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Contents

Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Introduction
#1 Stop Using E-mail
How Not to E-mail Old: 10 Musts to Avoid
#2 Don’t Say ‘Awesome’, ‘Dude’, or ‘Phat’
Guide to 11 Young–Old Slang Expressions
#3 Unstrap that Rolex
#4 Don’t Fear the Waxer
40-year-old Bikini-Waxing Virgin? 9 Things to Expect
#5 Avoid Direct Confrontation
#6 Don’t Leave a Message
#7 Don’t Dance to ‘Sexual Healing’
How to Grind, in 6 Easy Steps
8 Best Old-people Songs to Dance to … and 7 Young Ones that May Actually Get You Going
#8–19 How Not to Work Old
#20 Beware the Accidental Hook-up
What Exactly Is a Hook-up? A Teenager Tells All … Well, Some
#21 Don’t Smoke Pot
#22 Don’t Fear the F-word
#23–29 How Not to Weekend Old
#30 Don’t Get Too Excited about Mondays
#31 Avoid Avoiding Babies
I Would Love to Hold the Baby, but …
#32 Don’t Be Proud of Being Befuddled by Technology
Web Directory 102: Sites You Should Know
#33 Don’t Advise People to Carry an Umbrella
16 Things You Never Need to Say to Another Adult
#34 Don’t Admit You’re Crazy about Springsteen
#35 Don’t Be the Monica
#36–44 How Not to Be a Cougar
#45 Stop Talking about Menopause
#46 No Lame Parenting Advice
19 Things Never to Say to a Young Parent
#47 Don’t Fear the Tat
8 Tattoos for Old People
#48 Don’t Make Love
#49 Do Not Block the Aisle
#50 Throw off the Middle-aged Burka
12 Things You Can’t Even Think about Wearing (for Women)
#51 No Poodles
Pet Making You Look Old? 5 Swaps to Consider Now
#52 Don’t Yell into Your Mobile Phone
8 Ways Not to Phone Old
#53 Don’t Talk about Your (Grown-up) Children
5 Things to Talk about Instead of Your Kids
#54 Don’t Fear Rap
Easy Listenin’ Rap: 9 Songs Even You Might Like
#55 Don’t Drink Cosmopolitans
3 Young Cocktail Recipes
#56 Learn to Type with Your Thumbs
#57 Cancel the Trip to Provence
#58 Edit the Anecdotes
#59 Don’t Fear the Thong
#60 Don’t Lust after Paul McCartney
8 Hot vs. Crusty Comparisons
#61 No Chronic Health Discussions
#62 Screw the Housework
MadLibs: A Young Person’s Guide to Housekeeping
#63 Break that Saturday Night Sex Routine
#64 Stop Surfing the Net
25 Web Expressions You Should Know Now
#65 Have No Problem
#66 Sponge off Your Parents
#67–73 How Not to Party Old
#74 Don’t Be Shocked by a Touch of Girl-on-girl
10 Other Things Not to Be Shocked By
#75 No to the Negativity
Anti-negativity Spin Chart: 6 Upbeat Substitutes
#76 Enough with the Man-bashing
5 Deathless Man-bashing Jokes
#77 Don’t Fear the Silence
#78 Don’t Live Somewhere Old
#79 Don’t Say the Doctor, the Copper, or the Teacher ‘Looks Twelve’
#80 Cancel the Dinner Party
#81–87 How Not to Facebook Old
#88 Crumble the Dried Flowers
#89 Forget the Sixties Nostalgia
#90 Don’t Wake Up Before Dawn
#91 Enough with the Jane Austen Worship
15 Cool Dead Famous People
8 Uncool Dead Famous People
#92 Don’t Fear the Remote
#93 No History
#94 Don’t Plan
#95 Don’t Be Named Bob or Pat
Change Your Name/Change Your Age: 10 Updates for Your Old Fart Name
#96 Torch Your Books
7 Ways to Read Younger
#97 Get off the Eternal Diet
Young Person’s Diet and Exercise Plan: 13 Simple Steps to Never Gaining a Pound
#98 Say Yay!
#99–124 How Not to Holiday Old
#125 Don’t Live in a Big House and Complain about Money
6 Ways to Renovate Your Money Complaints
#126 C’mon, Tell Us All about Your Sex Life
#127 Scratch that Golf Game
#128 Never Admit You Have No Freaking Clue Who Leighton, Dappy, Rihanna, Little Boots, Tinchy, or Pixie Are
#129 Turn Your Stereo Up and Your TV Down
#130 Unless You’re in Nagasaki, Don’t Give (or Ask for) Directions
#131 No Hovering
#132 Don’t Cook the Roast
12 Steps to Making Dinner Young
#133 Don’t Lust after the Lifeguard
10 Signs You Might Be a Lech
#134 Dehyphenate Your Name
#135 Don’t Fear the Teenager
#136 Stop Bossing Everybody Around
#137 Don’t Send Greetings Cards
#138 No Matching Anything
#139–143 U Can’t Has Convertible
#144 Don’t Go Thinking that Gut Is Normal
#145 Enough with the Midsummer Murders, Already!
12 Other Cultural References Sure to Date You
#146 Don’t Count Out Exact Change
9 Ways to Annoy Old
#147–160 How Not to Act Old at a Wedding
#161 Don’t Watch the Evening News
#162 Stop All that Moving Around
#163 Hold the Moo Goo Gai Pan
Old Food/Young Food: 18 Culinary Comparisons
#164 Shave the Soul Patch
12 Things You Can’t Even Think about Wearing (for Men)
#165 Stop Hoping Lauren Conrad Will Just Go Away
12 Other People and Things That Won’t Disappear Anytime Soon (No Matter How Much You Wish They Would)
#166 Don’t Be a Chicken
8 Fear-conquering Ideas
#167 Step Away from the Giant Pumpkin
#168 Autumn Is So Not Your Favourite Season
8 Other Favourites You May Want to Rethink
#169 Get Rid of the Harley
14 Things that Used to Be Young but Are Now Old
17 Things that Used to Be Old but Are Now Young
#170 No, that Was Not Mary-Kate Olsen You Saw on the Number 66 Bus
#171 Don’t Have Black Friends, Gay Friends, Guy Friends, Jewish Friends, or Young Friends
#172 Don’t Wear Pyjamas
#173 Gotta Love those Entourage Boys
#174 No Bras the Size of Scotland
#175 Neutralize Your Crazy Old Sperm
#176 Don’t Fear the Birthday
MadLibs: How to Celebrate Your Birthday Right
#177 Stifle the Rants
#178 Don’t Go Hatin’ on Christmas
Chocolate-chip Meringue Cookies
#179 Don’t Post Yourself on Youporn
#180 Don’t Try to Be as Thin as Twiggy
#181 Don’t Drive Too Fast … or Too Slow
#182 Don’t Talk to Strangers
#183 No Arcade Fire or Porkpie Hats
8 Items of Hipster Gear You Can Get Away With
8 Items of Hipster Gear You Can’t
#184 Don’t Walk Small
#185 Don’t Die. Or Even Consider the Possibility of Dying
7 Cool Ways to Die (If You Must)
7 Uncool Ways to Die
Footnotes
Keep Reading
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Other Books By
About the Publisher
How Not to Act Old: 185 Ways to Pass for Cool, Sound, Wicked, or at Least Not Totally Lame

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