Читать книгу 8 Strategies for Successful Step-Parenting - Nadir Baksh Psy.D. PsyD - Страница 9

How could someone who wakes up with themselves each day not know their own strengths and weaknesses? As we retrace a common sequence of how self-esteem and self-understanding is created here, we hope you will see aspects of your story. At the same time, realize that this sequence is applicable to the children you are embracing, both your biologic and your step-sons or daughters.

During children’s formative years they take their cues from their parents—whose comments may range from their offspring’s exceptional intelligence to their clumsy stupidity. These comments serve to reinforce a child’s already self-centered preoccupation with themselves and their needs; or, in neglect or emotional abuse, the comments may infer laziness, ignorance and an inability to be valued. There is nothing to contradict these opinions and, therefore, whether Mom and Dad are disappointed by their child’s presumed poor behavior, or astounded by their child’s advanced learning skill s, the child is willing to adapt these opinions as their own.

Self-esteem is born in the nursery. From one extreme to the other, a child may be considered an unconfident, non-motivated burden to the family, or treated as a precious gift swaddled in a blanket of exaggerated accolades that insulate the simple, real truths of his or her essential beauty and uniqueness. These parental beliefs, once adopted, begin to shape the pathway toward adulthood. Neither belief can survive without contamination from the outside world. Either way, the perfect identity of innocence is marred by harsh comments or embarrassed compliments, until the confusion of what a child believes they are is overshadowed by what others believe.

Even among the most self-assured children, it is not long before school mates and teachers begin to reshape the perception of perfection. Day by day, character flaws are identified and illuminated by other children who find it amusing to belittle others for a quick laugh. Thus, inhibitions are borne and, suddenly, spontaneous dancing becomes a careful walk, while emotions are quietly placed behind a blank mask. It doesn’t take much humiliation for a child to quickly recognize that to avoid being the brunt of jokes it is necessary to follow and mimic those children who have been deemed “popular.” Until maturity, children will shed their identity in order to preserve their dignity, always striving to remain above the invisible place where unpopular souls are forced to live out their school days as outcasts.

Think back on your own experiences. If you were popular, you know it only took one misstep to thrust you into the pit of the misfortunate; if you were among the unpopular, you may not have dared focusing attention on yourself by participating in class, or by joining an after school activity. Rather, it was often much safer to begin the emotional carpentry of building protective walls against the whispered insults that echoed in school corridors. The ages from five through eighteen or twenty are often so harrowing to many young adults that they feel as though they are treading water in the deep end of the ocean, barely able to stay afloat, always worrying about drowning.

Whatever allowed you to be fun-loving and carefree as a toddler may have been long discarded for self-preservation during the adolescent and young adult years. While some, of course, had the nerve, or dumb luck, to follow their dreams and develop their identity regardless of the opinions of others, those people are few and far between. The rest were more likely to muddle through, allowing life to pull them along, rather than vice versa.

In retrospect, the challenges faced from ages twenty to thirty can still send shivers down the most stoic spine. Ready or not, life thrusts its way in, often uninvited, with responsibilities. There were children to bear and raise, bills to pay, budgets to balance, relationships to make and break, marriages and divorces, job interviews and evaluations, until any remaining semblance of spontaneity and impulsivity was nothing but a faded memory. These were not the times to take time off to get acquainted with your identity; these were the times when everyone else’s needs demanded to be met, with little regard for your own.

Most individuals have become the sum total of what their parents think they are, what they believed their classmates believed, what their academic accomplishments or failures depicted, what their girlfriends said behind their backs, what their boyfriends told their friends about them in the locker rooms. Their choice of mates, houses and neighborhoods have determined their worth, and social calendars their popularity. The truth is that most people go through life with little or no idea of who they are without someone else telling them.