Читать книгу Morrissey’s Perfect Pint - Richard Fox - Страница 12

Spit or swallow: Morrissey and Foxy’s guide to beer tasting

Why taste beer?

If you think brewing your own is a step too far towards wearing hairy jumpers and having a twiggy beard, why not get a load of different beers in and have a tasting session with some mates? (Do this at home, not at the pub – you’ll look like a complete twat.) The point of brewing your own is that you are in control of the taste. By finding out what flavours and styles of beer appeal, you open your mind and mouth to some of the 5,000 or so different brands of beer you can get in the UK at the moment. So when people say ‘I don’t drink beer, only lager’, we say, ‘Yes, you do drink beer – lager’s a beer. You’re halfway there. Now, come on, take a look along that bar, past the chemical piss. See those pumps? Go on!’

When you were a teenager you didn’t say, ‘No long trousers for me, I’ll stick with the shorts, thanks.’ We change – tastes change. It’s in the interest of some hefty marketing budgets that we Keep Drinking The Same Thing, but we don’t have to do as we’re told. There’s a whole world of beer out there, just waiting to be discovered. Some of it you’ll hate, some you wouldn’t bother with again, but one or two you might like. Then love. Then search for more. Why deny yourself the pleasure? You may have been drinking the same pint for 20 years, but it’s never too late to try other things. A lot of this is about drinking for flavour as opposed to drinking because it’s coloured blue and it gets you off your tits when you’ve had seven of them. Get drunk on something decent. Let’s have fun, but quality fun.

The tasting session

When you taste something you are excited by, ask yourself, ‘Why? What’s the thing in that beer that makes my trousers tingle?’ When someone buys you a beer and you don’t like it, do the same thing – what is it about that beer that makes you think of snogging your granny?

So, get the beers you want to try and read the labels to find out what’s the best temperature to drink them at. The cooler the beer, though, the less flavour and smell it gives off. There’s a reason that some lager is supercold: it tastes like Chernobyl water at anything other than lip-freezing temperatures.

1 Pour into a wine glass. Have a look at the colour of the beer by holding it against a sheet of white paper or a white cloth. Most beer (except wheat beers) should be clear. If not, something may have gone wrong at the processing stages and some rubbish has slipped in. Chuck the beer down the khazi if that’s the case.

2 Swirl. Hold the glass by the stem and examine the colour for shade and intensity.

3 Smell. You’ll get some initial smells, which you should shout out very quickly – all of the impressions you get are valid. Remember what gives trouser action from the smell. Try different words until you nail the smell. There are some ideas in the Flavour Wheel (page 29) but have a go at saying what comes into your head first of all.

4 Taste. Finally, get some beer into your mouth. Swill the glass and take a sip; get some air in your mouth at the same time as this will help get more flavours out. Try not to breathe in too hard or you’ll choke – just a tip. Swirl the beer round so all of your mouth gets a taste. Make ridiculous noises, puff your cheeks out – do anything that helps move the beer around and gets it going. The more you do, the more tastes you’ll get. Keep a mental note of what you get – don’t shout out as your mates won’t be happy with a faceful of gobby beer. When you swallow, try to breathe out through your nose. This will increase the flavour extraction. If beer comes out of your nose, you’ve done it wrong. ‘Dead badger on the motorway’ or ‘twig in autumn leaves and fox do’, perhaps gentle ‘rose petals with a hint of Glade fruits of the forest’? Whatever works for you …

Beer tasting words

If you’re really serious you can write down your reactions. Here’s a list of things ‘professional’ beer tasters (bugger of a job) write down when they taste a brew.

Appearance Things to note are colour, how long the head lasts for, presence or absence of ‘floaties’ …

Smell Someone who knows about this stuff said that your perception of it is dulled after about four sniffs – so make the most of each one. It can be broken down into three entirely separate parts: aroma, bouquet and odour.

Aroma comes from the malt, grain, and anything produced by the fermentation. Aromas that come from the malt and grain are often described as nutty, sweet, grainy and malty. The fresh, earthy quality of malted barley combined with the bitter, apparently antiseptic aroma of hops gives the beer its aroma. Is there a strong hop or a faint hop smell? Is there a malt character? Is it full or light?

Bouquet comes entirely from the hops. Stick your nose in the glass straight after pouring to discover the bouquet as it evaporates quickly. Different hop varieties contribute different qualities to the bouquet, and some may not be appropriate for some styles. Terms used to describe the hop aroma include herbal, pine, floral, resin and spice.

Odour is only remarked on (in beer-tasting circles, don’t you know) if there’s something wrong. It’s the equivalent of the ‘floaty’ when you look at the beer, or a fart in a lift. Skunkiness is apparently a favourite word here. Other words are butter, sulphury, cooked vegetable, fishy, oily and chlorine.

Taste This is the moment we’re all here for. There are three stages to taste – front, middle and finish. This has nothing to do with where you taste different things on your tongue but the taste as you drink – from sip to swallow. One good tip is only to swallow as much as will cover your tongue – that way all parts (and taste categories – sweet, sour, salty, bitter and umami – (the Japanese word for savoury) are noticeable.

Other questions the pros ask include: Is the hop taste and the malt taste in the right mixture? Is the body full or thin? What happens after you’ve swallowed – does the taste stick around for a while? This is called the length … a good beer, like so many things, will have length …

Twelve other uses for beer

When the lady of the house says she can’t get her salad in the fridge because of all the beers, use this guide to convince her that a Beer’s Not Just For Drinking – It’s For Life. Of course it’s mostly bollocks, but then again …

1. Beer bath

Sounds too good to be true? The latest craze in some European spas is sitting in a tub of beer for half an hour. Beer contains a vitamin B complex that is great for the skin, apparently. And the hops in beer relax the body.

2. Washing hair

Are you having trouble with your runaway barnet? Washing your hair with beer will make it softer and give it more body. Every bloke’s dream when you think about it. ‘What’s that smell?’ ‘Oh, I’ve been washing my hair.’ Even works for slapheads, but remember to keep your mouth open.

3. Fire extinguisher

OK – not a REAL one. And definitely not electrical fires – shocking. But give it a shake and it will put out small fires. Like from the grill. ‘Which is why we should keep some in the fridge at all times, darling.’

4. Lawn care

Get rid of those brown spots – spray them with beer! The fermented sugars in ale kill fungi. So when you spill a can while sitting in the garden you’re ‘conditioning the lawn’.

5. Loosen rusty bolts

‘Why are you out here in the garage drinking again?’ ‘Drinking? I’m applying beer to these bike parts, because the carbonation will get rid of the rust. When that’s done I’ll cycle to the offie for more of this wonder cure!’

6. Stop snoring

Simply put a can in a sock and attach it to the back of a T-shirt with a safety pin. Put on before staggering to bed. The can will stop you sleeping on your back, which will reduce your nocturnal emissions. Well some of them. And use a can, not a bottle. No, I’m not nagging you. Well, if you’d only listen.

7. Mouse killer

It’s best to use ‘Value Lager’ for this. Fill a bucket about a third of the way up and lean a piece of wood against the side, so the mice can climb to the top, sniff the beer and jump in. Still a spectator sport in some parts of Eastern Europe, we’re told.

8. Getting rid of a kidney stone

Nasty little buggers, kidney stones. Still, if you’ve got one, beer can open up the tubes connecting the kidneys and bladder, making it easier to pass. Cranberry juice works well too, but have you tasted it? Also alcohol numbs the pain. Doesn’t it just?

9. Calming a (mild) stomach-ache

This is great. The carbonated beer will help settle your stomach and the alcohol content reduces any pain. Beer – the cure to all our problems!

10. Scale fish

Attach four bottle tops to a piece of wood so the lips are facing out. Scrape the fish, but away from you if you don’t want to end up looking like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.

11. Marinate meat

Next time your Better Half is soaking some meat in dry white wine, soak yours in some gutsy beer. They both tenderise the meat, but we know which one will taste better.

12. Polishing furniture

Rub your wooden furniture with a cloth soaked in flat beer. It will polish it and make it look like new. Another good one if caught armed with ale in the garden at ‘Beer Zero’ time (Drinktionary, page 72).