Читать книгу Yes, Please. Whatever!: How to get the best out of your teenagers - Penny Palmano - Страница 29
ОглавлениеShowing unconditional love towards your children should never stop, whether they are two or thirty-two. It’s just the way you and they demonstrate it that will change. They no longer want to sit on your lap with a bottle of warm milk and be told a story at six o’clock every evening; they would much rather sit on a friend’s lap, guzzling crisps and fizzy drinks (or some sort of alcopop) watching some inherently violent film until three in the morning. But that’s growing up for you.
Even as adults our needs change. Think back to when you were first married or living with your partner – you couldn’t keep your hands off each other, any excuse, any where: the floor, the sofa, the shower, the kitchen table (pre-kids obviously). However, fourteen or fifteen years on you’d probably blush at the thought of the kitchen table: ‘But I’ve just polished it!/What, with your back?/What, here and now, are you mad?’ In fact, let’s be honest, our idea of multiple orgasm would probably be a day on our own at a health spa being completely spoilt, cosseted and pampered with every treatment known to mankind while quaffing a glass or two of chilled champagne. But it doesn’t mean we love our partners any less or our love has changed (well, hopefully not), it’s just our needs.
And it’s the same for the parents of teens; your love shouldn’t change, it’s just the way you demonstrate it that will. Your children still love you, they just may not show it in the way they used to. So, although the dynamics of your relationship have changed, that unconditional love must not, although you may feel it’s being put to the test a few times.
Some parents with teens who are permanently at each other’s throats can forget how much they love their children as they actually begin to think they dislike them. What they dislike, of course, is not them, it is their behaviour.
how to show love
Showing love to your teenager can be far more testing than showing love when they were little. Showering your cute three year old, who simply can’t get enough of you anyway, with mushy kisses and cuddles was easy, but now what? Your teenager may dream of mushy kisses and cuddles, but sadly not from you any longer, but this is not to say they do not want physical affection from you, it’s just the way that you demonstrate it will be different.
Children will obviously mature and hit puberty at different times, so there is no definite age when you can say any show of public affection must stop. But you’ll soon realize the moment your child pulls away from the kiss on the cheek in public.
Physical Affection
First, a big no-no is trying to show any physical affection in front of their friends. So forget the goodbye kiss at school (in fact, if you’re still doing the school run, they may even want to be dropped off a little distance away so they can saunter in on their own). In general, most teenagers don’t want to be seen in public with their parents and especially not with any show of affection. A reassuring squeeze on their arm or a pat on the back will be enough.
Obviously, some children are less inhibited and in these cases will kiss you goodbye, which is great, but let your children lead in this area.
However, at home it is extremely important that physical contact is kept up. When they leave for and return from school, a hug and a kiss will be very welcome. Hugging is comforting and reassuring and reassurance is one thing teenagers need loads of. If you’re watching TV in the evenings let them put their feet on you and give them a foot massage or put your arms around them or even just hold your daughter’s hand.
It is so easy to overlook physical contact with growing children but it is vitally important to them.
When they are doing their homework or are in front of a computer screen, take a few minutes to give them a shoulder and neck massage. If they are upset about exam results, or not making the school team or having a rocky relationship, a good hug will help them to feel better. Also, whilst you are administering sympathetic hands, they are easier to talk to as they are less likely to move away.
Teenagers also become much more aware of their parents’ relationship. And although seeing their parents kissing and even hugging will cause them enormous embarrassment, it is actually very healthy for them to see adult affection, that their parents are happy and at ease with each other.
Teenage sons often try and distance themselves from their mothers. Psychologists suggest it’s not because their feelings have changed but because she is the only woman they have ever truly loved and now they are attracted to other women sexually, they distance themselves from their mother to avoid the possibility of having the slightest feelings towards her. This will change when they become more sexually focused. So although the mother may feel hurt, pleading, ‘You don’t love me anymore,’ or, ‘We used to be so close,’ is fruitless. The teenage son has enough to contend with so a guilt trip from his mother is certainly not needed.
Fran: ‘Being out in a public place with your parents is sometimes embarrassing enough, attempts at hand holding and hugging is pushing it way too far and will most likely be rejected.’
Little Things Mean a Lot
We know that teenagers have different priorities to us and it seems that although most of our time is spent thinking and worrying about them, they seem to spend less than a nanosecond thinking or worrying about us. They automatically assume and expect that as parents it is our job to house, feed, educate, clothe them and chauffeur them around. But it’s the little things we do for them which will get noticed, the small acts of kindness that in the larger context will leave your teen feeling reassured and confident of your love.
Send text messages of ‘Good luck’ for exams, and ‘Hope you’re feeling better’ if they feel off colour or low. Cook their favourite meal or buy their favourite treat after a success or a failure, however trivial it may seem. Help your daughter tidy her room and then surprise her by putting a vase of flowers in it. Make sure the outfit they plan to wear at the weekend is clean and ready. If you realize they’ve forgotten to take in their Science project, take it to school
Little things mean a lot
but, when you hand it over to them, rather than the lecture, ‘Why are you so disorganized, you’ve got to learn…’ simply say with a smile, ‘It’s a good job I love you so much.’
These small acts of kindness will be remembered and are appreciated even if it is not mentioned at the time and eventually your child will start to emulate them by doing little thoughtful things for you and other people – not immediately, you understand, but eventually.
Do remember to actually tell them you love them, but not to tie it to a condition, ‘I love you when you’re home on time,’ ‘I love you when you work hard.’ Always keep it unconditional, ‘I love you.’
attention
Although teenagers will start to want their privacy and spend more time with their friends, they still need their parents’ attention. Teenagers can still act up for attention if they are not receiving any and, just like young children, if they only ever receive attention when they misbehave, they will misbehave. So, if they start throwing their weight around or behaving in an immature, silly way, act just as you would with a toddler tantrum, and simply ignore it. Walk away, shut yourself in your room, never reward stupid behaviour with attention.
Give them attention by talking to them, discussing their interests and friends, or encouraging them to join you for a game, or ask to see them skateboard or show you their ball control, whatever it is they do well. And praise them when they are behaving well or simply just chilling out with their siblings without fighting or squabbling.
