Читать книгу 8 Strategies for Successful Step-Parenting - Nadir Baksh Psy.D. PsyD - Страница 7

An individual with lots of parenting experience may believe that step-parenting is simply an extension of biologic parenting. That notion could not be farther from the truth. Step-parenting is uniquely different from biologic parenting in so many ways, the least of which is that you are meeting children at various stages of development for which you have had no input. These step-children are already biologically and emotionally encoded, and in ways that may vary dramatically from the children you already have. Before you ever set eyes on them, your step-children have already been raised under a different set of conditions, biases and expectations. Certainly your wisdom and experiences will help to shape them from here on, but, unlike a newborn whose world is shaped almost entirely by your personal modeling, imprinting and influences, step-children cannot discard learned information and begin anew.

A biological parent has no reason to worry about “winning” the affection of their child. A step-parent will ! Regardless of parental credentials, a biologic child accepts parents as they are, basking in their parent’s attributes and learning to “protect” and defend any parental flaws. For a biologic parent there is no examination to pass, no report card to be signed, no external scrutiny to be worried about. In many ways, biologic parents are given a “free pass” with an anticipated successful outcome as the bond between natural parents and their children becomes stronger every day, with each adapting to the others’ personality traits, strengths and weaknesses, talents and shortcomings. This bond breathes, growing together and apart in a rhythmical, genetically-orchestrated interdependence. This bond may be so tightly formed that a new step-parent may despair of ever finding an opening into this inner sanctum.

Once again, experienced with children or not, your job is a challenging one. Your strongest resources will be your own self-esteem and self-knowledge. Strategy #1 is to take the time to learn about you.

Martha’s Story

Martha walked into our counseling office unannounced; she had never been a patient of ours before, but heard that we had experience helping with family situations. “I have a mess on my hands” she cried. “I love my new husband but I have no idea why I thought I could be a step-mother to his children. I don’t know what I’m doing and I think they know I don’t know what I’m doing!”

We allowed Martha to express the same sentiments in various ways for the next fifteen minutes. It was apparent that she very much wanted to be a wife and step-mother, but had no experience with either role. The courtship and wedding seemed so romantic that she never stopped to imagine how the rest of her life would play out. After only two weeks, she suddenly doubted her ability to give advice, parent, set boundaries, keep her marriage fresh, go to work, make the dinner, and care for her own elderly parents. In her state of mind it was clear that she was not only overwhelmed with the day to day realities, but that she had begun her new role based upon a faulty foundation of low self-esteem and insecurity. We knew that Martha was going to be just fine, but first she would have to spend some time on introspection and clarification. With our coaxing she was willing to take some deep breaths on the spot. She also accepted our word that with some information and application she would master her anxieties and gain the necessary confidence to make her original dreams a reality.

Martha was about to discover that before she could become a confident step-parent, she needed a grasp on successful adulthood—a condition that hinges directly upon the contents of her emotional suitcase. As her suitcase was “emptied” through identification and resolution of past experiences, her worry, anxiety, fear and faulty perceptions could be released. Like Martha, we hope that you will take the time to open your suitcase and begin sifting through those issues that are causing you anger, insecurity and any other obstacles that stand in your way as a successful step-parent.