changes. This is normal. As you learn about yourself, acknowledging both strengths and weaknesses, you will have a more realistic understanding of what to expect, both from yourself and from your spouse.