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My, what powerful average-sized hands you have

March 13, 2016

Spoiler alert: I will not be voting for Donald Trump in Maryland’s primary on April 26. This will not be a set-back for his campaign.

As you know, Maryland’s anti-climatic presidential primary comes relatively late in the primary season, an election customarily marked by not a single in-state candidate sighting.

I could be wrong this year.

Donald Trump could hold a rally on deck of a skipjack at City Dock or drop by the Capital Gazette editorial board for a chat. I’d like to see that. I’d like to see his hands.

Before last Thursday night’s mannered debate, Trump and remote rival Marco Rubio had discussed hand size at an earlier GOP debate. Rubio un-joked about Trump’s alleged tiny hands. “You know what they say about men with small hands...,” Rubio teased. Trump un-joked that his hands were more than fine—powerful things, in fact. “I guarantee you, there’s no problem,” he assured a worried nation.

Trump’s Denver Broncos-like defense of his manhood aroused news cycle after cycle of commentary. My favorite spin-off was the Portland man who legally created a political action committee called “Trump has Tiny Hands.” I discovered this gem on the same website where I was treated to “Haunting Photos of the World’s Most Evil Men as Children.” No mention of their hands.

You do know what they say about men with small hands?

Blink twice if you do.

Once if you don’t.

I see a lot of double blinking out there. Whew. Because I don’t want have to stoop to explain the link between impersonal hand size to personal appendage size—a slander, I should add, that was started years ago by a tribe of mean boys with very big hands. Far it be for the national discourse this presidential year to stoop even lower to talk about this subject one syllable more. I’m certainly not going to stoop that low.

However, I noticed a few of you blinking just once.

Journalists, no matter the delicate nature of the subject, must also represent the single-blinkers in our Republic. They, too, deserve to be informed by a free, average-sized press.

First, we need to separate myth from fact.

Myth: Hand size is a reliable indicator of the size of a man’s you-know.

Fact: Hand size is irrelevant. But due to advancements in the dubious yet entertaining field of juvenile comparative anatomy, other factors do have scientific correlations.

The following factor are proven indicators:

 Length of inseam: Abe Lincoln had quite the inseam, just saying.

 Length of work commute: You know what they say about a man with a long commute, he’s got one helluva long—commute.

 Length of back hair: (I know this isn’t pleasant to hear, but we’re all adults.) Say you’re at the beach and you see a man with a forest growing on his back, your first reaction is one of fear and repulsion. This is understandable. But just know he’s got a fun night planned.

The point is if Rubio really wanted to gain ground and hit Trump below his Trump-designer belt, he would have questioned the front runner’s inseam, commute or back hair.

Not to stoop too low or anything.