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Dispatches from the dawn of 2015

January 11, 2015

Presently, the thermostat in my house is set on Perish.

Keeping the thermostat sub-humanely low saves money and energy. It also erases the uncomfortable contrast normal homeowners experience between a house with power and a house without due to a storm, or whatever. In my house in winter, it always feels like the power is out.

I must be saving a lot of dough and energy, which are fine, upstanding goals.

Still, one is alarmed when the family Labrador—a breed genetically crafted for frigid temps—himself dons one of my old fleece jackets from Land’s End. He’s trying to tell us something. He’s trying to tell us that, unless we can compromise on ye olde thermostat, we have mere weeks to live.

I’m not going to say thermostat wars are a gender thing, but I am going to say thermostat wars are a gender thing.

The weaker sex (“males”) are generally more ursine and carry more body weight and hot air in general. One would think we wouldn’t mind it a little frosty in the home. Not so. We want lots of heat to sweat even more.

The stronger sex (“females”) are generally more feline and carry less body weight and wear socks to bed during heat waves. One would think they need it toasty in winter. Not so. I don’t know why.

All the others (“others”) must look at us and wonder, how do the sexes survive especially in winter?

We don’t want to scuffle with Delaware because we were taught never to pick on someone smaller than us. And by “we,” I do mean “we”—just in case Delaware grew a lot last year and can now beat me up.

But the new year brought news of Delaware’s first tourism branding campaign. The news caught our attention because Delaware isn’t known for embarking on marketing adventures. When you’re tagged “The First State,” where do you go from there?

Turns out the folks who run Delaware (a Native American word meaning, roughly, “He Who Does Not Stop While Passing Through to Manhattan, which was Kind of Stolen from Us”) got to studying their state’s image. Essentially, what they found was their image can be broken down into two germane categories:

1 Bland image.

2 No image.

So, they’ve come up with the slogan “Delaware: Endless Discoveries”—and they’re not talking about 1-95 tolls. Apparently, there’s endless things to see and do in Delaware. Who knew?

Me, I’d hit the Bethany Beach angle hard.

I’m not an Ocean City guy. I’m a Bethany Beach guy, always have been. And try as I might and do, I can’t will Bethany Beach to be in Maryland. Sure, I pretend I’m still in Maryland when I visit Bethany.

But Delaware rightfully claims Bethany Beach, which is an endless discovery in itself and which should be in Maryland.

It’s estimated some 45 percent of people who join a gym in January quit by February.

Finally, there’s help for these people.

Introducing the imaginary gym!

Just imagine shedding those unsightly holiday pounds in a matter of imaginary months. Imagine what your imaginary friends will say! Am I imagining things or does he look 20 years younger?

Here’s what you get with your annual imaginary gym membership:

Imaginary treadmills, free weights, weight machines, ellipticals, recumbent stationary bikes.

Sound mentally exhausting?

You bet.

But if you sign up today, you will also receive imaginary very attractive people in Under Armour working out next to you. During our open enrollment period, these imaginary very attractive people will compliment you on how you look 20 years younger.

So, why be one of the 45 percent who quit real gyms in abject shame? Join an imaginary gym and just imagine how good you’ll look and feel in the new year.

Remember, “No imaginary pain—no imaginary gain!”

P.S. I just received an email from Baltimore Gas and Electric Co. encouraging customers during this cold spell to set their thermostats to 68 degrees or lower.

Don’t talk to me about lower.