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Let’s face it, the primary purpose of beer is to induce pleasures of many kinds. But let’s not forget that these pleasures bring perils to the poor human body. Everything has a cost (even if you’re only 20 and haven’t found that out yet – look at your dad). Remember, moderation in all things is wise and, if you can’t quite manage it, then these are some of the consequences. Let’s take a scientific look at:

Farting – beer does unblock the old wind tunnel. When they introduced the smoking ban in Scotland, certain things became apparent that had long been hidden. One man was barred from a pub because of his stinky bottom burps. It turns out that he’d been sitting in the same pub for over ten years, night after night, producing noxious odours, but no one had noticed because of the smell of smoke. On his way out of the pub, some of the following phrases may have been shouted after him – all of them in the best possible taste.

Cut the cheese • Crack a rat • Step on a duck Stink burger • Ass blaster • Toilet tune Silent but deadly • Poop gas • Steamer • Rip one Let one fly • Uncorked symphony • Let one go Backdoor breeze • Pop a fluffy • Kill the canary Gas attack • Jockey burner • Cut loose • Nose death Backfire • Stink bomb • Gas blaster • Odorama Bun shaker • Tail wind • Sphincter song Lethal cloud • Crowd splitter • Bean blower Moon gas • What the dog did • Burnin’ rubber Anal volcano • Foul howl • Fog slicer • Odour bubble • Air bagel • Roast the jockeys Squeak one out • Gas master • Spit a brick • Lay a wind loaf The toothless one speaks

Tackle issues – we all think we’re God’s Gift after a certain point in the evening (see The beer drinker’s guide to romance and seduction page 57), but, let’s face it, the beer can do bad things to your ladies’ friend. If you break the ten-pint barrier, you may find yourself:

Singing with Flacido Domingo Sticking spaghetti in the parking meter Giving coin to the fuck beggar In the county of Wiltshire Limping with intent Taking the gold at the flaccid Olympics Lighting a damp firework Trying to wake Sleeping Beauty without a kiss Starring in Deadwood In the cold meats’ section With Ascension Deficit Disorder Welcomed to Flaccid City. Population: You Trying to fill a cone with Mister Softee Turning off the lights before the party At Viagra Falls Getting fanny fright In possession of a Vegan erection Graduating from Limp Dick University with honours With soggy cashew nut syndrome

Gentlemen’s toilet – there’s a rule that has to be observed early on in a sesh: take as long as possible before you ‘break the seal’. As soon as you go once, you’ll not stop all night. Best to cross your legs and hang on to your water, then you’ll have more beer time.

Skin – if you drink a lot of beer your body dehydrates, which is great for giving you that rugged, craggy, sunburnt look that is apparently such a hit with the ladies …

Brain – turns to mush. You think you’re a suave, seductive genius while actually you’re shouting loudly about pants and dribbling from the side of your mouth. In the morning, your brain will be twice its natural size and screaming to get out of your skull – welcome to Hangover Land; just turn right after The Top Shelf (see Drinktionary, page 72).

Legs – aside from the immediate ‘legs made of overcooked pasta’ display as you leave the pub, long-term heavy drinking can give you GOUT. If you thought that was a disease that, like smallpox, was killed off so many centuries ago, think again. Gout is alive and well and living in the big toe of the resident bar-propper at your local.

Hands – if you think the global economy is shaky, try lighting a match after a week-long bender.

Beach physique – as you hit a certain point in your life, no matter how often you get off the bus a stop early, the inches keep creeping on to your waistline. Your once-perfect physique (maintained regardless of how many chip butties and pints you threw down your neck) is starting to bulge. Welcome to middle-aged spread. Pints of beer help it along nicely; if you get very good at it, your stomach can get big enough (and near enough) to rest your pint on without danger of spillage.

MORRISSEY MAXIM

Treat your woman like your beer – pump her gently but firmly until she’s got a good head on her.