Читать книгу Morrissey’s Perfect Pint - Richard Fox - Страница 14

We all know that beer is good for you but we would never claim any of the following. These may not stand up in court, but ‘researchers’, i.e. scientists, have said that these things are TRUE. Are they having a laugh?

Beer can increase your ability to make rational decisions. Seriously. So next time you grab your keys at the end of a long sesh, screech out of the pub car park and into a lurking police car, you can explain to the unhappy officer that you were following the advice of Canadian researchers who claimed that your decision-making was improved by drinking beer.

Students! BEER MAKES YOU BRAINY. ‘Researchers’ (yes, them again) claim that people who consumed anywhere between one and 30 (like the scale!) drinks a week were brainier in tests than teetotallers … stick that in your pint of Why?

Beer Drinkers will eventually become immortal. ‘Research’ shows that beer makes your heart fitter by stretching your arteries, which means you live longer and can drink more. Which means Beer Drinkers WILL RULE THE WORLD. Your round, I think …

What’s more, Italian researchers say that beer stops you going to the shops in your pyjamas when you’re older. You can stay in the pub, alert, suave and sophisticated, while the abstemious ones get carted off to the Piss and Dribble Home.

Beer keeps you regular. Two pints contain twenty per cent of your required daily fibre intake. You can get ahead by drinking ten pints a day.

Real ales contain Vitamin B, which will combat the effects of alcohol – IT ACTUALLY STOPS YOU GETTING A HANGOVER!

As we sit here and write this, our rational decision-making is also being improved. Cheers.