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Sine Die Another Day

April 13, 2014

The General Assembly’s 2014 legislative session concluded this past week with all the hoopla and excitement of, well, watching laws being made.

But who can blame lawmakers? They can’t have hot, hot, hot button topics every year. How often can you bust out the Dream Act, gun-control laws and same-sex marriage? Can we blame the closing-moment confetti from looking a little bored?

I just wish lawmakers could have mustered the moral and political courage to pass legislation that affects me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not in favor of revenge porn, holding 10 grams of pot, knocking back grain alcohol, and driving while texting—and especially not at the same time. But not one of my personal bills passed.

For example, I supported a bill that would physically move the state of Maryland next to my home town of Ft. Lauderdale because I still really like the beach there. The measure never got out of committee. The measure never got out of head. Consensus-building is not my strength, and it hurt me this session, too.

Take my proposed legislation to regulate motorists wishing to make a left on West Street when I’m behind them and oncoming traffic suggests multiple electrical poles have just toppled onto West Street. Is the Dunkin’ Donuts really that good to hold me up like this?

This was another defeat. You know how the state bird is the Western Meadowlark? I proposed the state bird be changed to the Meadowlark Lemon—my favorite Harlem Globetrotter who brought me more joy than any bird. I again failed to secure a co-sponsor—and a parking spot anywhere near the State House. How does the state of Maryland expect me to get involved in government if I can’t park?

My hallmark legislation, if passed, would have eliminated vehicle emission testing, vehicle registration, vehicle parking, vehicle tax and tags, and common vehicle obstructions such as tolls, inexplicable lane closures and Forest Drive. But in a stinging critique, the Maryland Department of Legislative Services labeled my proposal “fiscally criminal” and recommended a special session be called to consider a restraining order against me.

The experience taught me a valuable lesson. Politics is indeed a contact sport—unlike ping-pong, which I proposed become the official state sport. But the powerful pro-checkers lobby foiled me. And not Chinese checkers but good ol’ U.S.A. checkers.

I had other proposed legislation that never got a fair hearing. The last day of the General Assembly is traditionally called Sine Die, which is Latin for “Not the Best Headline.” My bill would have changed Sine Die to Sine Die Another Day. Opponents were quick to criticize my James Bond reference, calling it “sophomoric” and “not even close to being the best Bond movie.”

Finally, I proposed a maximum wage increase to be directly deposited into my checking account.

This, too, failed.

Listen, I’m no politician. I’m just a guy who dreams of a more perfect democracy centered on my needs.

Sine Die Another Day, my fellow citizens, sine die.