Читать книгу Yes, Please. Whatever!: How to get the best out of your teenagers - Penny Palmano - Страница 31

Try and avoid head to head arguments. All they will achieve is bad feeling on both sides. Arguments often end up with shouting, unnecessary name-calling and accusations that both parties will later regret. Keep calm, don’t swear, don’t bring up past problems, respect and listen to what your child has to say. While your child is talking resist the temptation to interrupt, accuse or judge. Listen properly and respond. Always remember that you are the adult and they are the child, although I would strongly advise you never to point this out to them.

With any issue, sit down privately with your teen and work out between you a compromise that you are both happy with. For instance, if your teenager came home late without letting you know, instead of shouting, ‘What sort of time do you think that was to come in? You are so irresponsible, you’re not going out for a week,’ try sitting down with them and explaining, ‘I was so worried when you were late. You’re a responsible person so please in future just ring me to let me know. And make sure your mobile is on so I can ring you.’

When you raise an issue with them, just stick to one thing at a time. If the immediate problem is poor results in recent school exams, discuss why and ways to solve it, don’t drag in other issues…your room is always untidy…you don’t help enough around the house. And avoid trying to get too personal, as that is not treating your children with the respect they deserve and you can hardly blame them for arguing back at you. Just as with small children, it is necessary to be clear that it is not the child who displeases but their behaviour or attitude you are not keen on.

Continually telling your teenager how awful they are is likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy for them. However, if you tell them they are responsible and that you trust them, they are far less likely to let you down. Once they start going out with their friends, let them know what your expectations of them are, and what sort of an allowance they can have. Acknowledge that they may be drinking but to be sensible and not to come home and vomit in the hall. And if they do, they can clear it up.

Boys are not very good at arguing with any verbal dexterity and usually resort to name-calling or aggression to make their point, whereas girls are quite verbal and usually throw in a measure of emotion as well. Avoid being dragged into a drawn-out argument. The argument will usually be about something the teenager wants to do and the parent says, ‘No.’ First, the parent should listen calmly to the reasons put forward by the teenager as to why they should be able to do this certain thing, if necessary asking questions, and if the parent is absolutely positive their reply will still be ‘No,’ then the parent should tell them so, along with any reasons for coming to the decision. If you are in this situation, explain calmly, even apologize, that on this occasion the matter is no longer open for negotiation. Walk away. The matter is closed. Whatever the child replies, from cries of, ‘You’re so unfair,’ to nastier name calling, you must not get dragged back in to the argument. Not unlike toddlers whose parents finally give in to their tantrums, teenagers will soon learn if they have the type of parents who will (after enough whining and moaning) change their mind. This will only lead to parents literally being bullied into changing their minds in the future. It is possible, of course, that circumstances may change (for instance, a friend’s parent can give them a lift after all) which therefore eliminates the reason for the refusal. In this case, explain why you have had a change of mind.

A successful way to avoid the risk of an argument is to, whenever possible, hand the prerogative to the teenager, give them the responsibility for their own actions and immediate destiny. Get them to agree that they can go out with their friends but only after their history homework is finished. Then if the history homework fails to be done, they only have themselves to blame. If they start screaming and shouting, simply point out that they knew what the consequences were, the responsibility was theirs; this is what they agreed. End of story.

When one parent is engaged in ‘discussions’ with their teenager, it is imperative that the other parent doesn’t get involved, especially if they are going to contradict what is already being said. Not only will this demean any parental authority and allow the teenager to see one parent as more reasonable, it will without doubt cause conflict between the parents, and the ‘discussion’ between parent and child can soon become a full-on argument between the two parents.