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Behind closed doors

May 4, 2014

Once again our Republic’s inalienable right to petition the government misses the mark.

In Maryland, a petition drive is underway to prevent a bill to prohibit discrimination based on gender identity. The “Fairness For All Marylanders Act” has been labeled by opponents “the bathroom bill” for fear, in part, that men will be able to walk right into women’s restrooms.

But the true weakness of the petition is that it fails to address the more serious issue of discrimination—the unjust and glaring disparity in quality between men’s rooms and women’s rooms.

Consider your run-of-the-mill public men’s room. What are its defining features?

Allow me to paint a picture.

You enter the men’s room of your favorite dive bar. The door does not lock much less close all the way. Graffiti papers every square inch of the cubicle; Death Row cells are bigger. You think you recognize one phone number on the wall, but it’s just a bad dream.

To enhance the je ne sais quoi, some men’s rooms still feature a coin-operated condom machine that hasn’t been used since 1972 judging by the retro brands. There is no door to the lone stall because it was ripped off by a disgruntled patron using only his teeth.

There is a stained sink. The hand towel dispenser is strictly theoretical. There is running water if one relaxes the molecular definition of water as one part oxygen, two parts hydrogen atoms. Men’s room water is missing something chemical upstairs, if you know what I mean.

In short, the men’s room is the type of environment best experienced in a hazmat suit. If you don’t own one (why would you?), don’t touch anything. And whatever you do, don’t linger. If you do linger (why would you?), you risk leaving with a tattoo or a yet-named infection.

Allow me to paint another picture.

Watch your step—there’s a couch there. Sorry, a chaise lounge. The cushions, red velvet.

Would you care for some sparkling water with a twist of lemon? No? How about a glass of Sauvignon Blanc? We offer a nice Kim Crawford that’s not too citrusy but maintains a hint of passion fruit.

You’ve noticed the chandelier. It’s French. The gold-plated faucets, Corian countertops and individually-lighted vanity mirrors were put in a few years ago. The artwork was upgraded—some ladies thought the Pollock too explosive and unsettling, so we toned the walls down with Wyeth and Hopper.

If you’re still waiting, please consider our complimentary chai honey sticks, steaming hand-rolled towels and our small library in the anteroom. The new-age music you are enjoying—“Mating Whales: The Greatest Hits”—is specifically chosen for your complete relaxation.

You’ve probably also noticed we have replaced those tacky cans of Glade with a working herb garden. Feel free to pinch off some fresh mint for your sparkling water or for our “Thank God It’s Mojito Friday!” events held in the restroom’s library.

Two restrooms—two very different pictures.

Isn’t it time we end this foul discrimination?

Please join me then as I launch a petition drive to get the “Equality for All Restrooms Act” on the ballot in November. Because our children and our children’s children should live in a world where all restrooms are equal.

Now, hand me some mint.