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Contents

FOREWORD xi

[1] Newsies 1

Don’t pass (expletive deleted) notes 2

Sine Die Another Day 4

Behind closed doors 6

My brain on pot 8

How to enjoy your shutdown 10

My, what powerful average-sized hands you have 12

Politics and cats don’t mix 14

[2] It’s That Time of Year 17

Dispatches from the dawn of 2015 18

Talking about the Sunday scaries on Mother’s Day 21

‘Momisms’—The A List 23

First Person: The Old Man and the Sea 24

For all the boys who wouldn’t grow up 26

A belated Father’s Day card 28

Music Fact: The 70s sounded better than the 80s 30

The bloody curtain rises on 10 great Halloween movies 32

American horror story 34

The Twelve Days of Christmas (Reconsidered) 36

Dear Santa. I want stuff. Thank you. 39

It’s the most wonderful time of the year 41

One smokin’ hot Christmas 44

A symbol up in flames 46

Lost money found after holiday plea 48

[3] Of Boys and Men 51

Were you talking to yourself again? 52

First Person: For my first trick, a hobby 54

When the water hits the fan 56

And darkness fell upon us 58

The book of us 60

Talking about a dream job at the University of Maryland 62

Over a barrel 64

Cooking up some men-o-pause 66

Spring and a man’s fancy turns to bikini briefs 69

Cutting off the news 71

The Great Escape: Pop-Tarts to go 73

How to professionally fantasize about football 76

Super Bowl XLVIII: ATTACK OF THE GIANT ROMAN NUMERALS!!! 78

Daddy, what’s a Redskin? 80

Personal fowl 83

No, he isn’t a safety for the Patriots 85

In praise of Turkey Bowls everywhere 87

[4] 20th-Century Man Wrestles with 21st Century Trends 89

Confessions of a 20th century man 90

Let’s talk, Alexa 92

First Person: Mugging for the camera 95

Howard Stern seduced my mother 97

The Love Doctor is in 99

Writing off the SAT 101

[5] Farewells 103

First Person: What I did on my spring vacation 104

Greetings from the Sunshine State (or How I learned

to love the Russians) 106

Safe Landing: An Update 109

The end of an unsentimental journey 110

From one Florida Boy to another—R.I.P. Tom Petty 112

Sleeping with the lights on 114

[6] School Days 117

A report on kindergarten (1995, 2014) 118

The second goodbye 120

Love punch 122

The school of hard firsts 124

The Russians are coming (plus: Rusty’s Escape!) 126

Middle school dance 128

[7] Memories From the Sunshine State 131

First Person: Yes, but does Maryland have mermaids? 132

Growing up means understanding hate in

Dixie and the Sunshine State 134

Locking up a fast piece of your past 137

When prom backfires 139

On this date in history 141

Paul is still not dead 143

Memories of working as an extra on the

less-than-classic ‘Jaws 3-D’ 146

First Person: My own personal Roswell 149

[8] Call of the Wild 153

Osprey Cam Update: Audrey preens; Tom still a no-show 154

A mammal only a mother (and father) mammal could love 157

Quick! Spray that bat house!!! 159

Enemies at the gate—deck, porch, soul 161

[9] It’s Actually About Me 163

Standing tall and hating gray 164

When the moon is in the seventh—or second—house 167

Dating is still too much pressure and heartache 169

Speaking of dachshund underwear 172

Trash talking: Tales from the pit 174

The jealous kind 176

My resolutions (a.k.a. goals) for 2014 178

The Short List: In praise of pleasure 180

Taking a strange, unexpected and personal walk

through our newspaper 182

Oh, what a beautiful morning 185

Little did I know 188

[10] Man’s Second Best Friend 191

Good-bye my lovely 192

Man’s second best friend 195

My own bridge scandal 197

Unmentionable driving crimes 199

‘Love Shack’ Redux 201

The mother of all nature 203

My brush with the law & other fun stories 205

So, Anne Arundel doesn’t welcome us? 207

When the cobra strikes 209

[11] From Flights of Fancy 211

In a sentence, Donald Trump is a bluffer

(or How I spent my Summer Vacation) 212

Once more to McDermott’s Pub in Ireland 215

Portable Paris: An immoveable feast 217

Tequila, Blue Angels and Iguanas 219

Hello, I’m not working today 221

Have you tried snow snorkeling? 223

Bethany, My Bethany 225

[12] Hometown Favorites 227

First Person: ‘Cloudy with a chance of meatballs’ 228

Volunteer caretaker tends to Brewer Hill Cemetery 230

First Person: My house of cards 233

‘I have not yet begun to shave’ 235

Zip lines, oysters 237

Capital News Quiz: 8 teachable moments 239

Stopping by Lafayette Park on a Snowy Afternoon 242

Anne Arundel County welcomes us—with strings attached 243

Vote for me and get cool free stuff! 245

Thank you, Stephen Colbert 247

Annapolis noir, baby. 249

Update: Athena is home 252

Peekaboo, where are you Ronald Reagan? 254

Cuddle up and I’ll tell you a story 256

Maryland, My Maryland 258

[13] Pets—But Mostly Earle 261

How to find your spirit animal 262

Sami and Bella officially respond 264

Earle & I: An intimate conversation 266

Highway (Dog) Philosophy 269

First Person: Earle: 6, Chipmunk: 0 271

Earle: Just the Facts 273

Tail of the confused dog 275

The fine, fine brain of a cat 277

Sick as a parrot? Not exactly 279

[14] Put Down the Tequila 281

Put down the Tequila and step away slowly 282

Sober and reporting for duty 285

Love you like a brother (and other motivational workplace lines) 287

Why yes, that is a waste basket on his head 289

But do you deserve a summer office party? 291

The job evaluation selfie 293

People, if you read nothing else 296

How do you spell s-t-r-e-s-s? 298

The Coalition to Stop Gun Violence 301